go catch it

There are so many things to do. But I find myself day in and day out reading a book waiting for life to happen to me.

Realization; it's not coming.

I have to go find it.

So, I've decided to start looking. I'm eating new things, going new places, making friends with new people I could never have imagined socializing with. Maybe I've been stuck up most of my life...?

One thing I know for sure; I miss my old self. I do not want to revert to that but to become a better version of the good foundation I had.

I will no longer strive to survive. I will strive to live. See those footprints...? I've already come a little ways... :)

coming down

Yesterday was a bad day. You can talk up everything in your life but sometimes you have to stop sugar coating things and just call them what they are; Sucky.

I kind of hate my life right now... but that doesn't mean it won't get better... eventually.

drunk

It makes me sad when people come in to IHOP drunk with a group of their tipsy friends... but at least they are having a good time together. What brings out my deepest saddness is when I see one lone drunk person come in. They sit at a big table or booth all alone eating their eggs with glazed eyes. I look and wonder why they are alone and if their aloneness is why they are drunk...?

Everyone does things for a reason.

circular

When summer hits I have this instinct to start preparing for camp and CIY... but then I realize that I am old now and I will never get to have those experiences again, even if I keep working with youth ministry. But as an adult, living on my own I'm having a ton of other experiences I've never had before... life is a continuous event... there is always something going on. :)

carver and a gyros

What to write... what to write?

Darlings, I am writing to you from the Parisian cafe in my mind... or better yet from the inspiring interiors of lovely little Andre's Bistro where my magnificent boyfriend took me for lunch... Ah gyros; delightful.

Missouri in the summer brings to mind mild versions of hell but if you wear a sundress and stand in the shade its not totally unbearable. But I do hate summer.

Life has been fast in a lazy and slow kind of way. My job doesn't give me enough hours so I've set my sights on becoming a barista at Starbucks. It's been fun to "keep house" thus far, we even had a poker night last night.

I bought cute saucers today with bright sunflowers on them for 29 cents! Mmm... Thrift stores!

Well, its time to sign off as I am just rambling. It feels good to get some words written out and sent into the void even if no one specifically reads them... :)

frustration

I am very frustrated that I cannot keep up this blog any more due to a lack of internet access... I will be back though... one day.

granted

So, I told you that when God worked everything out and pulled it all off I would let you know with a huge smile on my face. Well, I'm smiling. :D

I live with a wonderful girl and have extremely cheap rent; a college friend let me borrow her bike for the summer; my boyfriend lets me use his car to get to work; I HAVE A JOB; my church is probably going to support my brother and I as we go to NYC on a mission trip; a new friend took me out for dinner when I didn't know what I was going to eat that day; rides to far away weddings; my parents have given me monetary support which has helped beyond explanation; I passed all of my classes... and so on and so forth!

Everyday I see the ways God provides for me. It doesn't mean life is perfect, it doesn't mean I don't put work in to get results. But I know he wants me here right now and he is making that possible where I thought impossibility reigned.

I have learned about trusting God this month; but one of the biggest things that sticks out to me is learning that you have to let people help you. I've never liked to rely on people for anything, I always want to do it all myself. I don't like to share my problems... but I've been humbled and realized that if I don't share my problems then no one can help me solve them. God is ultimately in control but he works through the people all around me so much. Without them... I don't know where I would be.

ready... set... create!

I am looking forward to creativity... this summer I want to...

• Write a new song (It's been two years! Disgraceful!)
• Make art with paint chips from Wal-Mart
• Paint something
• Take many, many photos
• Write like there is no tomorrow (my dreams will not make themselves happen...)
• Sew a little something
• Cook up something wonderful (or bake...)
• Learn to be a better dancer
• Train my voice so I have a better range

I will beautify the world around me whenever I can!

ball of nerves

I am angry, upset, frustrated, stressed, worried, uptight and stuck...

I have no control. No control over my circumstances, the people around me or the many things I have to do.

I have no job, no car, dwindling funds, no house key, headaches, finals, lots and lots of noise, close friends leaving, family events without me... I want to just run away and hide... and possibly cry.

God will work everything out, I know He will. Its so hard to wait and feel so lost and helpless. I need Him to come through... soon. I am trusting Him with all of this. I KNOW that He will pull it off... I know He will, I've seen Him do it before. And when He does, I will tell you all about it with a huge smile on my face because He is amazing.

He will come through for me.

<3

Sometimes I cannot believe how wonderful you are...

ignored

Words. When you don't speak you don't love me. You do not care. I wish this made sense to you. Your cold shoulder takes the form of an unanswered question, one that lingers behind my words and glances... even my happy smiles.

Words. Bane of my existence; to try to capture the thoughts, feelings and meaning of this for you.

Words. Shiver; quiet; wish; breath; closed; try; hurt; redundant; unspoken; for granted; cellphone; one moment; passed; regret; alone; empty; disconnected; gesture; thought; later; broken; misgivings; attention; no; crushed.

be all there

I hate when people are late. I view chronically late people as lazy, inconsiderate and above all; Rude. My time is valuable to me and I hate to waste it.

But sometimes I spend too much time planning, scheduling and watching the clock.

I was with some friends the other day and I kept looking at my phone to check the time so I could leave and get on with the next thing I had to do. Then I realized; I like these people. I like them. Why am I counting down the minutes until I leave them, shouldn't I be savoring each moment?

"Wherever you are, be all there," said Jim Elliot.

Some people are late because they ARE rude and inconsiderate. But some people are late because they are enjoying each moment they have with the people they are already with. They may strive to be on time but always come up a few minutes short because they are exerting themselves right where they are... they are loving, laughing and talking to people other than you. Other than me.

One of my professors recently said to the class, "If you get offended often you need to take a step back. Who are you, what make's you such a big deal that you have the right to be offended about something someone does to you?"

Who am I, to take so much offense?

Wherever I am, I want to start being all there.

to sum it up

Someone unknown once said, "You are the sum of your choices," and I really like that because it takes all of the blame off of other people and places the ability to change things like your habits, words, actions and attitudes on to you.

I am trying to make good choices.

wilt

i've lost too much blood... i'm just not strong anymore.

tolstoy

Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of chaning himself. -Leo Tolstoy

koffee klatch

It's been rainy and lovely lately. Yesterday we visted the (FREE!) Spiva art museum and then went to the Butterfly Koffee Klatch because they moved so we were finally able to locate them! :)

Itallian Cream Soda... delicious!

pg 210

"All knowledge is spendable currency, depending on the market." - Bailey

knight

My knight went on an adventure today and brought these back for me... :)

down at the crick

I was sitting down by the creek tonight, doing some homework and dangling my feet in the water. I kept getting distracted by the water, brilliant greens and little bird sounds all around me and I kept getting distracted by God.

God is like water; sustainer of all life, beautiful, mysterious, refreshing, strong and gentle. And did you know that if you let water work long enough it will eventually remove any stain...?

We spend too much time inside. We were created to live outside. I love nature. Unless it's a bug... I hate that kind of nature. :)

GET OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO OUTSIDE! Wake up and have an adventure...

bedtime

You know... I think TV shows and movies are just grownup bedtime stories...