unwanted passengers

Fantastic night tonight. I went out driving with Imogen Heap and her new CD. Visited with some friends at my Patrick's house. After gaining two creative and fun refrigerator magnets made from bottle tops and given to me by a friend, I headed out to the bookstore. I sat in the uncomfortable, gray bookstore chair for two hours racing the closing time clock to complete Julie & Julia, which I am attempting to read there since I'm too poor to pay $16 for a book and the library in town doesn't know how to do its job well. Sometimes living on your own is financially worse than being a college student. And yet, unlike proclaiming your status as a college student, it's somehow not a valid excuse for free food to be fed to you...? Sadness.

The strange title of this entry comes from the fact that as I left the bookstore around 11pm and started walking toward my car in the murky light, one of the few things I've retained from Drivers Ed echoed back to me. "Always check for unwanted passengers..." This is not actually a rogue thought, it comes to mind quite frequently as a girl who is alone in a town that doesn't have a ghetto because it is one. Then I inwardly laughed as I realized, (somewhat to my relief?) that my car is too full of crap right now for any unwanted passengers to even fit. HA. Take that creepers of Joplin.

good things

Sorry I haven't written any thing very profound lately. I've been in a downward slope for awhile. Lots of stress and worry. But that was this summer. I want to make a list of all the good things now! Time to stop focusing on the negative and focus more on the positive.

• I have my own apartment now; with my own kitchen!
• I have a roommate whom I actually like.
• I've lost 13lbs.
• My Patrick is the best boyfriend ever.
• I got a job! and I actually enjoy it. It's not high stress and the people aren't morons.
• I have a car that runs well.
• A lot of my friends have come back for the semester.
• I'm learning how to cook, finally.
• I'm getting a full nights sleep.
• I don't have homework to do.
• I have air conditioning.

Many things are going right. I am tempted to look forward and worry about all of the things I know are ahead but instead I'm trying to live in the present. Not the past or the future. The right now.

why?

... lets just say cuz he's wonderful and treats me better than anyone else I've ever met, anywhere. :)

unexpected

I didn't expect the unexpected... and now I'm not sure what to do with it. oh my.

imperfect

What does love do? 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind but I need something a little more... real? Something imperfect, examples of real life. Love may be patient, kind, selfless and keeps no records of wrongs... but I am not love.

I am human.
I am disappointed.
I am alone.
I am waiting...

What do I do? I cannot change someone else. I can only change myself. But what if that is not enough? Am I the only one who worries these things? For when I say them aloud I'm often ridiculed, ribbed and raked over the coals.

What do I need to do to be happy? What would it be like to start all over again? I've been here so long that I can't remember much else. Afraid, planning, worrying, wishing, thinking, hoping, dreaming, hinting, hurting, asking, vulnerable, at a loss for more words - to say the very same thing.

sparkly

Wishing for...

• something magical
• chocolate chip cookies that taste fantastic and don't contain even one calorie!
• the perfect song to dance to
• many, many little white lights

fireflies

This song will make you smile... even if you don't feel like it.

next best thing

This is it folks.... check it out:

Fresh Bottled Air

In an old Mason-like jar too! Sweet.... could it get any better? I would like to try Thunder Storm myself.... heh. TreeDroppings.com is my new favorite.

new obsessions

I want to make this pasta salad.

Bread & Honey; my new favorite blog.

And I'm going to try and grow one of these in my new apartment.

I'm going to go watch Oprah.

tea time

It's getting late in Colorado: I'm sipping on tea and listening to Adele. I'm working on teaching myself to enjoy a cup of tea. Visiting the Celestial Seasonings factory this week is helping. My tea today...?

True Blueberry with a spoonful of honey...

I would like to try sugar cubes sometime. Mostly because they seem old fashioned, "one lump, or two?

round-about

Its aggravates me that when some people want to know something about me they will ask every-effing-person around but won't just come and ask me. How reliable do you really think that information is?

What are you so afraid of?

Its ridiculously pathetic.

close

When you want togetherness you cannot introduce foreign bodies into the solution. It just doesn't work... no matter how hard you fulfill your "duty". It just doesn't.

thickening

There are memories that I play over and over in my head until each time I go back to thumb through them they have the thickness, the filled out feeling that manifests itself into the consistency of pages from an old book.

Can they be as great as I remember?

Can I make new ones just as good?

Sometimes I would rather go back and stay in that memory than live this life, I don't think that's good. I made my choice.

mix n' match

• Spades may be my favorite card game, even more than Euchre... I know.
• I don't like dreams that linger with me... there is usually a reason.
• Colorado air is the best thing I've ever breathed.
• Being introverted can suck because sometimes there isn't anywhere to get away to.
• Seeing someone else battle selfishness can inspire you to do the same.
• I hate how unkind I can be.
• I am ready to get settled somewhere, I have been a nomad for far too long.
• White water rafting may be in my near future!