daffodils & iris

Such a spring-like day outside!

My mom is a fan of daffodils and she is one of the first to spot the Iris popping through the snow

I hope there are as many flowers here as there are in Iowa!

green

Its been lovely today to see everyone in green

Green is my favorite color!

I've been thinking of the green river in Chicago today

It's been a year ago next week that I was in Chicago working with Inner City Impact.

I love that city.

Richard Jeni said:

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

Chicago is the closest I've come to NYC so far

I love the huge buildings screaming CITY

right next to the vast expanse of lake Michigan and the parks that cry NATURE.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Maybe I'll discover that I like Chicago more than NYC.

We'll have to wait and see

I'm ready for an adventure again.

Chicago was my most recent grand adventure

So I'll leave you with this picture in tribute

notice

A beautiful day happened to me today

We finished our pre-marital counseling

And my darling took me on a date

Dinner, dancing and buying ties for the wedding!
Two-step, waltz, west coast swing and The Cupid Shuffle
We danced 'em all.

I love him.
I knew I had to have a man who danced.

I've been asking God to show me all of his good points so I will love him even more

Its really working.

I keep noticing new things about him

Smiling at witty things he says

Prayer does so much more than I think it will

I think I'll pray about some other stuff and see what happens

error room

Let it Be... I just love The Beatles

I would have been a fantastic hippie

Too bad I missed the '70's

Anyway, I don't like to put gas into my car

I always think, "there is something more important I could do with this money, I'm sure".

And so my poor Stratus gets dehydrated often

But never as badly as it did Saturday on the way to work

No gas and a couple of steps toward walking to work later a car pulled up next to me

She offered me a ride and I accepted.

Afterward I got to thinking as I usually run my life through analysisto detect any lessons I should be catching on to...

I usually scorn people's lack of preparation for life

Being late, losing things, forgetting things

Oddly enough, (I think God calls in Irony?), I've been that person lately

Not putting gas in my car made me feel so stupid

But three people helped me out and none of them chastised me

It also put me in a position where I had to accept help

I don't like that.

I like to be on top of things

The girl who has it all together

But one doesn't learn very well like that

At least, this one doesn't

If I never allow anyone to see my weakness

am I real?

Will they ever get close to me?

It was strange to be the one being helped instead of the one helping.

As a first born, INTJ, Beaver/Lion 

I'm used to being in charge and taking care of others

I'm softly learning humility

But its hard.

You don't want other people to witness things you aren't proud of

But they aren't proud of theirs either.

The more we error, the more we leave room for people to love us.

sun

Sitting on an old beach towel 

with a book in hand on the back porch

I felt sun for the first time since winter.

Anne Lamott is the perfect companion 

in such surroundings...

I love having a day off,

Especially when its so beautiful outside!
I miss being in nature.

interpret

I want to tell these stories.

To share.

But I don't know where to start.

They don't emerge in the alphabetical, 

grammatically correct way that I want them to.

I think too much

To write what you know, you have to know something.

I can't keep saying I have a dream if I'm never going to chase it.

families

A few nights ago I watched a family walk into a Chinese place

and I felt sad because I don't have a family here.

I miss going places with my family

eating together, playing cards.

Just riding in the car.

Everywhere you go you need some sort of a family.

I have friends here who have created their own

family away from family

And I want that too.

Soon Patrick and I will become a family

but sometimes you need more than two.

Roomie and I talked about starting frequent "family dinnr" nights

That would be so nice.
There's just something about eating together,
you know?

But how do you pick a family?

Who should eat with us?

That's the nice thing about real family

you are stuck with them, they aren't chosen.

*wink, wink*

2 months

Ok, this is just getting crazy.

 I'm living in two places, feeling like a child caught in a divorce.

I'm so excited about the new apartment and I want to spend all of my time there,

 but I don't live there yet so all of my stuff is missing.

And I feel like I've abandonded my roommate which makes me feel really bad,

 but I don't know what to do.

I'm also running out of food because I don't have time to stay home and make anything.

So at work I eat crackers and cheese more often than not.

Maybe its just this week.

Maybe things will calm down.

Maybe I have a huge list of things I need to do

and no time to do them.

Maybe I need to grow up and take my life back.

I have excellent time management skills.

I need to use them.

I just really hate this place. This limbo between married and not married.

Its frustrating, upsetting, confusing.

And I'm not sure anyone gets it right now.

I want to take a day off.

Walk through a park

Breathe in.

Brethe out.

HAVE ALL OF MY THINGS IN ONE PLACE.

This is seriously a huge issue for me.

Ok, no more whining.

I just needed to do some therapy writing.

Thanks for standig by!

too many

How does one keep up with so many people?

I want to stay current with everyone

But there is not enough time

Not enough energy. 

Not even for my closest family and friends.

It makes me so sad.

I'm at a loss.

What do I do?

sunrise

The sun rose!

God has come through, as usual.

He is so good to us. So good.

My man got the job. 

Thank you God.

I need to trust you more.

love note

muffin love

Its cold out and the sun reminds me of fall.

I want to make muffins!

I like big muffins, (not muffin tops though)

And not muffins that are THIS big!

pancakes & friends

Its national pancake day!

Some of my friends and I are going to celebrate by heading to IHOP tonight for the FREE PANCAKES!

Yum.

On a different note; can I just say how much I miss having a posse of friends?
In high school I did everything with the same group of people
We always had fun and all loved each other
Now everything is divided.
College friends. Life group friends. Friends from home.
I want a posse back.

sunrise

I have a lot of things I want to complain about. 

To worry aloud about.

I don't know if you want to hear them or not.

I'm supposed to be trusting right now.

But I'm getting so frustrated.

Doesn't He see we need help?

Doesn't He know what is happening?

I'm trying to smile and be happy.

It's not too hard. Only in the really dark moments.

The moments when the day is done and I'm left to think.

I don't want to trust You.

But You haven't failed me yet.

It's always darkest before the dawn, right?

There must be one hell of a sunrise about to hit the horizon.

I'll keep waiting, trusting, hoping and praying.

He will come through.

He will.

He must.

There is nothing left that I can do.

I think that's just the way He likes it

oats & rain

Its the perfect morning for oatmeal.

 

Its rainy and cool. Two of my favorites.

air head

Something is wrong with me lately and its really starting to scare me.

I can't type correctly, my fingers stumble between the keys

There are gaps in my memory that have never happened before

I will grasp at a memory for hours and not even a clue will emerge

I wish I knew what is wrong with me

Its frustrating and frankly a little scary

I've never felt like this before...

Like I'm losing the capabilities of my mind.

Its very upsetting.

currently dreaming of...

A big white victorian house just outside of the city

A few acres of green-as-Ireland land

Wrap-around porch

Big, airy kitchen with miles of counter tops

Smiling faces to cook good food and tasty goodies for

Laughter floating in from the porch

A gingham apron to tie around my waist

A breeze drifting in from the open window

Sun pouring like honey over my mixing bowl

I miss living in a house.

solitary

The chipper, cheery
Bright and laughing,
Dislike me the most.
But the quiet, thoughtful,
Introspective,
I am like their ghost.

Haunting them
I hover and taunt.
I'm out of reach most days.
After me
Like a drug they've sought
The fix so far away.

What am I?

I the ellusive, coveted,
Solitude.

vancouver 2010

so... the Olympics... 

Maybe I'm supposed to care more

But I just don't

Unless you're doing a crazy sport like skiing with a gun strapped to your back

now there's a sport I might like

admire

Its hard to feel admiration for any one when you are as critical as I am.

 

But I felt admiration for someone and their abilities today.

 

Victory is mine!

 

The fight against my cynical nature is working!

 

Slowly but surely... one fight at a time

show

nothing can haunt you like a song

gorgeous

 

  

  

  

 

sunshine

I want to be sunshine

Yellow warmth of love and happiness soaking everything I come in contact with

I feel like sunshine today

There are so many reasons to be negetive, down, depressed

To complain

But nobody wants to dwell on those things

Nobody wants to hear those things

and

it doesn't help anyone

We do it because its easier

Since when did easy become better?

Do something hard today:

Smile when you want to frown

Encourage when you want to complain

Give when you usually take

Be the best you that you can

happiness

I've spent too much time thinking about myself today.

I want to be someone who is devoted to bringing about other's happiness.

And through their happiness enjoy my own.

eric bana

Dear premarital teacher man, (who bears a shocking resemblance to Eric Bana in the movie Troy) :

I guess I can't really call you that since you aren't a licensed professional... even though the church insists we should listen to you for advice about our almost marriage, (and you DO look like Eric Bana, which I find a bit sketchy...)

I dislike the way you pretend to bond with us by telling obscure and pointless stories from your own life that take longer to tell than they actually did to live out.

And even though you keep trying to pry the "rose colored glasses" from my eyes, I keep telling you I lost those long ago and now you are just scratching up my corneas with all of your probing.

Also, making us watch a video of someone else doing premarital counseling doesn't really count as you doing your job... I know you were over there playing solitaire on your laptop in the corner. 

FYI, from a girl to you... if there is any sort of crying involved, staring with bursts of nervous laughter probably isn't the best way to go. If you have a problem with emotions you might want to consider a different field of work, or just take couples who grew up on army bases.

Thats all for now, looking forward to never seeing you again.

-Jessie

humorless

I miss being funny.

I've been reading this funny website lately, tears gathering in the corners of my eyes at work and I keep thinking, I could write this! I am that funny! But where has my humor gone?

I think sometimes I get so focused on a project (like a wedding) and I forget to be funny.

I write posts about whats going on, but not about my thoughts.

I would like to get back to some humor... I'll have to figure out how to start...

Rants.

That's it. I need to start ranting again. Gosh, its been a long time since I got to have a really good rant.
Lately they all happen in my head, or Patrick's ears.

The only problem with rants is that there are some things in your life you just can't rant about because you have no idea who reads your blog...

You know what I mean?

bright star

Roomie and I watched Bright Star tonight and while neither of us actually liked the movie, it reminded me how much I love poetry... and words in general.

It's time to pick up my pen again.

A pen in one hand and a book in the other.

I need some new volumes of poetry.

Poetry is truly old fashioned, very few still dabble in poetry and even then, its not like it was before.

Poetry and love? I like what Elizabeth has to say on the subject. I quite agree.
(And I adore dancing.)

Elizabeth Bennet: And that put paid to it. I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?

Mr. Darcy: I thought that poetry was the food of love.

Elizabeth Bennet: Of a fine stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I'm convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead

Mr. Darcy: So what do you recommend to encourage affection?

Elizabeth Bennet: Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable.

feburry

Its February first! This month looks to be good.

My brother and fake brother are comig to visit!

Patrick's birthday will be a blast!

New friends are proving quite fun.

Honeymoon plans have stopped vexing me.
And this will be the first Valentines Day we've ever spent together.

vanilla twilight

Its snowy and cold again. And I'm remembering those warm evenings sitting on the back porch, alone,  watching the light fade while the backyard went to sleep.

Gosh, I hate working in an office sometimes. I feel like the world is going on outside while I'm stuck in a fake creation of plaster and florescent light.

Maybe if I cared about my job it would be different.

What could I do that I care about?

I had a job that I cared about for awhile... but then the caring became my job and it was a terrible thing.

Caring about people should never become a job.

But, what should I do then?

There are very few things I am passionate enough about to invest myself in them for more than money.

I go to work to make money to live.

I do things I love to stay sane.

It's hard to think about what it would be like to combine those two things... is it possible?

emma

Jane Austen is one of my all-time favorite authors, up there with Laura Ingalls Wilder and Maud Hart Lovelace. So whenever I see a new adaption of one of her novels I get excited. Can you ever get enough of empire waists, parasols and British accents speaking words from the 19th century?

Of course not!

Thank you Masterpiece Theater 2010!
I hope it's as good as it looks

sick part #2

i've had a relapse. i'm sick again. this is what I'm doing today:

this is what i wish and need to be doing:

some people speak

When some people speak their words bound and scatter across you, tickling you and making you smile.

When some people speak their words fall like rocks, crushing you.

When some people speak their words softly heal wounds you didn't know where bleeding.

When some people speak their words are like balloons, they float so high but in the end they are only full of air and eventually pop. And you spent too much time waiting for them to land.

heaven's five

I've never been very excited about heaven. Part of that is the fault of my limited imagination and also the ways in which spiritual leaders in my life have tried to explain it to half full classrooms.

I don't relish the thought of spending eternity singing hymns, pacing streets of gold or bowing down before a throne with a Being so bright I cannot see him.

What is the point?

I think that Mitch Albom might be on to something in his book. He writes about a heaven where relationships reign. I think God would do something like that... Isn't that what He is all about?

I don't think Mitch got it all right by any means, but his book made me think. Made me happy. If his idea of heaven can do that, what about God's reality of heaven? He knows us so well and wants us to be happy... I wonder what that will be like...? (back to limited imagination...)

shut eye

Is sleep God's way of making us take it slow?

I was mourning a few minutes ago that I couldn't squeeze more time out of my day to do things.

Work and sleep take up most of the day.

I am one of those people who needs almost exactly 8 hours of sleep. No more, no less.

Maybe God knew He would have to force some of us to take a time out every once and awhile.

Sleep is essential.

So is rest.

Don't work or play too hard. Take some time to rest and slow down.

That's what I'm trying to teach myself to do.

short on time

So... I really need to get back on the wedding planning...

103 days

Time to make some lists. I love lists. It's hard to tell you just how much I really, really love lists.

sicky

I've been sicky this weekend.

It really stinks cuz this weekend was my birthday.

Maybe next year I will have a good birthday?

I've spent my sicky time reading Harry Potter, watching some King of Queens episodes on Youtube and forcing as much liquid into my body as possible.

I also made veggie soup and popped some vitamin C's.

Took a two hour nap and I asked my boss if I can get off work tomorrow. She's great and said yes.

So here is to getting well by Tuesday....

Cheers.

make believe

So tired of pretending.

Always pretending its ok.

I'll be fine.

I'll get over it.

I'm ok.

Put on the good face for company.

Its what you do... right?

But, what do you do about it later? When you stop believing your own lies and people start looking more closely?

some things i miss

I remember walking alone on the path before the rain; you could smell it in the air.

Gathering with those sisters for movie nights, (mostly of the 19th century) and cookies.

Preparing for a night of dancing with giggles, swirling skirts and dance cards.

in the moment

It can be hard for me to live in the moment. I like to plan ahead, look ahead in anticipation; sometimes worry ahead. I'm not good at being content with where things are at right now.

I know I miss a lot this way.

So I'm making some changes. When I'm unhappy with where things are at, or with what is happening I try to look for the good and celebrate it. It will be gone all to soon itself.

What is good right now that you are missing by looking toward something "better"?

this and that

My mechanic lectured me yesterday about not allowing myself to become a victim. It was weird, but he was right.

When I get in a situation where things don't go my way I tend to take the victim route instead of taking all the information from my experience and making better decisions, friends, choices, etc., with it.

Are you acting like a victim too?

Started reading James again. Its my favorite book. So practical and straightforward. Gives me something to think about besides work, money, food, entertainment and the latest song stuck in my head.

lucky

lucky im in love with my best friend...

the twinkles in your eyes

the way you watch to see if i will laugh

how you push my buttons just to see my reactions

the blueberry scones you shower upon me

you hold the door for me

stealing the show waltzing at that wedding

just some of the reasons im in love with you

biography

Its strange to read a biography because sometimes you view it as fiction until you realize it all happened and it happened to someone. It was their life just as you are living yours right now. Then you get to the end and it inevitably ends in death. And it's like you've lost a friend.

Goodbye Theodore Roosevelt. You were an interesting man. I'm glad you got to be president.

"...he was so alive at all points, and so gifted with the rare faculty of living intensely and entirely in every moment as it passed..." -Edith Wharton

in

Sometimes I like being alone.

I'm an introvert... what can I say? 

Making homemade macaroni and cheese... yum!

Finishing up my different books

Now I'm sitting here hoping for a blueberry scone in a few hours...

*I'm a little ticked that most of the pics on google called 'introvert' are depressing and sad! I finally had to give up and pick something else.*

some days

are just a little harder than others.

i should be...

Sewing on my scrub top as it's gotten too big

Wraping Christmas presents, but I have no paper

Eating leftovers in my fridge

Reading, reading, reading to finish this biography

Writing so that someday I might publish something... anything

Picking up my guitar because I think I've forgotten how to play

Scrubbing the bathtub

Practicing the Waltz

Making that CD I planned to make

Charging my iPod

Searching for a copy of Pride and Prejudice for tomrrow night

But

I'm at work. Guess I'll do all that later.

away

I hate the heat but I would love to be here right now...

A walk along the beach; smoothest, softest feet. A soak in the water and a little nap in the hammock. my oh my.

red dress

I'm looking for a little red dress. Here's a few I like. (the last one is my favorite)

snow?

The lack of snow in this strange and unnatural state (missouri) is depressing. Back home they have snow! The lovely white, foot printed, frosty, swirly, clean snow! We have... brown grass. I miss living up North. The closest I've gotten to snow are the paper snowflakes I've cut out and hung all over the apartment for the Christmas party roomie and I  hosted last night.

In other news; I learned the other day that albino dolphins are PINK! Isn't that fabulous?

a carrie

Sometimes you just need to feel fabulous.

The question is; how?

mascara? chocolate? shoes? flowers? i'm not sure.

Shoes made of chocolate. Maybe I won't have to choose now.

in the near future

I'm getting married. I know this isn't news to most of you. But I never got to fully share or express my excitement about this fact, I've been too busy.

In 4 1/2 months my life will change for the better in these ways:

• no more "lets hang out" and then one of us has to drive all the way back home in the freezing cold
• all my stuff will be in one place. I hate being at his apartment and wanting to make lunch or something and not having all my cooking stuff.
• we can combine our limited funds to make a slightly less limited fund!
• laying in bed reading. yes. awesomeness.

Ways it will change for the worse:

• he will be in my space all the time, (I really enjoy having my own space).
  
• i can't borrow his clothes to switch up my wardrobe like I do with my current roommate cuz her clothes are cute and his are just... manly.
• he will prolly eat that last cookie I'll be saving "for later".

But over all, I think it will be good. I can't wait.

dreaming of sleep

Its 1:30am and I can't get to sleep. I keep having this problem lately. I'm tired, I want to sleep but once I get to bed I just lay there and think... or I just lay there.

How do you fall asleep? I need some ideas.

positively done

Its funny what can happen on the days I decide to be positive. Its the same stuff that happens on the days when I'm not positive. The only difference is ME. I'm the constant in this situation.

My attitude is the difference.

Stuff happens that really stinks but it doesn't have to define the day. We still have each other; homes; food; God. Its okay. It will be okay in the end.

A year from now, things will be so different if my life thus far is any evidence.

three

favorite things currently

• Hot chocolate with a candy cane melted in it
• Baked potatoes
  
• King of Queens
  

glee

So... Glee. Anyone else watching this? I just saw my first episode. Thoughts? It's a strange show. Its like a combination of High School Musical and a Mandy Moore movie from the early 2000's.

Musicals on primetime TV? I'm kind of ok with this idea. I've always been a fan of musicals.

Check it out: Sweet Caroline (I really like Puck's voice.)

new/old

Doing things for other people. Even when you don't want to or don't feel close to them at the moment.

Age old wisdom. But I've learned it over and over again so many times. And probably will many times more.

Thanks old married couples for discussing this the Dr.s Office. Its probably one of the only things that kept me awake that day. I appreciate you.

nerds and porn

First we must define what the word Nerd is to mean in this post.

Nerd :: A person, (male or female), who is deeply interested in things considered to be nerdy. Ex: Dungeons and Dragons, excessive video game usage, collecting trading cards from childrens shows from Asian countries, avid watchers of anime and attenders of "cons" where one makes costumes and dresses up as a character from one, or an assortment of the above mentioned activities.

In society to be branded a "nerd" is not a flattering thing, unless you are among other nerds, then you earn cool points for your nerdiness. If you have not noticed nerds tend to flock together in groups, rather like jocks. Social studies would tell us that this is due to a mutual interest in something. But I sometimes wonder if its a mutual agreement to shun the rest of the world.   

Thus my question; why can a person not enjoy and dabble in some of the "nerdy" things and yet retain a balanced life by including other activities as well? From my (more extreme instances of) experience its either or. You are sold out or you are out of the club.

Can any one truly live like that? Or does one merely exist?

What is the draw of nerdy things? The chance to use your imagination even as an adult? The possibility of escape from a life where you cannot fight a troll, fly or perform magic? To drown yourself in something that makes you feel good, but is not real?

And this is where I think it can get dangerous. Immersing yourself into anything and hatching an obsession is never a good thing. And before my calling it an "obsession" upsets you please realize that I am not generalizing all nerds, just talking about some.

According to Webster
Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

When 80% of almost every conversation with someone is dominated by one subject it would seem logical that their thoughts and emotions were constantly surrounding that subject as well. Imagine a sports buff, crazed shopper or lover of video games or D&D.

I've come to a strange conclusion. Lets talk about porn. People look at porn and become addicted for a variety of reasons. One of the major reasons people like porn is because it's not real. It transports them into a fantasy life where they can do or be anything or anyone they want regardless of their weight, temper or other obligations.They are on an adventure and can make anything they want happen.

Do you see the parallel?

Many people are obsessed with video games, (etc),  and love them for some of these very same reasons. They get to live a life of adventure, they get to look however they want, overcome obstacles, win the girl, shoot the bad guy. Its a fake life but they want to spend a lot of time there.

Every time I think of that, I think of porn. Both end up running your life, don't they?

Can you quit whenever you want?

scrubs

Wearing scrubs every single day is really starting to throw off any sense of style I might have ever have had. Its got its pros and cons. like I never have to decide what to wear each day but when I'm finally off work I just go home and throw on my comfy grey sweat pants and a soft shirt. I don't know. I guess I need to realize that there are still reasons to dress up and care about what I'm wearing, even if I don't get to wear it all day long.

conversation

he asked me
i had to admit; yes
the silence was awkward for us both
the proof lay there... and we didn't know what to do with it
so we moved on to a safer subject

i don't know how he always knows, but he does

hold your tongue

I hate it when I cannot scream the words I want to say.

chow chow

CHOW!

I'm in love. I'm in LOVE!

speak

How do you take all of the strong, loud things you have to say and make them quiet and calm so that She will listen? Or would she listen at all? Is there any point in putting all that effort in if it's not even registering as she texts on her phone?

I guess I won't know until I die.

But I'll keep trying.

Cuz no one is a lost cause.

Just stop. please.

excerpt

Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart! Else it may be their miserable fortune, as it was Roger Chillingworth's, when some mightier touch than their own may have awakened all her sensibilities, to be reproached even for the calm content, the marble image of happiness, which they will have imposed upon her as the warm reality.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

sharp

Sometimes life just needs to be a little more Black & White.

getting to know you

It is hard to become friends with adults. It was easier in the sandbox when sharing your shovel made you a new friend. I think we get too judgmental and busy when we are older. And maybe it takes more time to get to know each other because we've lived longer and there is more to tell? More that makes up each person?

if only

I want you to be the best. so much. so much.

story

I just finished Donald Miller's newest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and walked away feeling different than I have after completing any other Miller book. Well, technically I sat on my couch and started at my computer and realized I was hungry, but I felt different. I felt uplifted, optimistic.

This book is about Story. Our story, other people's stories and life itself as a story. What kind of story are you telling with your life? Are you doing dangerous things, not just physically, but are you taking risks in relationships, putting yourself out there, asking the hard questions. Or is a bag of chips and the Simpsons as far as your aspirations go?

I feel like this books is a drop of sunshine, how fitting that the cover is yellow. I've been inspired to make sure that I'm writing the best story that I can, without regretting so much or wishing for more. I've already made a few changes this week, changed my attitudes, asked questions that are changing the directions of friendships... I can't wait to see what is next.

correspondence

How often will I come to find out that most of my close friends I now only know through limited correspondence?

nook

I have a friend who lives alone. His apartment reminds me of somewhere a writer would reside. He's not really a writer but its a cozy little nook which looks like it would yield artistic inspiration and a book or two... or at least a short story, maybe a journal or something. Again, he's not a writer. He sleeps on his floor, plays soccer barefoot and waits tables at a Mexican restaurant. (<--- that's one word I've never learned to spell. "restaurant" not "Mexican". ha.Thanks spell check.)

His apartment reminds me a little of my old room, back home; the home now inhabited by strangers. Bookshelves, black & white prints and blankets. I miss having my own little nest built of color, witticisms and musty paper; with a cat hair, or fifty, thrown in to add a little charm.

I love my roommate, and I like my apartment. But I miss having a space that is all my own. Maybe it's my American individualism or my introverted nature, but I miss it and there is no substitute that can replace it.

complaining

I'm going to complain. You saw the post title so its not like I didn't warn you.

I looked at the schedule for work tomorrow and my spirits plummeted. I know I'm getting paid, (thus the entire point of being there), but inactivity exhausts me. When I spend 6 of the 7 hours I'm there sitting in a spinning office chair wondering if I'm dead or alive ... or maybe I'm just in a coma as I'm slowly spinning, tapping my tennis shoes on the floor. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm not helping anyone, I'm just in it for the money. Weren't we taught that it was a sign of bad character just to be in something for the money?

Its so hard to stay and not jump out. I have good reasons to stay; quite often I recite them to myself as I stare at the white office wall wondering what it would feel like to fling myself against it.

Maybe I have a disorder? Something that makes it harder for me to accept reality? Everyone else understands that going to work that you hate is natural. Did I miss the memo?

Work = cage = death of soul.

I hope tomorrow is better. But Josh won't even be there this time so I don't have much hope.

P.s. even my feet are caged inside of the thing I abhor: shoes.

dawned

I'm a jerk. I'm alone. And this is why. The end.

thinker vs. feeler : church

Being a Thinker on the Myers Briggs personality test sometimes its hard for me to live life with my fellow people who are Feelers. This has been magnified recently in the process of going to church. Going to church sometimes feels like being bombarded with touchy-feely propaganda and it gets old week after week. Soft music played before asking for confessions and prayer, being asked to have heart-to-hearts with strangers, holding hands, hugging...

The way most church services are designed was either dreamed up by a Feeler or thought out by a very calculating and manipulative Thinker. Because that's quite often how I feel going to church, (yes, even as a Thinker I still FEEL). I feel manipulated. By the end of the service I should be sniffling with emotion threatening to overcome me. And after the worship set I should be jumping up and down with joy and clapping wholeheartedly. But I don't usually do either of these things.

I contemplate, deliberate, waiver, weigh, ponder; I think. And since I'm not ready to throw my hands in the air and exclaim "Hallelujah!" I don't fit in well with a lot of Christians. Or a lot of my friends for that matter. Its frustrating.

Where does a Thinker fit in at a church run by and attended by Feelers?

flabbergasted

Judge me for my cheesiness... I probably would. But God amazes me. I decided that stress wasn't something he wanted for me and so I'm looking for ways to cut it out of my life. One of them is to stop holding others responsible for my happiness or physical well being and to trust him instead. He is opening my eyes to how well he takes care of me and that leaves me free to take care of others and stop worrying.

I gave something away... and I am literally getting it back ten fold. I chuckle but I'm honestly amazed and flabbergasted. He doesn't lie. He is taking care of me in more ways than I knew.

too tight

Its so much easier to enjoy people and to let them enjoy you when you just love them. When love between friends, or lovers becomes less of a give and take and more of a chart of how well someone has done being your friend, or loving you, everything tightens up. Our hearts tighten up and leave no room for flaws, mistakes or oversights. While trying to get the best out of someone we inadvertently release the worst in ourselves. And perhaps make them feel like they can never measure up.

I've gotten to love three times today... its was sunny, soft and comfortable. Maybe that's why God made the world so beautiful. Maybe he feels the way a sunrise looks when he loves...?

ugly bible

Today I found myself admiring Blue Like Jazz for it's pretty cover. I like to read books with interesting and unique covers. Then I randomly thought about reading my Bible. I think the last time I read it was a month ago... or more. I'm not very good about Bible reading.

Oddly enough, my first thought after thinking, "I should read something from the Bible", was, "but it's such an ugly book."

Have you ever realized that besides law books and encyclopedias, the Bible is the most ugly book out there? Sure we've tried to dress it up as either pink and girly or leather and manly. Oh, and there was also the strange Magazine Bible craze. But we all know those are just so people can take them on the bus and read them without strangers thinking they are judgmental goodie-goodies reading their Bibles on the bus.

The Bible is an important book. Jewish scribes used to hand copy each page, switching their quills, (or whatever they wrote with), each time they wrote the name of God. Monks illustrated their manuscripts with original designs; but today they best we can muster is the "golden edged" edition for twenty bucks. What the heck?

looking behind to see ahead

When I was young, I looked ahead and saw things differently. I didn't see the scars as they were being formed, I didn't understand the impact of the high quality treatment I had received. Did it just set me up for disappointment?

How do I tell the truth when I know it hurts you? I'm disappointed, I can't hold back the truth.

My security is gone. Whipped like a rug from beneath my feet. I'm not surprised but something that shocking can be quite unsettling. Nothing beneath your feet... it's hard to walk on air. Mostly, you just fall.

how sad

It took an almost stranger to provoke us all to a REAL conversation. How pathetic. Yet, it was delightful to hear ideas, inspirations and formed thoughts spoken.

Thank you, Tom. I appreciated your presence, sir.

bye

Saying good-bye to someone is always a strange experience for me. Will I see them again? What will transpire while we are apart? Is the impact of how much I will miss them truly conveyed through my hug and, "good-bye"?

Something I hate; no matter where I go I will always be saying good-bye to someone.

hope

I'm so tired of hoping. When hope gets speared time and time again I don't want to hope anymore. It's a defense mechanism. If I don't put hope in you, I can't be disappointed by you. You don't have the power to make me sad if I don't choose to give it to you.

I don't want to give it to you anymore.

perspective

I've spent a lot of time telling people what I believe with all my heart... but when it comes down to application and participation will I hold up what I think is right? Rubber; I would like to introduce you to Road. You two will become good friends.

old and improved

This blog has become too... can I use the word "public"? I find that word choice odd since I only know of two people who actually read this. I use the word public to describe it though because almost since the beginning of this blog I've written for others and not for myself. I am currently reacquainting myself with the younger me via my old Xanga posts and I must say that I miss me. She had a lot of faults but she was a much better writer than I currently am.

I'm sorry me. I think I've let you down. At 21 didn't you expect to have published something? Hadn't you planned on living in Europe? I don't apologize to you for who I am, but I do apologize to you for selling out. I sold us out to shallow thoughts, unfinished dreams and laziness. No more.

It will take time. But I will change.

I will not lose myself in another person. He may be the bee's knees, but he is himself and I must be me. I know he will love me no matter what I do, but right now I'm honestly more concerned with how I feel about myself.

And so we come to the classic beginning of the end; or is it the end of the beginning once I post this?

brownies

New In Town... watch it! Soooo cute! Funny too. It's even better if watched with a plate of warm brownies on the side, and maybe a silly red head.

to dream

Mrs. Darling: There are many different kinds of bravery. There's the bravery of thinking of others before one's self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.

Michael: Where did he put them?

Mrs. Darling: He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer... He does. And that is why he is brave.

I hope we never have to put away all of our dreams. If we do, we'll give them the very best of drawers. But best case scenario, that drawer will be filled with socks and underwear instead.

weekend review

This weekend was gone so fast... It started out full of fall-ness when my darling took me to a corn maze that came with a hay ride and a pumpkin ripe for carving! We felt like being silly in the pitch dark maze so we howled like wolves just to see who would howl back. We received responses from most of the people in the maze. It was great.

Sunday lunch was hilarious, we met up with a friend of Patrick's from work and had a jolly old time with him, his wife and each of us brought our perspective "third wheels". I hadn't laughed as hard as I did during lunch in a long time. I see good friends in our future.

We home, carved my first pumpkin and then ate pizza!

After pizza and pumpkin seed roasting we went to the Pink's for some music and laughs and walked away with an invitation to a masquerade in November! I'm super excited...

these are a few...

I can't think of what to be for Halloween so I thought I would list some of my favorite things to see if that would help. Plus, I LOVE making lists.

Butterflies
Chocolate
1940's nostalgia
Snuggling in a blanket when its cold
Scarves
Seinfeld
Books
Artful photography
Silly kitties
Mascara
Bamboo bed sheets
Colorful flowers
Hoopskirts
Homemade rolls
Glass bottles and jars of all shapes and sizes
Random excursions
Laughter
Starbucks
Pirates (The Errol Flynn kind)
Black and white movies
Fruity candies
A nice pair of jeans
Jane Austen
Witty comebacks
Mountains
Driving fast
Sword fights
Penguins
Rainy days
Bonfires with s'mores
Fabric
Patrick
Audrey Hepburn
Katherine Hepburn
Buttery (very bad for you) pop corn
Running
Candles
Weeping Willows
Unexpected colors

Hmm... that didn't really give me any ideas for a costume.

years ago

I think you are lonely. Maybe that's why you hold everything in? Yeah... makes no sense to me either.

gummy

Gummy bears - delicious. In my work scrubs I have a pocket just for gummy bears. Look at this chandelier.

I'm craving a bonfire... and marshmallows and hot dogs... yum. Oh yeah, and parties hosted by OTHER PEOPLE.

I also want to go to a haunted house or on a haunted trail as I've never done that before. I also think I will be dressing up for Halloween and trick-or-treating for the first time EVER. I'm 21. But I don't know what to be... Any ideas?

I need to get my camera out and take some fantastic pictures. Its been a while since I worked some photography awesomeness.

My roomie is coming home tonight after visiting her family & friends back home. It was nice to have the apartment to myself but it got lonely sometimes. So I guess even as an introvert, I like living with someone. I think the best balance is having my own room but being able to step outside and find someone to hang out with anytime I want.

crack

I hit my breaking point. There was a lot less noise when I broke than I expected. It also hurts a hell of a lot more.

duh

I'm starting to realize that Things don't matter.

All over again I am learning this.

happy

Today I really love my life. I'm relaxed yet productive. Happy yet realistic. Energized yet not hyper. Getting alone time but also having a blast with friends.

It's a happy day, weekend, week and I just thought it boded some mention.

outnumbered

I had a fantastic evening at Laura's bridal shower. It was like, engaged-girl heaven, there were two other engaged girls and I didn't feel alone any more! I can't tell you how lovely it felt to be free to tell cute stories about our men, discuss center pieces and be genuinely happy.

Cuz here's the deal:

Guy gets engaged = other guys happy for him, proud of him & admire him.
Girl gets engaged = other girls jealous of her, ignore her stories & pretend they are superior since they are still single.

And you probably think I'm making this up...

drunken sailor

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, earl-lie in the morning...?

I'm not sure why but that bit of song is stuck in my head.

Patrick and I have been reading the Harry Potter series together. By together I mean that he is two books ahead of me. We are having fun talking about the characters, making Muggle references and wishing we could use charms and wizard items from the books. I like the books themselves, but reading them with him has made them 100% better!

Do you ever read a book that takes you back to a certain time in your life? Or have a certain time of year push you towards reading certain books? I do.

what goes up...

... must come down.

I'm on a seesaw... not sure how I feel about this, well, I'm sure - but I'm not sure how to feel better about this. You want to do this... and I think it's a waste. But its important to you... and I don't understand.

In the end... I'm just angry. again.

Whats yours is not mine... but I don't feel like what's mine is mine either... very upsetting. I'm not the only one making sacrifices. But it feels like it... quite often.