good bye

I hate starting over. It's so hard.

I don't even know how to go about this. It feels like a divorce. I loved you. I gave you my heart. I wanted to help you grow, to take care of you, to be there to hug you when you were sad; to make you laugh and to teach you things.

I didn't know that I would love you this much. I've learned so many things about you in such a short time. I had plans for you... so much good.

When you wonder why I don't love you, why I just picked up and left without a good-bye; I pray that somehow you know that I miss you. Because I do. My heart aches for you and I still pray for you.

I'm not good at loving people. But I love you.

You may think I'm talking about a boy. I'm not. I miss my kids. They were actually mine this time.

scaffolding

It’s time to build some scaffolding and repair myself.

Bitterness and anger. They don’t hurt the person you direct them at, they hurt you. When you stockpile this fuel inside it slowly feeds the fire, takes over and runs your life. Even if you think that it doesn’t.

I am angry. I am bitter. I am upset. I am weary of this. I could wait for situations to change; life to change or I can go ahead and change myself. The only thing I can change is me. Or more correctly, I can choose to change and then allow God to restore me.

I love the book of James. I always end up coming back to it…

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19-20)

Can I even serve God effectively when I am angry and bitter? I think I can for awhile (by pretending and habit) but when I’ve got these weights dragging me down only one of two things will happen: I will cut them off, or I will drown.

absurd

I absolutely love this singing rabbit; there's no explanation as to why, but it makes me happy.

home on the range

I am in the mood to watch Gone with the Wind... or perhaps the more much more Humerous Version.

Today I also want to travel west and live on a ranch for a few weeks. I've had the urge to dig out a plaid shirt, put on some boots and go watch some bucking broncs while hanging on the fence.

I guess some good ol'e country music from back home will have to sufice for now.

I miss my reenacting days. Oh hoopskirt how I miss you sometimes...

music man: take 2

So I'm trying out for the Music Man tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should really be in it or not but an audition is the first step. If I get a callback then I'll have to made a decision but if I get rejected then I won't need to make a choice.

conversation of life

They say that you should end a conversation with someone while things are going really well -- is college the same way? Do I need to stick with my plan to leave, even though I've finally started to love and appreciate being here...?

a story

Someone sent me this story and I thought it was wonderful...

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. Her name was Brenda and he fell in love. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again. She simply said it wasn't possible. He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to find out that the baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us." She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter and a son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome. Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was amazed. That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children. Since then they have added two more kids. So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl from the Cedar Rapids Hy Vee? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals going to the Super Bowl. It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl's Most Valuable Player. And, of course, he has publicly claimed to be a Christian and has always given the credit for his success to Jesus Christ. Now there's how you change people's image of what a Christian is!

Cool fact: I went to church with Kurt Warner one Sunday a few years ago. :)

the harris generation

Was it actually a good idea for my generation to have Kissed-Dating-Goodbye?

I've been reading and watching people lately... (ha! Those are actually two of my most favorite pastimes.) And it seems that so far when we kissed dating goodbye we set down a very rocky path...

• Guys won't step up and ask a girl they like out on a date (for a multitude of reasons, I understand...)
• People get too serious too fast because they have been warned against the evils of the "casual date"
• Christian "singles" groups... which I really don't understand at all
• etc. etc.Theres' so much more but I need to go to bed soon.

A trend that a good friend and I noticed last semester was that guys who actually are proactive and pursue a girl they like were jokingly (or not so jokingly) refered to as a "stalker" or a "creeper". I've noticed that many girls do this. Seriously, it needs to stop. You cannot go around calling a guy a creeper just because he really likes you but you don't feel the same way. That's not nice AND you'll prolly never get asked out again. lol

Just some random thoughts on dating... goodnight!

as a woman...

The other day I was confronted with something I've never had to deal with before. Living in America and being raised by a family that said I could do anything made it even more shocking to me when I was told I couldn't do something becase I am a woman.

I have never been told that before. I was honestly livid.

I was not being particularly addressed (which in itself made me feel like I was invisible) but hearing someone say I could not do something because of who I am really sucker punched me.

I am not a feminist by any means but I do believe that men and women are equal, yet different.

To compare my tiny experieance with the likes of women being unable to vote or not allowed to follow their dreams would be ridiculous. But I found it interesting to get just a little taste of what life might have been like for women in the past.

i

I saw the last part of The Princess Diaries tonight at a friend's house. I love that movie and as we were watching it came to the scene where Mia arrives, bedraggled, to accept her role as Princess of Genovia. Her acceptance speech spoke to me.

She talked about the word "I" and how many times a day she uses it because all she is thinking about is herself.

This is true for me.

I am too busy to stop and chat. I am too shy to go and say hello. I want to go somewhere else for lunch. This is not what I want to do. I wish that I had that pair of shoes. I don't like what you have to say. I don't want to get up yet. I am weary. I already know that. I constantly think about ME...

dear God...

relearned

I'm never as alone as I think I am.

We tend to be alone because we isolate ourselves.

That short chat in class; the smile from the dorm room; the short phone call; beckoning for me to sit with you... thank you so much.

I am not alone. I am wanted.

jumble

I admire people who have passion.

A woman named Juliet, whom I've admired for some time, spoke during chapel today. She shared how her life has contained everything from drugs and prison to murder and addiction. Then she shared how God has turned her life around and is now using all of her past experiences to help her reach into the lives of other women and help them heal and overcome painful pasts with God's help. Then she sung a song I've never heard about the Alabaster box of purfume that Mary broke open and Jesus' feet and all of the feelings that must have gone along with that.

It was beautiful. Juliet didn't hit every note square on but she has a lovely voice and her's was one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a long, long time because it was raw. Her pain, joy and glory to God burst through every line and each intonation. At one part she even started dancing a bit and she was so happy.

Beautiful... why do some of us (me) have such a hard time showing our feelings and excitment about God? Maybe it's become old... mundane... stale. We don't need to strive to get back the "feelings" we had when we first became Christians but something needs to change.

I was struck today in chapel by the fact that the world's future pastors, youth ministers and such were nodding off while we spoke of God at this Christian College but when the speaker mentioned a favorite Football Star there were cheers and much awakening... Why do we get so excited about things that really don't matter very much...?

I do it too. For sure. But I want to know... why?

21 memories

For my 21 birthday I wanted to look back and share... (in no particular order)

1. Going to South Dakota with my brother’s Boy Scout group is one of my fondest memories! We camped, hiked, went to Mt. Rushmore and played a lot of cards. There are too many little memories about this trip to write down… the entire thing was wonderful.

2. On a warm summer day Anna and I road her family’s lawn mower about a mile down a cornfield to a stream. Across the stream was an island we named Skull Island (I cannot remember why, but I’m sure it was for dramatic purposes). We crossed the “bridge” (a fallen tree trunk) and explored. As I was exploring I stepped in what appeared to be sinking sand/mud and the harder I tried to get out the more my boot got sucked in. Trying to pull it out made my hip want to come out of it’s socket. Anna finally saved me though… and my boot.

3. When I was 9 or so, my best friend Molly and I made a singing group called The Sparkle Girls and wrote and recorded our own songs. We wanted so much to be stars…

4. As the Maid of Honor I stand on the stage and hear Cannon in D begin. As I look down the aisle I see one of my best friends of the past 9 years in a white dress wearing a beautiful smile as she looks at her groom. In that moment I am so happy for her, my heart almost bursts. Instead a huge smile blooms on my face and stays there throughout the ceremony – even as I cry happy tears for her.

5. Anne and I are both ridiculous and when I think of her I think of the nights we’d lay in our beds talking until far too early and laughing hysterically about the silliest things!

6. I remember flying to visit my Grandparents when they lived in New Mexico. I would put on tea parties with Mini Middles and the neighbor boys. And I would get little bottles of Twister from the garage for lunch. Gramps and I used to make snow men in the backyard and I would ride around them pretending they were the postman.

7. Jenny Yip is my Swedish Pen Pal. We met on a chat forum for the movie Gone with the Wind. Our mutual love of Gone with the Wind brought us together but many other things kept us together. Once she came here to visit me for two weeks. I love having a friend in another country!

8. When I was 10 I would help Gramps tend the backyard garden in my rubber boots and one piece swimming suit! (The pictures are hilarious!)

9. A few years ago my family took a weekend trip to St. Louis. We visited the arch and road down the river on a wonderful riverboat. I was sick that weekend but it was so wonderful to take a trip to someplace new with my family.

10. Libraries are special places to me. I grew up in them. I have many memories of rushing through the library to pick up a long awaited book. Or staying there for hours browsing or sitting in a back corner to read as the rain hit the windows.

11. I have an amazing friend who once took me for a surprise picnic at the Falls because he knew I’d been stressed and he wanted to help in any way that he could…

12. CIY was the highlight of my summer once we attended Martelle Christian Church. But one summer I was stupid and ended up spraining my ankle. I went to the ER in a 50 passenger bus and ended up in a wheelchair for the rest of the week. During that week Jacob was my protector and provider… He wheeled me around, brought me ice for my ankle and stood in countless Subway lines to get me lunch. Thank you Jacob.

13. Becoming a member of the “Ninja Nauts” my freshman semester in college was incredible. It introduced me to some of the closest friends I have at school. We had great times getting together to practice or just heading to Shakes (yes, Grant. I remember the incident with the straw…!). I love you guys.

14. I remember I use to write in my journal and pray to God every night that He would make me a professional figure skater… I’m so glad that didn’t work out!!!

15. Dancing is something that I ADORE. I’ve been doing vintage dances from the Civil War era for 8 or 9 years and it’s been splendid. Recently I’ve gotten to experience the thrills of Swing and other ballroom dances… I want to dance forever.

16. I love to talk with my brother. We get off on rants, on random rabbit trails and also often end up being serious. We have what my fake brother RJ likes to call “$5 conversations” because he thinks they are so silly/funny/weird that people would pay $5 for a copy of them on a CD.

17. My best friend has a beautiful way with words. Abbie has sent me “just because” cards at school and has left me little notes in my room after she has spent the night… and all these little notes make me feel so special and like she’s given me a beautiful part of herself.

18. Alysha and I have great memories every time we do anything together. She is my sister. I will always think of you Alysha whenever I hear a Taylor Swift song.

19. My 19th birthday Anna and Melissa planned a surprise party for me. I had NO IDEA! This is amazing because it is really hard to surprise me. I am good at knowing what is going on.;)

20. I was really under pressure at school last semester. I wanted to run away and quit. I was talking/crying to Patrick about wanting to go home one night and he said, “Why don’t we?” After that we made the plans and made a wonderful surprise visit home. That’s one of the best things anyone has ever done for me. Thank you Patrick.

21. There are so many talks I’ve had with so many people… I know that’s not a memory but it is one of the things I remember the most.

If you have any memories to share, then please go ahead and share them! :)

sparrow

I was sitting in the living room reading this morning when I stopped to look out the back window at all of the birds flying around. Suddenly one of them hit the window. I got up to see if he had flown off or had fallen and I saw him lying in the snow on the back pourch.

His leg was stuck out at a funny angle and his beack was open wide as his little body moved up and down from the hard inhale and exhale of his breath. I sat down on the floor by the window to watch him and I cried.

I wish I could save him but there is nothing I can do. Of all the things I hate in this world one of the things I hate the most is the sense of powerlessness and lack of control when I cannot fix things and make them better or different. When I cannot save something or someone.

Update: He's okay! He's okay! I just wanted him hop away! :)

two brilliant brits

Snipits of two of my favorite poems. They are both wonderful, go find and read them wholly.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
-She Walks in Beauty, Lord Byron

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.
-The Lady of Shalott, Alfred Lord Tennyson

odd

Have you ever known something for so long that you forget other people don't know it...?

bones

I hugged you yesterday
And my arms felt almost empty
Your bones I held instead of you
Someone tell me what to do

Why can I help mere strangers
But not the ones I’ve loved?
It’s been another year and
There’s less and less of you my dear

They tell me what they think of you
And how I ought to help
Don’t they know my heart is breaking?
Do they feel my dry tears aching?

I have the knowledge
The information from the books
But your life is not a hardbound copy
This ink and paper got more than sloppy

Old and dear friend
Why won’t you let me help?
Your bones I held instead of you
Someone please tell me what to do…

thin man

I've discovered that I have a '30's and '40's sense of humor. How odd... I rather like it.

elizabeth

I have an acquaintance named Elizabeth. I would love to call her a friend but sadly I’ve never been able to spend much time with her. She comes and goes, popping up in my life when I least expect it.

Elizabeth is somewhere in her thirties. She has a quiet spirit but knows how to have fun; sometimes her face bears a mischievous smile and her eyes always sparkle. Most of the times I talk with her are at the old fashioned dances where she happily wears the “TV Western” dresses that she and her sisters love to sew to dance in. To me she is the embodiment of a lifetime past, a beautiful, slower world where cows are hand milked, wool is spun; generations live together and share wisdom as well as laughter.

Elizabeth has Mennonite roots and currently lives on a family farm that’s over one-hundred years old. She and her sisters and brothers are working side by side making plans to breathe life back into their family heritage there.

She is a sweetheart, making people feel loved and welcome. Posessing much wisdom she shares but doesn’t throw it at you. She slowly offers her experiences and life lessons, making them so appealing that you would love to gather them all up and store them away in little boxes to look at whenever you please.

To me she has the air of someone who might have had a tragic romance in the past. But perhaps I let my imagination runaway with me.

Lest you think Elizabeth is stuck in the past you should know that she has a teaching degree and has been mentoring and mothering her classes as a professional teacher. Elizabeth strikes me as a woman who has the brain of Madam Curie, the wisdom and wit of Eleanor Roosevelt and the adventurous heart of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

I wish I knew her better.