runaway : give up

When I come up against problems that I don't know how to solve my first impulse is to runaway. My simultanious impulse is to give up.

I've been afraid of this my whole life.

Afraid that I'm a quitter; that I manipulate excuses so I can give up when the going gets tough. I've started to make myself stick things out, stay when its hard. That's why I'm still at school. That's why I finally held down a job this summer... and its been good for me.

But now I'm afraid that I've gone too far and won't give up when I need to.

Am I clinging to this because its the "right" thing to do? It doesn't feel healthy, I am hurting... and covering it with anger - as usual. Is this a form of "abuse"? Or is that too harsh a word?

...

Side note: I am tired of doing all of this work with my head. I want to use my hands for something. A sewing project, photography, painting... whatever. I got to paint last week and it was so good for my soul. I think we all need a creative outlet now and then. Whether its writing, making music or pottery. There's something in us, at least in me, that NEEDS to make something beautiful from time to time. Do it.

to forgive

Forgiving is rather selfish

There’s something about forgiving someone that really makes you feel better. You’ve been stewing, harboring anger, hurt and poison inside wishing that there was a way to inject the other person with your hurt. But you step back, acknowledge the hurt and decide to move on and forgive them for the tiny mistake that they made.

Especially after all that you’ve done and all of the things that God, and other people have forgiven you for…

You have been wronged and yet you feel so humble to be forgiving them. “Forgiving” is such a big, heavy word. It seems like such a big thing to do. Like the word should be saved for murderers and politicians (heh) instead of for small offences that sting. But in the end it’s all the same. You still have to forgive.

I forgive you. I love you.

THIS is not worth Us.

on my mind

I actually have a little bit of time right now to write but there is nothing predominately on my mind. That makes me sad. At home I always have ideas, discussions or something artistic going on inside of my head. But here it's like there's too much in there to extract any single concept for consideration. It's exhausting really.

I've found that I tend to define myself based on what I am thinking or mulling over, so who am I when my mind is too full to think? Hmm...

introvert

So I'm here in Dallas, Texas for a meeting of the America Association of Christian Counselors this weekend. First of all, I love Dallas but I'm really sad that we can't wander more and look around.

Secondly, I am going crazy. I am an introverted person; this means that I recharge by being alone. Alone as in AWAY from other PEOPLE. Trying to get away alone is nearly impossible. A six hour trip in a van with 9 other people, sharing a hotel room with three other girls, spending all day with hundreds of people in rooms at the Hilton... my only escape so far as been the bathroom. Sometimes I seriously run in there and just lean against the wall and breathe to try and get some balance.

I never realized how inconvenient being introverted really is. You lucky extroverts can usually find people to be with anywhere and at any time but for us introverts it can be so hard to get away...

I know that I need time alone because today I have been cranky, angry, annoyed, sad, upset and feeling sick. I also feel really trapped. This is how I feel when I cannot get some time alone.

Praise the Lord, I was able to hang out for a teeny tiny bit alone in the room and write this post. But the girls are back from swimming now *sigh* so I'll end this because my mind just exploded again.

now

This past weekend has been such a refreshment. To be at home, outside of the Ozark bubble, back in the real world. No where in the real world is there a caf that you all gather at. No where is there a student center where you check your mail and hang out. College is fake life.

Fake life won't help you live in the real world.

What is the real world? You may be wondering. To me, the real world is a job, friends from all around, not just your campus, getting involved with church (because at school you don't have time!), growing friendships gradually instead of being thrown together and pretending you are so close.

I've also seen how pointless my life is lately. Hanging out with Patrick and my other friends is great but what am I DOING? Who am I helping? I go to youth group twice a week but is anything getting accomplished? I need to step it up.

They talked about missions and stuff in chapel today and it inspired me. I am inspired to get up and get moving again. I came to school this year with passion, happiness, love... and now I'm bitter, complaining and weary. This is not abundant life. There are people out there suffering and I am whining about living in a dorm and having tons of food and clothing... it's time to change. I'm not sure how, but I know when; NOW.

trust

So, writing is my addiction, once I start its hard to stop…

I have never seen myself as someone who has “trust issues”. But we’re most blind to faults in ourselves right? It’s a lot easier to see the faults in other people.

I assume that trusting is something that I am good at, but I’m wrong. I don’t like to trust because that means giving up control. I have come to realize that having control is a big thing to me. I want to be the one picking the restaurant; I want to be the one driving so I can leave when I want to; I want to spend my money as I see fit; I want to be in charge of pretty much everything.

Part of this desire for control may be attributed to the fact that I am a first born and have always been a leader for my siblings. And I think it may also just be part of my personality type. Those things are fine but when it comes down to taking control instead of trusting God, I’ve got problems.

Some major changes are coming along and instead of giving them to God my first impulse is to try and solve them, to try and change them to how I think they should be. I have grown up thinking, “If I can just find the right formula or the perfect solution, then I can fix the problem!” and sometimes that works but other times, I cannot fix it. And oddly enough, at those times I feel like I have failed.

Today I woke up with the realization that I don’t lean on God like I should. If I am sad I take it to other people instead of God. Its easier for me because they are THERE. I can see them, touch them, hear them… but maybe I could “feel” God more if I spent more time with Him and learned to recognize Him just like seeing my friends across campus.

I don’t know… let’s chalk this post up to mid-morning ramblings… there’s really no conclusion yet

a moment of rest

So I’ve got some down time… the school library is closed, my man is at work and my roommate and I are at Starbucks. I love coffeehouses! The ambience isn’t the only part I enjoy, especially around here where I see fellow Ozark students wherever I go. Its been cool to sit here and observe life as the people flow in and out with cups filled with various concoctions.

Being here makes me happy. Its slow, its artistic, its an aspect of life that I love in slow motion.

I miss being able to do stuff like this whenever I want. I miss the freedom of having a car to be able to take off and get a group together or just go somewhere alone. I never realized how blessed I was at home to have access to the family cars pretty much whenever I wanted.

…

So I got interrupted because, true to coffeehouse form, a friend walked in, sat down and we struck up a conversation. I don’t want this to be just another complaining entry but I want to voice how sad it makes me that we have so little time to get to know those around us. With juggling classes, then loads of homework, jobs, sleep (when we can!) and significant others it gets harder and harder to build deep relationships with the wonderful people around you. If you're not careful they are "just those people I eat lunch with" or "Those guys I had a class with Freshman year"...

I’ve really missed that deepness this week. I want to sit down and debate or discuss a subject that has a deeper impact on life than the lunch menu for that week in the caf. I want to call my best friend and talk the night away like we use to do. To drive down the highway headed towards the home of a friend where we can bake cookies together and enjoy the smell of almond flavoring together. (Its amazing! You should smell it).

But over all I have missed this. This part of my life that helps me feel full and whole, or organize my thoughts and to express the things that fester inside of me. This beautiful world where words rule and I can ramble about things that I care about. I love to write.

I also miss God. But I have to leave Starbucks now. So I’ll finish this thought the next time I can… hopefully that time will come soon.