vivid-eloquence

love

2011-01-21T22:10:00.001-06:00

He loves me and I love him. Forever.:)

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invisible

2011-01-19T17:11:00.001-06:00

I'm completely invisible now. I think its this ring I was given...

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fab

2011-01-19T15:12:00.001-06:00

Reading a book about time travel. I wish this was possible! What a great weekend get-a-way that would be.

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drawer

2011-01-14T01:48:00.001-06:00

On rare occasions, such as this, I pull out my drawer, similar to that of the Darlings and begin to finger the old treasures.

Most lay tarnished, if they were ever shiny. Or frayed if they were ever strong. Some still glitter but only if not inspected too closely.

They were saved and put away with much faith. Told lovingly that they would see sunshine again when it was time. Oddly enough, I usually only take them out late at night. Or on a lonely, gray day. No sunshine to speak of.

I've often tried to clean out the drawer but some memories and hopes are too hard to part with. Throwing them out would be giving up on so much. Eternal hope can be a curse though.

When is enough, enough?

When are we supposed to stop hoping and except that what we have may never change into what we thought?

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you should always...

2011-01-14T01:31:00.001-06:00

Ask her for her opinion about anything and everything.

Bring her flowers of any kind every chance you get.

Leave/send her notes.

Plan things for her to look forward to.

Consistently be learning, listening and watching.

She knows. She knows a lot.

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books & life

2011-01-13T16:20:00.001-06:00

I'm sitting in the library reading Reading Lolita in Tehran and thinking how hard it was to live in Iraq and Iran when I overhear his voice.

An 18-year-old gang banger is talking with a stranger about all of the shootings he's seen and the people he would kill. Discussing Bloods, Crypts, and Nazis that are in town.

I guess every place has its bad side. I don't have to imagine people on the other side of the world to feel compassion for the oppressed and disgust for the oppressors.

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cash flow

2011-01-09T00:45:00.001-06:00

I've put aside pursuits because if money.

Gone to work everyday for money.

Planned what to wear, what to eat, what to do and where to live based upon money.

What would I do if money were no longer an issue? What yardstick would I use to measure out my actions? More importantly, what possibilities would reopen for a mind no longer chained by a money clip?

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birthday

2011-01-09T00:30:00.001-06:00

Today is my birthday! I'm hoping for a super awesome gift... I also keep thinking I'm turning 24 but I'm actuality turning 23... I'm not sure why I can't seem to remember?

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composure

2011-01-07T09:25:00.001-06:00

I want to appear composed. Someone once told me that I have a quiet gentleness about me. Is that the same as composure?

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foodless

2011-01-02T23:26:00.001-06:00

Omg. In 2011 I'm not eating anything. Christmas almost killed me, I swear.

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mock

2010-12-30T23:12:00.001-06:00

Isn't it interesting how people mock things they don't understand?

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gilmore <3

2010-12-20T13:15:00.001-06:00

Gilmore Girls brings people together.:)

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aware

2010-12-18T23:09:00.001-06:00

I'm becoming more and mote interested in politics, international politics and economics.

I've got my eye on the UN right now.
I'm trading Sarah Palin's Going Rouge.
I'm wishing we subscribed to the newspaper.
And hoping Obama never makes it back for a second term.

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blessings

2010-12-13T22:41:00.001-06:00

Could it be? God, I stood back to trust you and it appears that you may part the Red Sea at any moment. Thank you. Teach me more.

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loser

2010-12-08T23:48:00.001-06:00

Biggest Loser is one of my favorite shows ever. It's probably one of the best shows American could be watching right now.

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mindful

2010-12-08T01:03:00.001-06:00

When I watch tv I'm in THEIR moment, not mine.

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truth

2010-11-30T22:01:00.000-06:00

gifts

2010-11-24T16:41:00.001-06:00

I never really know what I want for Christmas until I don't get it.

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dreams...

2010-11-23T00:36:00.001-06:00

... are hard for me. I'm naturally a dreamer but it doesn't always mix well with my other, extremely practical side.

Dreams are hard to maintain without hope. But what maintains hope? I'd like to order some of that please.

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positive

2010-11-20T15:00:00.001-06:00

I'm a complainer, which is ironic since I CAN'T STAND people who complain about everything. So... this post will be about happy and good things. (Even though I want to complain... a lot.)

We are having pizza tonight!
Tonight starts my weekend
I've lost 2lbs this week!!!!
Tomorrow is kitten day...<3

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makeover

2010-11-20T00:33:00.000-06:00

I've been watching What Not to Wear and I feel like my blog needs a makeover.

But I don't have time for that, I'd rather be doing other things.

I feel like I should post though.

It feels to me like blogging is dead. Most of the blogs I follow hardly update once a month. Maybe that's why I've followed the trend? Maybe I just don't feel like there is enough going on to blog about. I have a hard enough time trying to come up with what to say when people ask what I've been up to.

I'm a person who is very inspired by nature and its hard to be inspired when the world around you is mostly made of concrete. How do the people in NYC do it?

elliptical

2010-11-03T23:49:00.000-05:00

I love my elliptical. Mostly because it's a mindless, quick, yet hard workout. Currently my elliptical is set up so that I can watch movies while working out. 45 minutes just flew by as I focused on Me & Orson Wells. Now I shall relax after a good days work and think of the delicious and filling all veggie minestrone leftovers I will have for lunch tomorrow. YUM!

ginger snaps

2010-11-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

That's what did it. I had a fantastic day eating well and feeling well. But the Ginger Snaps took me down. The ultimate autumn cookie; with a crunchy outside and soft middle. The recipe I grew up with I made for my girls group tonight and we all loved them, (So did the husbands!). I think I ate three pounds worth *wink*. BUT now I'm about to head off on a walk with my Man so hopefully that will help balance things out. I wanted to grapple with Jillian again tonight but I've got a headache and a nice walk in the cold fall evening sounds a lot better than sweating in my living room listening to the neighbors watching NASCAR, or something akin, above me.

o.m.g.

2010-11-01T21:17:00.001-05:00

So... I just realized that my birthday is in 2 months and 8 days...

I will be 23.

First thought: I'm almost 25 and that's half way to 30!!!

Second thought: I'm still too fat and unhealthy to be this far into my 20's!

Third thought: I should blog about this... Maybe talking about it on the internet will help me to stay focused.

So, whoever you are out there you are going to be privileged to my rantings and ramblings on the subject of health. Because what better way to get healthy than to start RIGHT NOW?

Goals:
Lose 5lbs by Christmas (small goals are easier to achieve)
Cut my sugar intake WAY down. I already eliminated soda pop back in July so that's handy.
Concentrate on healthy sized portions of food.
Work out three times a week at least.

YAY! Off to a good start. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes... Right now I have to go scrub my kitchen floor.

the most wonderful time... of the year!

2010-10-11T20:52:00.001-05:00

Autumn is my most favorite time of the year. It always puts me in an upbeat mood. Sadly, Missouri is ruining that natural high with highs in the 80's or so everyday. Yuck.

I've been trying to put myself in a crisp-leaves-to-walk-through kind of mood by burning Hazelnut Cream and Mulled Cider candles from Wal-Mart, baking chocolate chip pumpkin muffins, making soup and grilled cheese for dinner when I can, putting out my meager supply of fall decorations and watching Gilmore Girls.

If things here in the south (again, yuck), don't start looking up soon I may be forced to turn the air conditioning back on just so I can wander around the house in thermals and socks.

lukewarm

2010-08-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

Everything feels lukewarm right now. My job, my life, my activities and my friends. I miss looking forward to things. Getting REALLY excited about things. Having a purpose to the things I'm doing.

I'm not serving anywhere. Not volunteering with a youth group, a church, homeless ministries. NOTHING. All through high school and college I looked forward to the day that my time would be my own. When I could read all the books I wanted, spend all the time at home I wanted, watching all the movies I wanted, but here is the big surprise:

Being selfish and laying around doing nothing, sucks.

I feel pointless. Useless. And boring.

I want to get up and jump back into life but I'm not even sure how...?

crawling

2010-07-28T20:37:00.000-05:00

I injured my knee about two days ago so I've spent the past few days on the couch or crawling/scooting around the apartment. I've been trying to decide if I should put my backpack on so I can carry things from room to room with me... It's been an exciting time.

Thus far I've read three books, watched almost an entire season and a half of Gilmore Girls, a French movie, eaten three biscotti and kept touch with the outside world via texting, phone calls and FB.

I'm sick of living on the couch and I can't wait until I can walk again!!!!

Any prayers would be happily coveted because I'm also trying to recover before Friday as we have a wedding to go to.

will possess your heart

2010-07-23T23:05:00.001-05:00

I love Death Cab For Cutie.

I forget how much music used to shape my life. After spending some time growing up it seems that music has been crowded out of my life and I'm not sure how. But I'm setting a place at the table for it again.

Maybe I should play my guitar again? I think I stopped because it was hard.

Music is mystical, a realm of it's own. You can almost swim in it.

today i...

2010-07-19T20:51:00.002-05:00

got a haircut
cleaned the bathroom
did the dishes
vacuumed the house
spent 40 minutes on the elliptical
returned a shirt
cashed a check
watched WAY too many episodes of Gilmore Girls
talked to my bank
ate a salad
hung two pictures
wrote a thank you note

Next I need to...

make some blueberry muffins. I love summer with all it's fresh fruit!

losing it

2010-07-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

That's it! I'm tired of trying and trying to lose weight!

I lose a little here and it comes back over there.

I really, REALLY wish I had a fun group type thing like a Weight Watchers - but free - to keep me inspired and on track. I'm tired of working on it alone! Every time someone whines about their weight I invite them to join me so we can work together and about 3 minutes later they are over it for one reason or another.

Fail.

Are there no other dedicated people out there!?

Well, on a happy note P and I have decided to give up soda pop for the rest of the year. At the first threat of no more delicious Dewiness my taste buds wept a little but after they got used to the idea they jumped on board to help. They've promised to stop craving things that are bad for them... we shall see if they hold up their end of the deal.

Susan B. Anthony

2010-07-08T18:46:00.000-05:00

I've recently been engrossed in a biography about Susan B. Anthony.

I was walking through the library picking up easy-to-reads for work when I told myself I needed to read a bio. I needed to pick someone I wouldn't normally read about.

I noticed a book of medium thickness about Ms. Anthony so I took it home.

Consuming the efforts and injustice of the woman's rights movement has been mind altering.

Married women were legally declared dead by law.

Women coudln't hold property or travel by themselves.

They had no power to vote,

Thus no power to change things.

Classed legally with idiots, lunatics and criminals...

And the majority of people thought there wasn't a need for change.
Even many woman thought Anthony was crazy to want change.

Its been fantastic to read this and get a glimpse into the gaining of all the freedoms I assume are my right.

I don't agree with where feminism led to but I firmly believe in where it began,

Susan B Anthony is now one of my heroes.

summer

2010-06-20T18:24:00.002-05:00

I wish summer was still fun like when I was in high school.

Summer camps

No school work

Trips to the pool

Popsicles and juice boxes

Summer now is nowhere close to awesome:

Heat heat and more heat

work work and more work

No friends nearby

No family

No juice boxes

I'm having a really bad day today, can you tell?

cook bake clean

2010-06-18T23:14:00.000-05:00

I've gotta tell you,

I'm an old fashioned girl sometimes.

I would love to stay home all day baking, cleaning, sewing, cookings... pretty much doing the typical "housewifely" things.

Before you assume I've never heard of feminism I'll tell you that I agree with the ideals that started the feminism movement but today I think many that cry "feminism" have just found a new way to throw a tantrum when they don't get what they think they want.

Anyway, I've recently been going through a cookbook I got for Christmas and I want to spend all day just cooking through it, but alas, I do have a job.

It's been fun to experiment more with cooking as of late.

After getting married I finally have more time to devote to becoming an AMAZING COOK, because that is my current goal.

That and dropping some poundage.

You wouldn't necessarily put those two together but they do a fairly nice waltz with one another.

sushi detox

2010-06-14T15:59:00.000-05:00

Body Detox Day 1

I visited Iowa last week and ate too much crap. P and I have been trying to be healthier anyway so I thought I'd write about it.

Today we decided on homemade sushi.

We need to make a meal plan and I had the day off and the time so sushi is the choice for tonight.

tamago egg

rice

pickle

avocado

and...

BACON.

Best sushi ever! YUM!

Can't wait for dinner

$$$

2010-06-11T23:44:00.004-05:00

Dirty, germ infested, crumpled piece of paper;

Money.

I think we all have a love/hate relationship with the green back.

I've been so angry about it I'm ready to get up and leave,

so happy I've wanted to dance around the room,

so worried that I couldn't sleep at night.

That's the kind of power we give money.

It's our security blanket,

the instigator of the worst fights

a murderer

a thief

I've decided that some things are worth more than money

it's surprisingly difficult, and I'm not proud of that

But I can't give that kind of devotion and attention to an inanimate object

book

2010-05-31T19:11:00.006-05:00

Do you know how hard it is to find a good book?

One that keeps you going and going

Pages turning and turning

And no matter how happy the ending is you cry because you have finished it.

Mostly there are the books where the author threw together words, trying to sound witty and intellectual (Candace Bushnell *cough cough*), failing, yet managing to make readers wonder how this author ever got something published in the first place?
(Now, don't blame it on Kindle)

I hope my book isn't like that.

Some day when I get it published I hope people cry at the end and desperately search for a tacky advertisment in the back that heralds the coming of a second volume.
(look in vain for there will be none)

too many movies

2010-05-29T20:51:00.001-05:00

I wanted life to slow down after the wedding and it has

I love coming home each night to eat dinner and hang out with my husband

But I'm feeling lame because lately all we've done is sat around watching Netflix and taking the occasional walk

I'm not sure what else to do though, he works odd hours and there isn't much to do in town

What should we do besides watching movies and making Walmart runs?

Oh! I did get my hair cut today and its super cute! :)

liar liar

2010-05-26T23:23:00.000-05:00

She doesn't think its wrong to lie

I think lying is wrong

Its her life

Its my life

But when it effects the lives of others I think I need to do something.

Right?

I think I need to tattle but I'm afraid its going to come back to bite me in the butt.

Ouch...

making it easier

2010-05-20T15:10:00.001-05:00

Meet my new best friend:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

(vivideloquence :: look me up! Let's be friends.)

Its convenient, easy to navigate, v. simple...

I see a long-term relationship in our future.

gifted

2010-05-18T14:41:00.004-05:00

I'm starting to understand my emptiness

I have a gift

and I'm not using it.

Q. what is my gift?

I'm not making a difference

I'm not learning about God

or people

I'm learning about me

me is not enough

things be different now

2010-05-13T12:58:00.002-05:00

Ways this summer is different than the last:

I'm married

Have a good job instead of working nights at IHOP

AIR CONDITIONING! (important staple of life in MO)

I'm paying off school debt. Being debt-free isn't too far away

I will be writing again soon. I WILL. (Hold me to that!)

One of my closest friends will be in another country :,(

I weigh less than I did and the number is still dropping!

I'm learning how to make colorful, fun, healthy food for everyday

My stress level is leveling off

Its going to be lovely.

rockies

2010-05-08T01:08:00.001-05:00

Every time I'm in Colorado I'm always amazed at how much there is to do.

hiking, swimming, walking, rafting...

In MO my main activity is avoiding the humidity,

otherwise I would resemble Farrah Fawcett...

except worse, my hair would curl towards my face, probably to cover it.

frenchy

2010-04-28T13:56:00.000-05:00

I now have a night cream!

Oo la la.

I feel so French,

and my skin is like silk!

(or a fine bamboo/cotten blend)

my life...

2010-04-27T01:21:00.000-05:00

is so beautiful

I thought it was about time to show my more positive side

the next four days before I marry my sweetheart

will be fabulous

new phone, new life

2010-04-24T14:18:00.004-05:00

Its 7 days until we get married

and i feel like life is falling apart.

Everything has been going wrong

and I'm so nervous that I'm not sleeping

Sigh

I tried to quote scripture this morning

and ended up quoting Shakespeare instead

that's how messed up my mind is right now

But I have my Man and a fairy godmother

they are keeping me semi-sane

A week and 2 days from today it will all be over

We will be heading to the Mountains

and stress will be forgotten

Its been 8 months since my life was about

something other than getting married

I'm looking forward to simplicity again

No details that MUST get done

no set time I have to get home by

I can just fall asleep reading

in our bed.

bliss.

i love him

8 days until the wedding list

2010-04-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

1. strangle minister for forgetting he cant do the wedding

2. strangle office manager for telling me 11 days before that we cannot use the rooms we want

3. take 10 deep breaths

4. get counseling for pent up rage & stress

5. have a Big Bang Theory marathon in my "spare time" (spare time, ha ha)

6. eat

7. try and get all details to all the people who need them

8. kiss my Baby, oh wait, can't kiss again until after I Do

9. go to birthday party

10. live in two places at once

11. crack up

12. sleep sleep sleep

24/7 i feel like...

2010-04-15T23:50:00.000-05:00

19 days until marriage...

2010-04-12T14:15:00.000-05:00

...and 19 reasons why its about time!

I love that bathtub and want to take a long hot bath
There is more than one window in that apartment
I will never have to go home and leave my Honey!
I will have a dresser for my t-shirts and things
We can finally share our food in one place
There is a park next door perfect for walks
The public library is SO CLOSE
We can share rides to work
I can fall accidentally fall asleep and not worry about needing to get home
ALL MY STUFF IN ONE PLACE
I will have time to write once again
And read
And finish season One of Desperate Housewives
We can have people over for dinner
I can put things away where I want them
Everything will be ours to share
I can iron his shirts
A schedule can FINALLY be established

AND

19. We can take weekened getaways together!!!

you might have noticed...

2010-04-05T13:16:00.002-05:00

That I take a book almost everywhere I go. there is always time to read, you just have to look for it.

I don't like wearing shoes, flip flops are the closest I can get to going everwhere barefooted.

just another sunday

2010-04-04T23:36:00.005-05:00

My brand new wedding coordinator,

(I used to think I didn't need one, but now I know how wrong I was!)

told me to pick music for the part of the wedding where guests are being seated and of course, I picked the most romantic music ever;

The Pride & Prejudice soundtrack!

I also just bought a jump rope!
My body and I are getting tired of the same old workouts and I needed something to change it up
A trip to walmart later and a stroll down memory lane to my childhood...
After jumping with it for a few minutes I learned one thing...
Kids must have freaking fantastic cardio!
And hopefully I will soon join them

page

2010-04-04T02:16:00.001-05:00

My Love is a well worn page

I return again and again to read his mysteries

mirena

2010-04-02T11:46:00.001-05:00

When 85% of a product's commercial consists of listing the horrible side effects that might attack you, you may want to reconsider EVER using it...

Duh.
Commercial fail.

lemonade

2010-04-02T00:28:00.001-05:00

Lots to think about.

Do you ever have a dream you talk about but don't follow?

Always thinking you will get to it later

And then you are 22, getting married and driving a car with the side mirror hanging, only attached by it's cable?

Wow.

But I will write.

I will write many words, pouring out my thoughts like lemonade; the bitter and the sweet blended together.

Right now my excuse is time, I will start writing again when I have time; oh that precious commodity.

But there's always an excuse.

I have to follow through this time.

I actually think I am finally ready.

In a month I hope it's all still there waiting to be blended together and sipped.

For now I will keep living and trying to take as much as I can out of each day, storing it away for later use.

happy thoughts

2010-03-25T11:51:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling down today...

So I'm going to make a list of things that make me happy

Maybe I can cheer myself up!

Rainydays are gloomy but still one of my favorite things; its rainy today

Tomorrow I set off on a trip to see my family for the first time in THREE months

I will be getting my REAL engagement ring soon...!!! (hopefully in the next 12 hours)

Saturday I will have two bridal showers thanks to people who love me

I'm growing ever happier with the person I'm becoming

Mexican and Chinese food two days in a row: Yum.

Reliving college days with a friend last night was so much fun

I'm cutting myself some slack

Orbitz (evil! stay away from them!) should be refunding my money in the next 5 days

30 Rock via Netflix has been my little sip of humor every now and then

daffodils & iris

2010-03-18T12:22:00.003-05:00

Such a spring-like day outside!

My mom is a fan of daffodils and she is one of the first to spot the Iris popping through the snow

I hope there are as many flowers here as there are in Iowa!

green

2010-03-17T13:45:00.001-05:00

Its been lovely today to see everyone in green

Green is my favorite color!

I've been thinking of the green river in Chicago today

It's been a year ago next week that I was in Chicago working with Inner City Impact.

I love that city.

Richard Jeni said:

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

Chicago is the closest I've come to NYC so far

I love the huge buildings screaming CITY

right next to the vast expanse of lake Michigan and the parks that cry NATURE.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Maybe I'll discover that I like Chicago more than NYC.

We'll have to wait and see

I'm ready for an adventure again.

Chicago was my most recent grand adventure

So I'll leave you with this picture in tribute

notice

2010-03-13T00:22:00.004-06:00

A beautiful day happened to me today

We finished our pre-marital counseling

And my darling took me on a date

Dinner, dancing and buying ties for the wedding!
Two-step, waltz, west coast swing and The Cupid Shuffle
We danced 'em all.

I love him.
I knew I had to have a man who danced.

I've been asking God to show me all of his good points so I will love him even more

Its really working.

I keep noticing new things about him

Smiling at witty things he says

Prayer does so much more than I think it will

I think I'll pray about some other stuff and see what happens

error room

2010-03-08T00:25:00.003-06:00

Let it Be... I just love The Beatles

I would have been a fantastic hippie

Too bad I missed the '70's

Anyway, I don't like to put gas into my car

I always think, "there is something more important I could do with this money, I'm sure".

And so my poor Stratus gets dehydrated often

But never as badly as it did Saturday on the way to work

No gas and a couple of steps toward walking to work later a car pulled up next to me

She offered me a ride and I accepted.

Afterward I got to thinking as I usually run my life through analysisto detect any lessons I should be catching on to...

I usually scorn people's lack of preparation for life

Being late, losing things, forgetting things

Oddly enough, (I think God calls in Irony?), I've been that person lately

Not putting gas in my car made me feel so stupid

But three people helped me out and none of them chastised me

It also put me in a position where I had to accept help

I don't like that.

I like to be on top of things

The girl who has it all together

But one doesn't learn very well like that

At least, this one doesn't

If I never allow anyone to see my weakness

am I real?

Will they ever get close to me?

It was strange to be the one being helped instead of the one helping.

As a first born, INTJ, Beaver/Lion

I'm used to being in charge and taking care of others

I'm softly learning humility

But its hard.

You don't want other people to witness things you aren't proud of

But they aren't proud of theirs either.

The more we error, the more we leave room for people to love us.

sun

2010-03-05T13:47:00.001-06:00

Sitting on an old beach towel

with a book in hand on the back porch

I felt sun for the first time since winter.

Anne Lamott is the perfect companion

in such surroundings...

I love having a day off,

Especially when its so beautiful outside!
I miss being in nature.

interpret

2010-03-04T23:19:00.002-06:00

I want to tell these stories.

To share.

But I don't know where to start.

They don't emerge in the alphabetical,

grammatically correct way that I want them to.

I think too much

To write what you know, you have to know something.

I can't keep saying I have a dream if I'm never going to chase it.

families

2010-03-04T13:31:00.002-06:00

A few nights ago I watched a family walk into a Chinese place

and I felt sad because I don't have a family here.

I miss going places with my family

eating together, playing cards.

Just riding in the car.

Everywhere you go you need some sort of a family.

I have friends here who have created their own

family away from family

And I want that too.

Soon Patrick and I will become a family

but sometimes you need more than two.

Roomie and I talked about starting frequent "family dinnr" nights

That would be so nice.
There's just something about eating together,
you know?

But how do you pick a family?

Who should eat with us?

That's the nice thing about real family

you are stuck with them, they aren't chosen.

*wink, wink*

2 months

2010-03-03T14:04:00.003-06:00

Ok, this is just getting crazy.

I'm living in two places, feeling like a child caught in a divorce.

I'm so excited about the new apartment and I want to spend all of my time there,

but I don't live there yet so all of my stuff is missing.

And I feel like I've abandonded my roommate which makes me feel really bad,

but I don't know what to do.

I'm also running out of food because I don't have time to stay home and make anything.

So at work I eat crackers and cheese more often than not.

Maybe its just this week.

Maybe things will calm down.

Maybe I have a huge list of things I need to do

and no time to do them.

Maybe I need to grow up and take my life back.

I have excellent time management skills.

I need to use them.

I just really hate this place. This limbo between married and not married.

Its frustrating, upsetting, confusing.

And I'm not sure anyone gets it right now.

I want to take a day off.

Walk through a park

Breathe in.

Brethe out.

HAVE ALL OF MY THINGS IN ONE PLACE.

This is seriously a huge issue for me.

Ok, no more whining.

I just needed to do some therapy writing.

Thanks for standig by!

too many

2010-03-02T01:23:00.001-06:00

How does one keep up with so many people?

I want to stay current with everyone

But there is not enough time

Not enough energy.

Not even for my closest family and friends.

It makes me so sad.

I'm at a loss.

What do I do?

sunrise

2010-02-25T19:17:00.001-06:00

The sun rose!

God has come through, as usual.

He is so good to us. So good.

My man got the job.

Thank you God.

I need to trust you more.

love note

2010-02-25T00:28:00.001-06:00

muffin love

2010-02-24T16:00:00.002-06:00

Its cold out and the sun reminds me of fall.

I want to make muffins!

I like big muffins, (not muffin tops though)

And not muffins that are THIS big!

pancakes & friends

2010-02-23T13:51:00.002-06:00

Its national pancake day!

Some of my friends and I are going to celebrate by heading to IHOP tonight for the FREE PANCAKES!

Yum.

On a different note; can I just say how much I miss having a posse of friends?
In high school I did everything with the same group of people
We always had fun and all loved each other
Now everything is divided.
College friends. Life group friends. Friends from home.
I want a posse back.

sunrise

2010-02-23T00:48:00.000-06:00

I have a lot of things I want to complain about.

To worry aloud about.

I don't know if you want to hear them or not.

I'm supposed to be trusting right now.

But I'm getting so frustrated.

Doesn't He see we need help?

Doesn't He know what is happening?

I'm trying to smile and be happy.

It's not too hard. Only in the really dark moments.

The moments when the day is done and I'm left to think.

I don't want to trust You.

But You haven't failed me yet.

It's always darkest before the dawn, right?

There must be one hell of a sunrise about to hit the horizon.

I'll keep waiting, trusting, hoping and praying.

He will come through.

He will.

He must.

There is nothing left that I can do.

I think that's just the way He likes it

oats & rain

2010-02-21T10:08:00.000-06:00

Its the perfect morning for oatmeal.

Its rainy and cool. Two of my favorites.

air head

2010-02-21T01:26:00.001-06:00

Something is wrong with me lately and its really starting to scare me.

I can't type correctly, my fingers stumble between the keys

There are gaps in my memory that have never happened before

I will grasp at a memory for hours and not even a clue will emerge

I wish I knew what is wrong with me

Its frustrating and frankly a little scary

I've never felt like this before...

Like I'm losing the capabilities of my mind.

Its very upsetting.

currently dreaming of...

2010-02-17T13:58:00.001-06:00

A big white victorian house just outside of the city

A few acres of green-as-Ireland land

Wrap-around porch

Big, airy kitchen with miles of counter tops

Smiling faces to cook good food and tasty goodies for

Laughter floating in from the porch

A gingham apron to tie around my waist

A breeze drifting in from the open window

Sun pouring like honey over my mixing bowl

I miss living in a house.

solitary

2010-02-16T23:55:00.000-06:00

The chipper, cheery
Bright and laughing,
Dislike me the most.
But the quiet, thoughtful,
Introspective,
I am like their ghost.

Haunting them
I hover and taunt.
I'm out of reach most days.
After me
Like a drug they've sought
The fix so far away.

What am I?

I the ellusive, coveted,
Solitude.

vancouver 2010

2010-02-16T21:56:00.002-06:00

so... the Olympics...

Maybe I'm supposed to care more

But I just don't

Unless you're doing a crazy sport like skiing with a gun strapped to your back

now there's a sport I might like

admire

2010-02-16T01:12:00.002-06:00

Its hard to feel admiration for any one when you are as critical as I am.

But I felt admiration for someone and their abilities today.

Victory is mine!

The fight against my cynical nature is working!

Slowly but surely... one fight at a time

show

2010-02-14T01:34:00.002-06:00

nothing can haunt you like a song

gorgeous

2010-02-11T23:09:00.001-06:00

sunshine

2010-02-11T13:34:00.004-06:00

I want to be sunshine

Yellow warmth of love and happiness soaking everything I come in contact with

I feel like sunshine today

There are so many reasons to be negetive, down, depressed

To complain

But nobody wants to dwell on those things

Nobody wants to hear those things

and

it doesn't help anyone

We do it because its easier

Since when did easy become better?

Do something hard today:

Smile when you want to frown

Encourage when you want to complain

Give when you usually take

Be the best you that you can

happiness

2010-02-08T23:26:00.000-06:00

I've spent too much time thinking about myself today.

I want to be someone who is devoted to bringing about other's happiness.

And through their happiness enjoy my own.

eric bana

2010-02-06T00:21:00.006-06:00

Dear premarital teacher man, (who bears a shocking resemblance to Eric Bana in the movie Troy) :

I guess I can't really call you that since you aren't a licensed professional... even though the church insists we should listen to you for advice about our almost marriage, (and you DO look like Eric Bana, which I find a bit sketchy...)

I dislike the way you pretend to bond with us by telling obscure and pointless stories from your own life that take longer to tell than they actually did to live out.

And even though you keep trying to pry the "rose colored glasses" from my eyes, I keep telling you I lost those long ago and now you are just scratching up my corneas with all of your probing.

Also, making us watch a video of someone else doing premarital counseling doesn't really count as you doing your job... I know you were over there playing solitaire on your laptop in the corner.

FYI, from a girl to you... if there is any sort of crying involved, staring with bursts of nervous laughter probably isn't the best way to go. If you have a problem with emotions you might want to consider a different field of work, or just take couples who grew up on army bases.

Thats all for now, looking forward to never seeing you again.

-Jessie

humorless

2010-02-03T22:57:00.003-06:00

I miss being funny.

I've been reading this funny website lately, tears gathering in the corners of my eyes at work and I keep thinking, I could write this! I am that funny! But where has my humor gone?

I think sometimes I get so focused on a project (like a wedding) and I forget to be funny.

I write posts about whats going on, but not about my thoughts.

I would like to get back to some humor... I'll have to figure out how to start...

Rants.

That's it. I need to start ranting again. Gosh, its been a long time since I got to have a really good rant.
Lately they all happen in my head, or Patrick's ears.

The only problem with rants is that there are some things in your life you just can't rant about because you have no idea who reads your blog...

You know what I mean?

bright star

2010-02-02T00:43:00.004-06:00

Roomie and I watched Bright Star tonight and while neither of us actually liked the movie, it reminded me how much I love poetry... and words in general.

It's time to pick up my pen again.

A pen in one hand and a book in the other.

I need some new volumes of poetry.

Poetry is truly old fashioned, very few still dabble in poetry and even then, its not like it was before.

Poetry and love? I like what Elizabeth has to say on the subject. I quite agree.
(And I adore dancing.)

Elizabeth Bennet: And that put paid to it. I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?

Mr. Darcy: I thought that poetry was the food of love.

Elizabeth Bennet: Of a fine stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I'm convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead

Mr. Darcy: So what do you recommend to encourage affection?

Elizabeth Bennet: Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable.

feburry

2010-02-01T14:16:00.003-06:00

Its February first! This month looks to be good.

My brother and fake brother are comig to visit!

Patrick's birthday will be a blast!

New friends are proving quite fun.

Honeymoon plans have stopped vexing me.
And this will be the first Valentines Day we've ever spent together.

vanilla twilight

2010-01-29T23:51:00.001-06:00

Its snowy and cold again. And I'm remembering those warm evenings sitting on the back porch, alone, watching the light fade while the backyard went to sleep.

Gosh, I hate working in an office sometimes. I feel like the world is going on outside while I'm stuck in a fake creation of plaster and florescent light.

Maybe if I cared about my job it would be different.

What could I do that I care about?

I had a job that I cared about for awhile... but then the caring became my job and it was a terrible thing.

Caring about people should never become a job.

But, what should I do then?

There are very few things I am passionate enough about to invest myself in them for more than money.

I go to work to make money to live.

I do things I love to stay sane.

It's hard to think about what it would be like to combine those two things... is it possible?

emma

2010-01-28T11:51:00.001-06:00

Jane Austen is one of my all-time favorite authors, up there with Laura Ingalls Wilder and Maud Hart Lovelace. So whenever I see a new adaption of one of her novels I get excited. Can you ever get enough of empire waists, parasols and British accents speaking words from the 19th century?

Of course not!

Thank you Masterpiece Theater 2010!
I hope it's as good as it looks

sick part #2

2010-01-27T11:19:00.003-06:00

i've had a relapse. i'm sick again. this is what I'm doing today:

this is what i wish and need to be doing:

some people speak

2010-01-26T23:30:00.004-06:00

When some people speak their words bound and scatter across you, tickling you and making you smile.

When some people speak their words fall like rocks, crushing you.

When some people speak their words softly heal wounds you didn't know where bleeding.

When some people speak their words are like balloons, they float so high but in the end they are only full of air and eventually pop. And you spent too much time waiting for them to land.

heaven's five

2010-01-21T22:52:00.001-06:00

I've never been very excited about heaven. Part of that is the fault of my limited imagination and also the ways in which spiritual leaders in my life have tried to explain it to half full classrooms.

I don't relish the thought of spending eternity singing hymns, pacing streets of gold or bowing down before a throne with a Being so bright I cannot see him.

What is the point?

I think that Mitch Albom might be on to something in his book. He writes about a heaven where relationships reign. I think God would do something like that... Isn't that what He is all about?

I don't think Mitch got it all right by any means, but his book made me think. Made me happy. If his idea of heaven can do that, what about God's reality of heaven? He knows us so well and wants us to be happy... I wonder what that will be like...? (back to limited imagination...)

shut eye

2010-01-21T07:38:00.000-06:00

Is sleep God's way of making us take it slow?

I was mourning a few minutes ago that I couldn't squeeze more time out of my day to do things.

Work and sleep take up most of the day.

I am one of those people who needs almost exactly 8 hours of sleep. No more, no less.

Maybe God knew He would have to force some of us to take a time out every once and awhile.

Sleep is essential.

So is rest.

Don't work or play too hard. Take some time to rest and slow down.

That's what I'm trying to teach myself to do.

short on time

2010-01-18T14:31:00.002-06:00

So... I really need to get back on the wedding planning...

103 days

Time to make some lists. I love lists. It's hard to tell you just how much I really, really love lists.

sicky

2010-01-10T23:45:00.001-06:00

I've been sicky this weekend.

It really stinks cuz this weekend was my birthday.

Maybe next year I will have a good birthday?

I've spent my sicky time reading Harry Potter, watching some King of Queens episodes on Youtube and forcing as much liquid into my body as possible.

I also made veggie soup and popped some vitamin C's.

Took a two hour nap and I asked my boss if I can get off work tomorrow. She's great and said yes.

So here is to getting well by Tuesday....

Cheers.

make believe

2010-01-10T17:58:00.001-06:00

So tired of pretending.

Always pretending its ok.

I'll be fine.

I'll get over it.

I'm ok.

Put on the good face for company.

Its what you do... right?

But, what do you do about it later? When you stop believing your own lies and people start looking more closely?

some things i miss

2010-01-06T22:12:00.003-06:00

I remember walking alone on the path before the rain; you could smell it in the air.

Gathering with those sisters for movie nights, (mostly of the 19th century) and cookies.

Preparing for a night of dancing with giggles, swirling skirts and dance cards.

in the moment

2010-01-04T13:13:00.003-06:00

It can be hard for me to live in the moment. I like to plan ahead, look ahead in anticipation; sometimes worry ahead. I'm not good at being content with where things are at right now.

I know I miss a lot this way.

So I'm making some changes. When I'm unhappy with where things are at, or with what is happening I try to look for the good and celebrate it. It will be gone all to soon itself.

What is good right now that you are missing by looking toward something "better"?

this and that

2010-01-01T23:30:00.002-06:00

My mechanic lectured me yesterday about not allowing myself to become a victim. It was weird, but he was right.

When I get in a situation where things don't go my way I tend to take the victim route instead of taking all the information from my experience and making better decisions, friends, choices, etc., with it.

Are you acting like a victim too?

Started reading James again. Its my favorite book. So practical and straightforward. Gives me something to think about besides work, money, food, entertainment and the latest song stuck in my head.

lucky

2009-12-22T02:00:00.004-06:00

lucky im in love with my best friend...

the twinkles in your eyes

the way you watch to see if i will laugh

how you push my buttons just to see my reactions

the blueberry scones you shower upon me

you hold the door for me

stealing the show waltzing at that wedding

just some of the reasons im in love with you

biography

2009-12-19T00:13:00.001-06:00

Its strange to read a biography because sometimes you view it as fiction until you realize it all happened and it happened to someone. It was their life just as you are living yours right now. Then you get to the end and it inevitably ends in death. And it's like you've lost a friend.

Goodbye Theodore Roosevelt. You were an interesting man. I'm glad you got to be president.

"...he was so alive at all points, and so gifted with the rare faculty of living intensely and entirely in every moment as it passed..." -Edith Wharton

in

2009-12-17T19:40:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I like being alone.

I'm an introvert... what can I say?

Making homemade macaroni and cheese... yum!

Finishing up my different books

Now I'm sitting here hoping for a blueberry scone in a few hours...

*I'm a little ticked that most of the pics on google called 'introvert' are depressing and sad! I finally had to give up and pick something else.*

some days

2009-12-15T23:58:00.000-06:00

are just a little harder than others.

i should be...

2009-12-15T14:02:00.001-06:00

Sewing on my scrub top as it's gotten too big

Wraping Christmas presents, but I have no paper

Eating leftovers in my fridge

Reading, reading, reading to finish this biography

Writing so that someday I might publish something... anything

Picking up my guitar because I think I've forgotten how to play

Scrubbing the bathtub

Practicing the Waltz

Making that CD I planned to make

Charging my iPod

Searching for a copy of Pride and Prejudice for tomrrow night

But

I'm at work. Guess I'll do all that later.

away

2009-12-13T22:21:00.001-06:00

I hate the heat but I would love to be here right now...

A walk along the beach; smoothest, softest feet. A soak in the water and a little nap in the hammock. my oh my.