lucky

lucky im in love with my best friend...

the twinkles in your eyes

the way you watch to see if i will laugh

how you push my buttons just to see my reactions

the blueberry scones you shower upon me

you hold the door for me

stealing the show waltzing at that wedding

just some of the reasons im in love with you

biography

Its strange to read a biography because sometimes you view it as fiction until you realize it all happened and it happened to someone. It was their life just as you are living yours right now. Then you get to the end and it inevitably ends in death. And it's like you've lost a friend.

Goodbye Theodore Roosevelt. You were an interesting man. I'm glad you got to be president.

"...he was so alive at all points, and so gifted with the rare faculty of living intensely and entirely in every moment as it passed..." -Edith Wharton

in

Sometimes I like being alone.

I'm an introvert... what can I say? 

Making homemade macaroni and cheese... yum!

Finishing up my different books

Now I'm sitting here hoping for a blueberry scone in a few hours...

*I'm a little ticked that most of the pics on google called 'introvert' are depressing and sad! I finally had to give up and pick something else.*

some days

are just a little harder than others.

i should be...

Sewing on my scrub top as it's gotten too big

Wraping Christmas presents, but I have no paper

Eating leftovers in my fridge

Reading, reading, reading to finish this biography

Writing so that someday I might publish something... anything

Picking up my guitar because I think I've forgotten how to play

Scrubbing the bathtub

Practicing the Waltz

Making that CD I planned to make

Charging my iPod

Searching for a copy of Pride and Prejudice for tomrrow night

But

I'm at work. Guess I'll do all that later.

away

I hate the heat but I would love to be here right now...

A walk along the beach; smoothest, softest feet. A soak in the water and a little nap in the hammock. my oh my.

red dress

I'm looking for a little red dress. Here's a few I like. (the last one is my favorite)

snow?

The lack of snow in this strange and unnatural state (missouri) is depressing. Back home they have snow! The lovely white, foot printed, frosty, swirly, clean snow! We have... brown grass. I miss living up North. The closest I've gotten to snow are the paper snowflakes I've cut out and hung all over the apartment for the Christmas party roomie and I  hosted last night.

In other news; I learned the other day that albino dolphins are PINK! Isn't that fabulous?

a carrie

Sometimes you just need to feel fabulous.

The question is; how?

mascara? chocolate? shoes? flowers? i'm not sure.

Shoes made of chocolate. Maybe I won't have to choose now.

in the near future

I'm getting married. I know this isn't news to most of you. But I never got to fully share or express my excitement about this fact, I've been too busy.

In 4 1/2 months my life will change for the better in these ways:

• no more "lets hang out" and then one of us has to drive all the way back home in the freezing cold
• all my stuff will be in one place. I hate being at his apartment and wanting to make lunch or something and not having all my cooking stuff.
• we can combine our limited funds to make a slightly less limited fund!
• laying in bed reading. yes. awesomeness.

Ways it will change for the worse:

• he will be in my space all the time, (I really enjoy having my own space).
  
• i can't borrow his clothes to switch up my wardrobe like I do with my current roommate cuz her clothes are cute and his are just... manly.
• he will prolly eat that last cookie I'll be saving "for later".

But over all, I think it will be good. I can't wait.

dreaming of sleep

Its 1:30am and I can't get to sleep. I keep having this problem lately. I'm tired, I want to sleep but once I get to bed I just lay there and think... or I just lay there.

How do you fall asleep? I need some ideas.

positively done

Its funny what can happen on the days I decide to be positive. Its the same stuff that happens on the days when I'm not positive. The only difference is ME. I'm the constant in this situation.

My attitude is the difference.

Stuff happens that really stinks but it doesn't have to define the day. We still have each other; homes; food; God. Its okay. It will be okay in the end.

A year from now, things will be so different if my life thus far is any evidence.

three

favorite things currently

• Hot chocolate with a candy cane melted in it
• Baked potatoes
  
• King of Queens
  

glee

So... Glee. Anyone else watching this? I just saw my first episode. Thoughts? It's a strange show. Its like a combination of High School Musical and a Mandy Moore movie from the early 2000's.

Musicals on primetime TV? I'm kind of ok with this idea. I've always been a fan of musicals.

Check it out: Sweet Caroline (I really like Puck's voice.)

new/old

Doing things for other people. Even when you don't want to or don't feel close to them at the moment.

Age old wisdom. But I've learned it over and over again so many times. And probably will many times more.

Thanks old married couples for discussing this the Dr.s Office. Its probably one of the only things that kept me awake that day. I appreciate you.

nerds and porn

First we must define what the word Nerd is to mean in this post.

Nerd :: A person, (male or female), who is deeply interested in things considered to be nerdy. Ex: Dungeons and Dragons, excessive video game usage, collecting trading cards from childrens shows from Asian countries, avid watchers of anime and attenders of "cons" where one makes costumes and dresses up as a character from one, or an assortment of the above mentioned activities.

In society to be branded a "nerd" is not a flattering thing, unless you are among other nerds, then you earn cool points for your nerdiness. If you have not noticed nerds tend to flock together in groups, rather like jocks. Social studies would tell us that this is due to a mutual interest in something. But I sometimes wonder if its a mutual agreement to shun the rest of the world.   

Thus my question; why can a person not enjoy and dabble in some of the "nerdy" things and yet retain a balanced life by including other activities as well? From my (more extreme instances of) experience its either or. You are sold out or you are out of the club.

Can any one truly live like that? Or does one merely exist?

What is the draw of nerdy things? The chance to use your imagination even as an adult? The possibility of escape from a life where you cannot fight a troll, fly or perform magic? To drown yourself in something that makes you feel good, but is not real?

And this is where I think it can get dangerous. Immersing yourself into anything and hatching an obsession is never a good thing. And before my calling it an "obsession" upsets you please realize that I am not generalizing all nerds, just talking about some.

According to Webster
Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

When 80% of almost every conversation with someone is dominated by one subject it would seem logical that their thoughts and emotions were constantly surrounding that subject as well. Imagine a sports buff, crazed shopper or lover of video games or D&D.

I've come to a strange conclusion. Lets talk about porn. People look at porn and become addicted for a variety of reasons. One of the major reasons people like porn is because it's not real. It transports them into a fantasy life where they can do or be anything or anyone they want regardless of their weight, temper or other obligations.They are on an adventure and can make anything they want happen.

Do you see the parallel?

Many people are obsessed with video games, (etc),  and love them for some of these very same reasons. They get to live a life of adventure, they get to look however they want, overcome obstacles, win the girl, shoot the bad guy. Its a fake life but they want to spend a lot of time there.

Every time I think of that, I think of porn. Both end up running your life, don't they?

Can you quit whenever you want?

scrubs

Wearing scrubs every single day is really starting to throw off any sense of style I might have ever have had. Its got its pros and cons. like I never have to decide what to wear each day but when I'm finally off work I just go home and throw on my comfy grey sweat pants and a soft shirt. I don't know. I guess I need to realize that there are still reasons to dress up and care about what I'm wearing, even if I don't get to wear it all day long.

conversation

he asked me
i had to admit; yes
the silence was awkward for us both
the proof lay there... and we didn't know what to do with it
so we moved on to a safer subject

i don't know how he always knows, but he does

hold your tongue

I hate it when I cannot scream the words I want to say.

chow chow

CHOW!

I'm in love. I'm in LOVE!

speak

How do you take all of the strong, loud things you have to say and make them quiet and calm so that She will listen? Or would she listen at all? Is there any point in putting all that effort in if it's not even registering as she texts on her phone?

I guess I won't know until I die.

But I'll keep trying.

Cuz no one is a lost cause.

Just stop. please.

excerpt

Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart! Else it may be their miserable fortune, as it was Roger Chillingworth's, when some mightier touch than their own may have awakened all her sensibilities, to be reproached even for the calm content, the marble image of happiness, which they will have imposed upon her as the warm reality.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

sharp

Sometimes life just needs to be a little more Black & White.

getting to know you

It is hard to become friends with adults. It was easier in the sandbox when sharing your shovel made you a new friend. I think we get too judgmental and busy when we are older. And maybe it takes more time to get to know each other because we've lived longer and there is more to tell? More that makes up each person?

if only

I want you to be the best. so much. so much.

story

I just finished Donald Miller's newest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and walked away feeling different than I have after completing any other Miller book. Well, technically I sat on my couch and started at my computer and realized I was hungry, but I felt different. I felt uplifted, optimistic.

This book is about Story. Our story, other people's stories and life itself as a story. What kind of story are you telling with your life? Are you doing dangerous things, not just physically, but are you taking risks in relationships, putting yourself out there, asking the hard questions. Or is a bag of chips and the Simpsons as far as your aspirations go?

I feel like this books is a drop of sunshine, how fitting that the cover is yellow. I've been inspired to make sure that I'm writing the best story that I can, without regretting so much or wishing for more. I've already made a few changes this week, changed my attitudes, asked questions that are changing the directions of friendships... I can't wait to see what is next.

correspondence

How often will I come to find out that most of my close friends I now only know through limited correspondence?

nook

I have a friend who lives alone. His apartment reminds me of somewhere a writer would reside. He's not really a writer but its a cozy little nook which looks like it would yield artistic inspiration and a book or two... or at least a short story, maybe a journal or something. Again, he's not a writer. He sleeps on his floor, plays soccer barefoot and waits tables at a Mexican restaurant. (<--- that's one word I've never learned to spell. "restaurant" not "Mexican". ha.Thanks spell check.)

His apartment reminds me a little of my old room, back home; the home now inhabited by strangers. Bookshelves, black & white prints and blankets. I miss having my own little nest built of color, witticisms and musty paper; with a cat hair, or fifty, thrown in to add a little charm.

I love my roommate, and I like my apartment. But I miss having a space that is all my own. Maybe it's my American individualism or my introverted nature, but I miss it and there is no substitute that can replace it.

complaining

I'm going to complain. You saw the post title so its not like I didn't warn you.

I looked at the schedule for work tomorrow and my spirits plummeted. I know I'm getting paid, (thus the entire point of being there), but inactivity exhausts me. When I spend 6 of the 7 hours I'm there sitting in a spinning office chair wondering if I'm dead or alive ... or maybe I'm just in a coma as I'm slowly spinning, tapping my tennis shoes on the floor. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm not helping anyone, I'm just in it for the money. Weren't we taught that it was a sign of bad character just to be in something for the money?

Its so hard to stay and not jump out. I have good reasons to stay; quite often I recite them to myself as I stare at the white office wall wondering what it would feel like to fling myself against it.

Maybe I have a disorder? Something that makes it harder for me to accept reality? Everyone else understands that going to work that you hate is natural. Did I miss the memo?

Work = cage = death of soul.

I hope tomorrow is better. But Josh won't even be there this time so I don't have much hope.

P.s. even my feet are caged inside of the thing I abhor: shoes.

dawned

I'm a jerk. I'm alone. And this is why. The end.

thinker vs. feeler : church

Being a Thinker on the Myers Briggs personality test sometimes its hard for me to live life with my fellow people who are Feelers. This has been magnified recently in the process of going to church. Going to church sometimes feels like being bombarded with touchy-feely propaganda and it gets old week after week. Soft music played before asking for confessions and prayer, being asked to have heart-to-hearts with strangers, holding hands, hugging...

The way most church services are designed was either dreamed up by a Feeler or thought out by a very calculating and manipulative Thinker. Because that's quite often how I feel going to church, (yes, even as a Thinker I still FEEL). I feel manipulated. By the end of the service I should be sniffling with emotion threatening to overcome me. And after the worship set I should be jumping up and down with joy and clapping wholeheartedly. But I don't usually do either of these things.

I contemplate, deliberate, waiver, weigh, ponder; I think. And since I'm not ready to throw my hands in the air and exclaim "Hallelujah!" I don't fit in well with a lot of Christians. Or a lot of my friends for that matter. Its frustrating.

Where does a Thinker fit in at a church run by and attended by Feelers?

flabbergasted

Judge me for my cheesiness... I probably would. But God amazes me. I decided that stress wasn't something he wanted for me and so I'm looking for ways to cut it out of my life. One of them is to stop holding others responsible for my happiness or physical well being and to trust him instead. He is opening my eyes to how well he takes care of me and that leaves me free to take care of others and stop worrying.

I gave something away... and I am literally getting it back ten fold. I chuckle but I'm honestly amazed and flabbergasted. He doesn't lie. He is taking care of me in more ways than I knew.

too tight

Its so much easier to enjoy people and to let them enjoy you when you just love them. When love between friends, or lovers becomes less of a give and take and more of a chart of how well someone has done being your friend, or loving you, everything tightens up. Our hearts tighten up and leave no room for flaws, mistakes or oversights. While trying to get the best out of someone we inadvertently release the worst in ourselves. And perhaps make them feel like they can never measure up.

I've gotten to love three times today... its was sunny, soft and comfortable. Maybe that's why God made the world so beautiful. Maybe he feels the way a sunrise looks when he loves...?

ugly bible

Today I found myself admiring Blue Like Jazz for it's pretty cover. I like to read books with interesting and unique covers. Then I randomly thought about reading my Bible. I think the last time I read it was a month ago... or more. I'm not very good about Bible reading.

Oddly enough, my first thought after thinking, "I should read something from the Bible", was, "but it's such an ugly book."

Have you ever realized that besides law books and encyclopedias, the Bible is the most ugly book out there? Sure we've tried to dress it up as either pink and girly or leather and manly. Oh, and there was also the strange Magazine Bible craze. But we all know those are just so people can take them on the bus and read them without strangers thinking they are judgmental goodie-goodies reading their Bibles on the bus.

The Bible is an important book. Jewish scribes used to hand copy each page, switching their quills, (or whatever they wrote with), each time they wrote the name of God. Monks illustrated their manuscripts with original designs; but today they best we can muster is the "golden edged" edition for twenty bucks. What the heck?

looking behind to see ahead

When I was young, I looked ahead and saw things differently. I didn't see the scars as they were being formed, I didn't understand the impact of the high quality treatment I had received. Did it just set me up for disappointment?

How do I tell the truth when I know it hurts you? I'm disappointed, I can't hold back the truth.

My security is gone. Whipped like a rug from beneath my feet. I'm not surprised but something that shocking can be quite unsettling. Nothing beneath your feet... it's hard to walk on air. Mostly, you just fall.

how sad

It took an almost stranger to provoke us all to a REAL conversation. How pathetic. Yet, it was delightful to hear ideas, inspirations and formed thoughts spoken.

Thank you, Tom. I appreciated your presence, sir.

bye

Saying good-bye to someone is always a strange experience for me. Will I see them again? What will transpire while we are apart? Is the impact of how much I will miss them truly conveyed through my hug and, "good-bye"?

Something I hate; no matter where I go I will always be saying good-bye to someone.

hope

I'm so tired of hoping. When hope gets speared time and time again I don't want to hope anymore. It's a defense mechanism. If I don't put hope in you, I can't be disappointed by you. You don't have the power to make me sad if I don't choose to give it to you.

I don't want to give it to you anymore.

perspective

I've spent a lot of time telling people what I believe with all my heart... but when it comes down to application and participation will I hold up what I think is right? Rubber; I would like to introduce you to Road. You two will become good friends.

old and improved

This blog has become too... can I use the word "public"? I find that word choice odd since I only know of two people who actually read this. I use the word public to describe it though because almost since the beginning of this blog I've written for others and not for myself. I am currently reacquainting myself with the younger me via my old Xanga posts and I must say that I miss me. She had a lot of faults but she was a much better writer than I currently am.

I'm sorry me. I think I've let you down. At 21 didn't you expect to have published something? Hadn't you planned on living in Europe? I don't apologize to you for who I am, but I do apologize to you for selling out. I sold us out to shallow thoughts, unfinished dreams and laziness. No more.

It will take time. But I will change.

I will not lose myself in another person. He may be the bee's knees, but he is himself and I must be me. I know he will love me no matter what I do, but right now I'm honestly more concerned with how I feel about myself.

And so we come to the classic beginning of the end; or is it the end of the beginning once I post this?

brownies

New In Town... watch it! Soooo cute! Funny too. It's even better if watched with a plate of warm brownies on the side, and maybe a silly red head.

to dream

Mrs. Darling: There are many different kinds of bravery. There's the bravery of thinking of others before one's self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.

Michael: Where did he put them?

Mrs. Darling: He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer... He does. And that is why he is brave.

I hope we never have to put away all of our dreams. If we do, we'll give them the very best of drawers. But best case scenario, that drawer will be filled with socks and underwear instead.

weekend review

This weekend was gone so fast... It started out full of fall-ness when my darling took me to a corn maze that came with a hay ride and a pumpkin ripe for carving! We felt like being silly in the pitch dark maze so we howled like wolves just to see who would howl back. We received responses from most of the people in the maze. It was great.

Sunday lunch was hilarious, we met up with a friend of Patrick's from work and had a jolly old time with him, his wife and each of us brought our perspective "third wheels". I hadn't laughed as hard as I did during lunch in a long time. I see good friends in our future.

We home, carved my first pumpkin and then ate pizza!

After pizza and pumpkin seed roasting we went to the Pink's for some music and laughs and walked away with an invitation to a masquerade in November! I'm super excited...

these are a few...

I can't think of what to be for Halloween so I thought I would list some of my favorite things to see if that would help. Plus, I LOVE making lists.

Butterflies
Chocolate
1940's nostalgia
Snuggling in a blanket when its cold
Scarves
Seinfeld
Books
Artful photography
Silly kitties
Mascara
Bamboo bed sheets
Colorful flowers
Hoopskirts
Homemade rolls
Glass bottles and jars of all shapes and sizes
Random excursions
Laughter
Starbucks
Pirates (The Errol Flynn kind)
Black and white movies
Fruity candies
A nice pair of jeans
Jane Austen
Witty comebacks
Mountains
Driving fast
Sword fights
Penguins
Rainy days
Bonfires with s'mores
Fabric
Patrick
Audrey Hepburn
Katherine Hepburn
Buttery (very bad for you) pop corn
Running
Candles
Weeping Willows
Unexpected colors

Hmm... that didn't really give me any ideas for a costume.

years ago

I think you are lonely. Maybe that's why you hold everything in? Yeah... makes no sense to me either.

gummy

Gummy bears - delicious. In my work scrubs I have a pocket just for gummy bears. Look at this chandelier.

I'm craving a bonfire... and marshmallows and hot dogs... yum. Oh yeah, and parties hosted by OTHER PEOPLE.

I also want to go to a haunted house or on a haunted trail as I've never done that before. I also think I will be dressing up for Halloween and trick-or-treating for the first time EVER. I'm 21. But I don't know what to be... Any ideas?

I need to get my camera out and take some fantastic pictures. Its been a while since I worked some photography awesomeness.

My roomie is coming home tonight after visiting her family & friends back home. It was nice to have the apartment to myself but it got lonely sometimes. So I guess even as an introvert, I like living with someone. I think the best balance is having my own room but being able to step outside and find someone to hang out with anytime I want.

crack

I hit my breaking point. There was a lot less noise when I broke than I expected. It also hurts a hell of a lot more.

duh

I'm starting to realize that Things don't matter.

All over again I am learning this.

happy

Today I really love my life. I'm relaxed yet productive. Happy yet realistic. Energized yet not hyper. Getting alone time but also having a blast with friends.

It's a happy day, weekend, week and I just thought it boded some mention.

outnumbered

I had a fantastic evening at Laura's bridal shower. It was like, engaged-girl heaven, there were two other engaged girls and I didn't feel alone any more! I can't tell you how lovely it felt to be free to tell cute stories about our men, discuss center pieces and be genuinely happy.

Cuz here's the deal:

Guy gets engaged = other guys happy for him, proud of him & admire him.
Girl gets engaged = other girls jealous of her, ignore her stories & pretend they are superior since they are still single.

And you probably think I'm making this up...

drunken sailor

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, earl-lie in the morning...?

I'm not sure why but that bit of song is stuck in my head.

Patrick and I have been reading the Harry Potter series together. By together I mean that he is two books ahead of me. We are having fun talking about the characters, making Muggle references and wishing we could use charms and wizard items from the books. I like the books themselves, but reading them with him has made them 100% better!

Do you ever read a book that takes you back to a certain time in your life? Or have a certain time of year push you towards reading certain books? I do.

what goes up...

... must come down.

I'm on a seesaw... not sure how I feel about this, well, I'm sure - but I'm not sure how to feel better about this. You want to do this... and I think it's a waste. But its important to you... and I don't understand.

In the end... I'm just angry. again.

Whats yours is not mine... but I don't feel like what's mine is mine either... very upsetting. I'm not the only one making sacrifices. But it feels like it... quite often.

the sum of your choices

I didn't make very good choices today.

But tomorrow is a new day!

makeover

bah! My hair needs a makeover! I want to chop it, grow it, dye it, curl it... what shall I do...? I just can't make up my mind!

the almighty dollar

I'm sick to death of money. I hate it. Every thin green-gray dollar I pinch between my fingers. The obsessive checking of the account to make sure there is enough. The USBank that screws you over. The stressful desperation that settles over everyday life.

I hate you money. If you were a living thing, I would hunt you down and make you extinct.

destructive

I am sick and tired of this. Again and again and again. I want to...

Swear at the top of my lungs.
Drive into a wall.
Throw glass plates on the floor.
Say all the dark things in my head.
Kick a window.
Rip.
Smash a mirror.
Pierce where it hurts.

Curl up.
Cry.

Feels a lot like 2 1/2 years ago.

ring

So that boy of mine... he gave me a ring...

Me + Everything = Happy.

good advice

I was reading a blog this morning and ran across this advice:

When you get married do what you've been doing, as in, be the person you were before marriage. People sometimes think marriage is a green light to change. You think, 'Now I should buy a house, have babies, cook more at home, let myself go...' But you got married because you liked each other. So if you went out before, go out now. If you had “ladies” night and “boys” night before, have it now. And take care of yourself! You want to be a woman your husband can brag about, and more importantly, you want to be a woman *you* can brag about.

I really liked that. I thought it was cute, and very wise.

tuesday at 11:58

I found out that it is now supposed to rain for the rest of the week. This is one of the best things I have heard all day! Very happy.

There is something in the air right now... Not sure what it is, (maybe its fall?), but it makes me want to read something whimsical and fun. So I'll be starting the Harry Potter series again once I finish my current book. Patrick is going to read them with me since he has never read them before (!). I really think he will enjoy them.

I'm off to work tomorrow. I've got the old dread-of-going-to-work feeling in my gut each time I remember that I'm to go to work but then I remind myself over and over again that for once in my life I don't hate my job. God's been pretty cool to hook me up the way He has. Thank you very much.

autumn

I am extremely excited for the coming of fall. Soft scarves to wrap around my neck; crisp leaves to trample underfoot; chill afternoons perfect for taking walks; football games to attend with warm hot dogs in cold hands; bonfires to sit by with marshmallows expanding on outstretched sticks. Fall is my absolute favorite time of the entire year. Hands down-with light gloves on, of course!

attitude

Attitude is everything. You can have more fun with the right attitude and you can accomplish so much more.

over start

Sometimes I really underestimate people. I assume, or rely on my past experiences with them.

We don't all play with our hands showing. Some of us play with our cards against the chest. The cards-against-the-chesters, they usually have a reason. There are so many reasons for why people do what they do.

I wish I knew yours.

I use psychology and I analyze all of the time. Why haven't I ever given you the benefit of the doubt? Maybe because I remember too much... or not enough, as it may be.

Hmm...

unwanted passengers

Fantastic night tonight. I went out driving with Imogen Heap and her new CD. Visited with some friends at my Patrick's house. After gaining two creative and fun refrigerator magnets made from bottle tops and given to me by a friend, I headed out to the bookstore. I sat in the uncomfortable, gray bookstore chair for two hours racing the closing time clock to complete Julie & Julia, which I am attempting to read there since I'm too poor to pay $16 for a book and the library in town doesn't know how to do its job well. Sometimes living on your own is financially worse than being a college student. And yet, unlike proclaiming your status as a college student, it's somehow not a valid excuse for free food to be fed to you...? Sadness.

The strange title of this entry comes from the fact that as I left the bookstore around 11pm and started walking toward my car in the murky light, one of the few things I've retained from Drivers Ed echoed back to me. "Always check for unwanted passengers..." This is not actually a rogue thought, it comes to mind quite frequently as a girl who is alone in a town that doesn't have a ghetto because it is one. Then I inwardly laughed as I realized, (somewhat to my relief?) that my car is too full of crap right now for any unwanted passengers to even fit. HA. Take that creepers of Joplin.

good things

Sorry I haven't written any thing very profound lately. I've been in a downward slope for awhile. Lots of stress and worry. But that was this summer. I want to make a list of all the good things now! Time to stop focusing on the negative and focus more on the positive.

• I have my own apartment now; with my own kitchen!
• I have a roommate whom I actually like.
• I've lost 13lbs.
• My Patrick is the best boyfriend ever.
• I got a job! and I actually enjoy it. It's not high stress and the people aren't morons.
• I have a car that runs well.
• A lot of my friends have come back for the semester.
• I'm learning how to cook, finally.
• I'm getting a full nights sleep.
• I don't have homework to do.
• I have air conditioning.

Many things are going right. I am tempted to look forward and worry about all of the things I know are ahead but instead I'm trying to live in the present. Not the past or the future. The right now.

why?

... lets just say cuz he's wonderful and treats me better than anyone else I've ever met, anywhere. :)

unexpected

I didn't expect the unexpected... and now I'm not sure what to do with it. oh my.

imperfect

What does love do? 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind but I need something a little more... real? Something imperfect, examples of real life. Love may be patient, kind, selfless and keeps no records of wrongs... but I am not love.

I am human.
I am disappointed.
I am alone.
I am waiting...

What do I do? I cannot change someone else. I can only change myself. But what if that is not enough? Am I the only one who worries these things? For when I say them aloud I'm often ridiculed, ribbed and raked over the coals.

What do I need to do to be happy? What would it be like to start all over again? I've been here so long that I can't remember much else. Afraid, planning, worrying, wishing, thinking, hoping, dreaming, hinting, hurting, asking, vulnerable, at a loss for more words - to say the very same thing.

sparkly

Wishing for...

• something magical
• chocolate chip cookies that taste fantastic and don't contain even one calorie!
• the perfect song to dance to
• many, many little white lights

fireflies

This song will make you smile... even if you don't feel like it.

next best thing

This is it folks.... check it out:

Fresh Bottled Air

In an old Mason-like jar too! Sweet.... could it get any better? I would like to try Thunder Storm myself.... heh. TreeDroppings.com is my new favorite.

new obsessions

I want to make this pasta salad.

Bread & Honey; my new favorite blog.

And I'm going to try and grow one of these in my new apartment.

I'm going to go watch Oprah.

tea time

It's getting late in Colorado: I'm sipping on tea and listening to Adele. I'm working on teaching myself to enjoy a cup of tea. Visiting the Celestial Seasonings factory this week is helping. My tea today...?

True Blueberry with a spoonful of honey...

I would like to try sugar cubes sometime. Mostly because they seem old fashioned, "one lump, or two?

round-about

Its aggravates me that when some people want to know something about me they will ask every-effing-person around but won't just come and ask me. How reliable do you really think that information is?

What are you so afraid of?

Its ridiculously pathetic.

close

When you want togetherness you cannot introduce foreign bodies into the solution. It just doesn't work... no matter how hard you fulfill your "duty". It just doesn't.

thickening

There are memories that I play over and over in my head until each time I go back to thumb through them they have the thickness, the filled out feeling that manifests itself into the consistency of pages from an old book.

Can they be as great as I remember?

Can I make new ones just as good?

Sometimes I would rather go back and stay in that memory than live this life, I don't think that's good. I made my choice.

mix n' match

• Spades may be my favorite card game, even more than Euchre... I know.
• I don't like dreams that linger with me... there is usually a reason.
• Colorado air is the best thing I've ever breathed.
• Being introverted can suck because sometimes there isn't anywhere to get away to.
• Seeing someone else battle selfishness can inspire you to do the same.
• I hate how unkind I can be.
• I am ready to get settled somewhere, I have been a nomad for far too long.
• White water rafting may be in my near future!

blue skies

This is the view out my new living room window. Sometimes Iowa is so beautiful that I never want to leave.

for me?

Randomly turning to Matthew 23... coincidence? I don't really think so.

quoteable

I'm not sure if you can read it but I really like this quote...

hammock

I thoroughly enjoy our new hammock. Whether I'm looking up into the trees or a beautiful starry sky, it's great. One of the perks of summer.

Levis

A man in a wood shop; he wipes his sawdust covered hands on his Levis and reaches for one of the tools hanging on the wall. After selecting the perfect one for the job he sets to work bringing art and purpose out of a dead tree. Jesus was a carpenter.

Would Jesus wear Levis? Or the opposite; why wouldn’t Jesus wear Levis? I think he would, unless there was another brand that he found more comfortable. But I really don’t think he would drop $150 on a pair of jeans. Would wearing Levis instead of a robe have made Jesus’ life any different? The Pharisee’s REALLY wouldn’t have liked him then. (They would probably just be jealous of his superior style and comfort).

I don’t think it would have made his life different, but would it make YOUR life different? Have people ever judged Jesus by what he wore? Would more people be comfortable talking to him if he wore jeans instead of a “robe”? Jeans are a universal symbol of comfort. We work, play and live in jeans.

If Jesus had been born into the world today instead of 2000 years ago, it’s a safe bet that he would wear jeans, (pleated pants would be out of the question). He might even wear jeans to church… *gasp!*

Does the idea of Jesus wearing jeans twinge a little of the conservative side within you? I hope so.

q&a

There are questioners and answerers in this world. The ones who ask all the questions hope that some day someone will be interested enough in them to ask questions of them. But sadly, all of the answerers get distracted, they forget, and they never return the favor. Thus the questioners are full of pent up answers to questions they will never be asked.

mini love story

The coffees’ poured
And frappes sipped
Pass the cards
And hold my finger tips

Little bits of you and I
Always hoping for more time
Take my heart
And always drive me home

To you I look for happiness
Play your cards close to your vest
Swing me around
Cuz dance floors are a place to fall in love

New walls hold an old life in
Delicious as some chocolate sin
Building it together
There’s only one place for it all to end… <3

shortcake

At the beginning of the summer I made this shortcake from an old recipe I found in Little Heathens by Mildred Armstrong Kalish. It was delicious! I've suddenly got the urge to make it again... if only I had strawberries.

happiness

To demand that one human being be responsible for your happiness is neither possible nor healthy. I did that to someone and it almost broke them down. I asked for too much because I needed more than they could give. That is in no way their fault, they were not designed to satisfied my deepest needs. They are more like the frosting on the cake; sweet and wonderful.

hodgepodge

I want to write but I feel like I have nothing to say... I hate that because I love writing and now that I actually have consistent internet access I cannot think of things to write about.

I could chronicle the lives of the naughty kittens that live here but they are so cute you would have to come see for yourself. I could write about my domestic experiences and how disappointing it is to ruin a batch of cookies, but that would just make you sad because now you cannot have one. I could prattle on about the books that I'm reading, but I do that enough when you see me in person. ;) I could detail my emotional highs and lows but that's what my Facebook status is for, right? I could recommend that you go see The Proposal and My Sister's Keeper, but who has money for movies? I could tell you of my longing for adventure and travel, but perhaps that would make you unsatisfied and restless as well...

No, I shall keep my own counsel and post this empty entry instead... *wink*

too much faith?

"I'm sorry for the short notice but I'm just trusting that God will provide..." wrote an acquaintance as she asked for money to go on a mission trip coming up in a few days.

Is there such a thing as too much faith? When you wait until the last moment to take responsibility that doesn't seem like faith that seems like foolishness... maybe they shouldn't blame God for their lack of preparation. hmm...

a.m.

I was up early this morning because I had to go to court. I'm not really a morning person but occasionally when I am forced to rise early I end up surprising myself by enjoying it. This morning I find myself wanting to walk through a fresh produce market, sit on a swing in the park or wander the streets taking photos... alas, instead I must go work out... but today will bring other joys. :)

blank

I'm not sure what to write about... there is simultaneously too much and not enough in my head to fill an entry. Too many personal things that I would love to pour out on to this virtual page in my moments of weakness but I know that later on I would regret sending them out into the world alone and unprotected.

And the little things which I would write about might be amusing but in the end if we spend all our time amusing each other and never spilling anything authentic about ourselves then where have we gotten...? Nowhere.

So I will give you one of each, my friends.

Lonliness is more often a choice than a circumstance. And reigning in your temper may feel like you are stifling your passion but in the end everyone will be happier - if not wiser... maybe.

When I bring home books from the library I feel like my bag is full of treasure.

count down

1 day until I can see fireworks
2 days until my best friend comes to visit
5 days until I go to court
6 days until I can attend a church I do not despise
9 days until I am an Elf once more
17 days until I see my brother!!!!
18 days until I leave for New York City
30 days until I leave for Denver
45 (ish) days until I move into my new apartment
51 days until everyone comes back to Joplin

My life has always been and always will be a series of lists. I like it that way.

go catch it

There are so many things to do. But I find myself day in and day out reading a book waiting for life to happen to me.

Realization; it's not coming.

I have to go find it.

So, I've decided to start looking. I'm eating new things, going new places, making friends with new people I could never have imagined socializing with. Maybe I've been stuck up most of my life...?

One thing I know for sure; I miss my old self. I do not want to revert to that but to become a better version of the good foundation I had.

I will no longer strive to survive. I will strive to live. See those footprints...? I've already come a little ways... :)

coming down

Yesterday was a bad day. You can talk up everything in your life but sometimes you have to stop sugar coating things and just call them what they are; Sucky.

I kind of hate my life right now... but that doesn't mean it won't get better... eventually.

drunk

It makes me sad when people come in to IHOP drunk with a group of their tipsy friends... but at least they are having a good time together. What brings out my deepest saddness is when I see one lone drunk person come in. They sit at a big table or booth all alone eating their eggs with glazed eyes. I look and wonder why they are alone and if their aloneness is why they are drunk...?

Everyone does things for a reason.

circular

When summer hits I have this instinct to start preparing for camp and CIY... but then I realize that I am old now and I will never get to have those experiences again, even if I keep working with youth ministry. But as an adult, living on my own I'm having a ton of other experiences I've never had before... life is a continuous event... there is always something going on. :)

carver and a gyros

What to write... what to write?

Darlings, I am writing to you from the Parisian cafe in my mind... or better yet from the inspiring interiors of lovely little Andre's Bistro where my magnificent boyfriend took me for lunch... Ah gyros; delightful.

Missouri in the summer brings to mind mild versions of hell but if you wear a sundress and stand in the shade its not totally unbearable. But I do hate summer.

Life has been fast in a lazy and slow kind of way. My job doesn't give me enough hours so I've set my sights on becoming a barista at Starbucks. It's been fun to "keep house" thus far, we even had a poker night last night.

I bought cute saucers today with bright sunflowers on them for 29 cents! Mmm... Thrift stores!

Well, its time to sign off as I am just rambling. It feels good to get some words written out and sent into the void even if no one specifically reads them... :)

frustration

I am very frustrated that I cannot keep up this blog any more due to a lack of internet access... I will be back though... one day.

granted

So, I told you that when God worked everything out and pulled it all off I would let you know with a huge smile on my face. Well, I'm smiling. :D

I live with a wonderful girl and have extremely cheap rent; a college friend let me borrow her bike for the summer; my boyfriend lets me use his car to get to work; I HAVE A JOB; my church is probably going to support my brother and I as we go to NYC on a mission trip; a new friend took me out for dinner when I didn't know what I was going to eat that day; rides to far away weddings; my parents have given me monetary support which has helped beyond explanation; I passed all of my classes... and so on and so forth!

Everyday I see the ways God provides for me. It doesn't mean life is perfect, it doesn't mean I don't put work in to get results. But I know he wants me here right now and he is making that possible where I thought impossibility reigned.

I have learned about trusting God this month; but one of the biggest things that sticks out to me is learning that you have to let people help you. I've never liked to rely on people for anything, I always want to do it all myself. I don't like to share my problems... but I've been humbled and realized that if I don't share my problems then no one can help me solve them. God is ultimately in control but he works through the people all around me so much. Without them... I don't know where I would be.

ready... set... create!

I am looking forward to creativity... this summer I want to...

• Write a new song (It's been two years! Disgraceful!)
• Make art with paint chips from Wal-Mart
• Paint something
• Take many, many photos
• Write like there is no tomorrow (my dreams will not make themselves happen...)
• Sew a little something
• Cook up something wonderful (or bake...)
• Learn to be a better dancer
• Train my voice so I have a better range

I will beautify the world around me whenever I can!

ball of nerves

I am angry, upset, frustrated, stressed, worried, uptight and stuck...

I have no control. No control over my circumstances, the people around me or the many things I have to do.

I have no job, no car, dwindling funds, no house key, headaches, finals, lots and lots of noise, close friends leaving, family events without me... I want to just run away and hide... and possibly cry.

God will work everything out, I know He will. Its so hard to wait and feel so lost and helpless. I need Him to come through... soon. I am trusting Him with all of this. I KNOW that He will pull it off... I know He will, I've seen Him do it before. And when He does, I will tell you all about it with a huge smile on my face because He is amazing.

He will come through for me.

<3

Sometimes I cannot believe how wonderful you are...

ignored

Words. When you don't speak you don't love me. You do not care. I wish this made sense to you. Your cold shoulder takes the form of an unanswered question, one that lingers behind my words and glances... even my happy smiles.

Words. Bane of my existence; to try to capture the thoughts, feelings and meaning of this for you.

Words. Shiver; quiet; wish; breath; closed; try; hurt; redundant; unspoken; for granted; cellphone; one moment; passed; regret; alone; empty; disconnected; gesture; thought; later; broken; misgivings; attention; no; crushed.

be all there

I hate when people are late. I view chronically late people as lazy, inconsiderate and above all; Rude. My time is valuable to me and I hate to waste it.

But sometimes I spend too much time planning, scheduling and watching the clock.

I was with some friends the other day and I kept looking at my phone to check the time so I could leave and get on with the next thing I had to do. Then I realized; I like these people. I like them. Why am I counting down the minutes until I leave them, shouldn't I be savoring each moment?

"Wherever you are, be all there," said Jim Elliot.

Some people are late because they ARE rude and inconsiderate. But some people are late because they are enjoying each moment they have with the people they are already with. They may strive to be on time but always come up a few minutes short because they are exerting themselves right where they are... they are loving, laughing and talking to people other than you. Other than me.

One of my professors recently said to the class, "If you get offended often you need to take a step back. Who are you, what make's you such a big deal that you have the right to be offended about something someone does to you?"

Who am I, to take so much offense?

Wherever I am, I want to start being all there.

to sum it up

Someone unknown once said, "You are the sum of your choices," and I really like that because it takes all of the blame off of other people and places the ability to change things like your habits, words, actions and attitudes on to you.

I am trying to make good choices.

wilt

i've lost too much blood... i'm just not strong anymore.

tolstoy

Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of chaning himself. -Leo Tolstoy

koffee klatch

It's been rainy and lovely lately. Yesterday we visted the (FREE!) Spiva art museum and then went to the Butterfly Koffee Klatch because they moved so we were finally able to locate them! :)

Itallian Cream Soda... delicious!

pg 210

"All knowledge is spendable currency, depending on the market." - Bailey

knight

My knight went on an adventure today and brought these back for me... :)

down at the crick

I was sitting down by the creek tonight, doing some homework and dangling my feet in the water. I kept getting distracted by the water, brilliant greens and little bird sounds all around me and I kept getting distracted by God.

God is like water; sustainer of all life, beautiful, mysterious, refreshing, strong and gentle. And did you know that if you let water work long enough it will eventually remove any stain...?

We spend too much time inside. We were created to live outside. I love nature. Unless it's a bug... I hate that kind of nature. :)

GET OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO OUTSIDE! Wake up and have an adventure...

bedtime

You know... I think TV shows and movies are just grownup bedtime stories...

comment please

There is a couple I know who are engaged and they just got married. But they got married about two months before their wedding...

What do you guys think about getting married before your actual wedding?

Just something interesting and out of the ordinary for your minds to chew on today. Mine is. Leave me a comment and let me know what you think about this idea.

nomad

I’m coming to the end (ish) of my time here at Ozark and I kind of feel like I cheated myself. I’ve lived on three different floors in four semesters. Looking back I wish I would have stayed on G2 because at least I would have been with them through my whole two years. As it stands now I am claimed by no one because I never stayed long enough or got close enough.

Sometimes I’m not very good at community… but is that really true? Tonight at devos they were talking about how we have such great community in our dorm/floor and how we need to branch out and spread that community to others on campus. And I sat there, looked around me and noted that none of my closest friends were in that group. My friends are scattered. I have friends in every dorm and I love it… maybe that’s why I don’t feel so close to my dorm as everyone else does.

Whatever it is, it bothers me. I feel like I missed out on something. You can’t have everything in life and I’m not going to sit around regretting my decisions but if I had it all to do over again, I think I would do it just a little bit differently.

homework

My constant thorn in the flesh...

family

Families are so strange. We all think our families are messed up until we go out, view other families and realize just how sane ours actually are.

There are family of origin issues; family rules; things we do and don't talk about... its a crazy cycle. We all have things we don't like about our families but famlies are made up of people; and people are not perfect so we should never expect our family to be perfect. But knowing that perfection cannot be attained should never keep us from trying to do the best we can.

My family can drive me crazy sometimes but I really love them all.

deception

When you find out someone’s deceiving you… you instantly distrust everything they have ever said or done. You hold up your relationship to the light and search for the inconsistencies in it, the flaws that keep it from sparkling.

What if the relationship is very old, and thus should be weathered... yet it remains as a collectable in a box, only taken out once and awhile to be shown off.

Disgraceful.

smile

Sometimes you just need the people around you to be happy. To take notice of the small things and delight in them. To laugh with you and remind you that life is beautiful even when things loom over you. God created the sunshine that makes me sweat and makes the green grass dazzle.

I'm tired of being crabby. It's time to smile.

development

My boyfriend says that to be in youth ministry should mean that you are an educational professional. So if someone outside of the home is with the kids; teaching them and helping them develop, (whether at church or at school), it would seem to me that it’s even more important for the parents to be professional educators. Even if they do not choose to homeschool their children.

I’ve learned a lot about childhood development this semester through Erick Erikson, my classes, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World and just the observance of my youth group kids. I don’t remember much of my childhood but it amazes me how much of what happens when you are young will affect you for the rest of your life. I am excited to learn more about this area of developmental psychology… I’ve spent years studying the male/female relationship but I think its time to move on to parent-educator/child relationships. It’s a very scary thing because so much can go wrong but it also holds so much potential for good…

much

I have so much to say; so much to write about. But not enough time!!! This frustrates me beyond belief.

On my mind...

Men and church; primarily my thoughts on the just finished book Why Men Hate Going to Church.

My missions trip to NYC this summer

God and how He makes me trust Him even when I want to plan out my summer

Prayer among Christians; the long and short of it... heh

I want to go work on photography for the Rapha House art show

People are walking around barefoot and I am not... because I think its ridiculous.

Read books about church planting because it's an adventure I didn't realize until two days ago

What am I actually doing...? Working on a late assignment. *sigh*

imperfect

inactivity

I've discovered that I become more exhausted by inactivity than by constantly being busy. Great amounts of time not used to actually accomplish anything frustrate me. I'm confused about this because I LOVE spending time together and just sitting around, hanging out with my family or beloved friends but in the end I feel like I need to have something to show for it. I think I need to lay aside the extreme value I place on time and learn to let things flow... value the people above the productivity. This is so hard for me... its hard to understand or explain why I am this way.

On another note... I constantly try to outweigh the bad things that happen with the good... but sometimes it doesn't even up. And I need to realize that it's okay. I tell myself the lie that if I just work harder at it, it will all even out. But it never does. The scale always tips to one side or the other. I'm pretty sure that's just life.

did you know

I love the Did You Know videos. They remind us that we must keep moving and never stop learning.

Did you know 2.0
Did you know 3.0

What does it all mean? Never stop learning, or you will be left behind.

motivation

Do I do the "right things" because I love God?

Or because I've been taught it's the right thing to do?

If I'm doing the right thing either way; does my motivation really matter?

Yes.

I want my motivation to be love, not habit.

But when you function off of habit for so long how do you switch to love? You cultivate love by investing in the relationship. There's really no other way... at least for me.

time

I feel like time is slipping through my fingers. The day is over and I have no idea where it has gone...

collage

Be yourself. The world worships the original.-Ingrid Bergman

Anne introduced me to a new artist I am really liking: Vienna Teng

Incredible art by Cara Barer made with books!

Cutest song EVER!!!

umbrella weather

Rainy days, oh how I love thee!

walgreens man

I talked with a stranger tonight and I LOVED it.

He was a little buzzed. Our conversation started over Reeses Easter candy. He wanted to know where it was and I told him. Then he was in line behind me at the check out so I mentioned the candy as a conversation starter and it took off from there.

In about 6 minutes I discovered that he is origionally from New York City and had started singing and performing in nightclubs while he was still in high school. He sang for a number of years and then moved to Chicago where he has lived ever since. His birthday is next month and he will be 52... He's been to Dubuque, Iowa for a seminar and ended my unfounded belief that city people are cold, hurried and don't like to talk. (Admittedly, he might have been a little more open to talking since he'd had a few.)

Even with all the awesome stuff I've done/seen this week, in all honestly, talking to him was probably the highlight. Maybe because I did it by myself. It wasn't scheduled or something I was told to do. Or perhaps it was just refreshing.

Sometimes I feel like I live to hear people's stories. I want to know why they do what they do; what has happened to make them into who they are; where have they been and where do they plan to go?

There is so much inside of each person and people long for someone to draw it out. How much do you know about the people in the store with you....? How much do you know about the person you call your Best Friend?

flexibility

Physically I am a very flexible person; but you mess with my schedule, my lists, my time; I get upset. Something gets pushed off-kilter and I don't feel quite right.

My dominate personality type, sometimes known as a Beaver, is very structured and likes to have plans and timetables. Something I am FINALLY starting to understand: God is not a Beaver.

I've always been frustrated that I don't get clear instructions from God. I've always said that a detailed email would be nice...

Someone quoted Rich Mullins the other day where he said that there are two types of people: those with the smarts to figure out what to do and those who are just given very few options. (lol)

I feel like one of the limited option people. Even though I usually hate living on the fly it tends to be how my life goes. College; not a planned decision. Chicago; kinda fell into my lap. Swearing off of youth ministry; two years and three youth groups later... God's still chuckling.

God is teaching me that flexibility isn't just an asset on the mission field. It's for here and now. Sometimes I think He pushes this on me because I swing so far the other way... And when I am organized and need things to be in their place I depend on myself to make it all happen. He is teaching me that I have to trust Him or I'll just be frustrated forever.

precious

The Chicago schools are full of yelling, frustrated & dicouraged teachers, dirty mouthed kids and young eyes that have seen more than you can imagine.

My steryotypes are falling down all around me, I have to watch out so they don't hit me in the head.

These have been some of the hardest days I've trudged through but I've gained so much. I guess you really don't gain anything of worth without hard work.

I'm so glad I came to Chicago.

called it

I don't know... I just don't know...

I want ivy covered; laugh until it hurts; words; walking the streets; cherished; sidewise looks; hidden notes; out of the box; dying to get back to; comfortable & exciting; challenges me; questions me; randomness and creativity.

I don't know... I've seen it exist though. Maybe that's why I can't give up wanting it.

chicago

"I just blew in from the Windy City..."

I'm headed to Chicago tomorrow morning for a week long mission trip working with an organization called Inner City Impact. I'm really excited and a little nervous for the same reason; I've never done anything like this before. If you think of me during this week say a little prayer. :)

My travels are finally going to begin....