good things today

• Starbucks with my dear, dear MaryAnna
• $4.40 boots that rock... thrift stores are the best
• learning how to eat a pomegranate with Alysha
• (jokingly) signing up for eHarmony and getting a hit within 20 minutes
• watching Rudolf with the family
• lovely roses from a sweetheart of a friend
• blueberry begal with strawberry cream cheese
• driving alone with music
• Ahna's artwork

things I discovered in the last 3 hours

I am so sheltered...

My life has been so easy

My life has been so boring

Maybe I'm a good listener because I've got nothing interesting to say

I don't know why I'm a Christian (when asked my mind goes blank)

Why do I believe all this?

What you've been looking for for years can be right in front of you. Literally.

I have no idea how to relate to someone who is not a Christian. That's pathetic.

I'm confused.

Sunday school answers don't cut it in the real world

I have so much to learn.

Philly

I'm all about new experiences. I like to go new places and experience new things. In the book I'm currently reading, Irresistible Revolution, the author talks a lot about his travels and also his home in Philadelphia called The Simple Way. While reading this book I've gone back and forth between agreeing with him and disagreeing with him. He is very big on peace, love and joy but I wonder if he takes it too far. Maybe my mind is just too narrow because I've never worked to push it beyond the limits of my upbringing, biases and presuppositions.

That's why I would like to visit.

After talking with my parents the other night I've started to think of things to do with my life. I want to write but I'm not sure what to write about. I want to travel, but I'm not sure where to go. The people at The Simple Way community continually invite people to visit them and see what is happening. And I want to go. Not right now but I definitley want to keep it in mind as somewhere to visit and write about once I'm done with school. I've never considered Philly... but I'm kinda excited.

It's 1000 miles away though... Hmm.

diverged

Safety first, I tell myself lies
Practicality implies
This logic is a pathetic attempt at comfort

In hands my head will rest
There’s such an ache inside my chest
Where can I find the answers for these questions?

Two places I call my own
The hearts that have all become my home
How do I decide which faces to pack?

My peace of mind all but erodes
These are my two diverged roads
Mr. Frost they are both excessively traveled, I feel no difference here

irresistible revolution

"There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God’s call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose. And they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their first and those of the people they live among. Both lead to emptiness and burnout." -Shane Caliborne

big brother

Alyssa & Brent
I've always wanted an older brother.

Today I was hanging out with everyone and I realized that if I had an older brother I would want him to be just like Brent!

Brent is the husband of a good friend of mine. He's silly, wise, talented and kind-hearted. He and Alyssa are so lovely together! But I envy my best friend because he is now her brother-in-law! (And one day soon she will also get Curtis too!)

Now I'm wishing I had an older sister so I'd at least have the chance of one day getting an older bro...

the point

Do you ever have those moments where you're like... umm... pretty sure I missed it.

Not the bus. Not dinner... the Point.

I feel like that's where I'm at. Here I am, in the Bible Belt of the USA, surrounded by the next generation of pastors, youth ministers and Christian counselors and I feel like I have no idea... about any of this.

I know the facts. Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. The Ten Commandments (though I must admit sometimes I like the Charlton Heston version better). Words like wittnessing, redemption, apologetics and salvation are a typical part of my vocabulary. But what's the point?

<---- I'm reading this new book (up there) and its making me think. {Which I love.} It's making me ask myself what I'm doing. I'm dinking around here BS-ing book reports and worrying about drama while some of my friends are actually out there living life and living God and I am envious.

I don't know how.

Some people use the term "spiritual journey" and I feel like thats where I'm at. I'm moving towards something but I'm not there yet. I'm moving towards a better grasp and understanding of what it means to be a Christian. Some times I feel like I get it.

But today; I know that I don't.

I feel like I'm starting at the bottom. My hands are empty and its dark out. You might think that I would be discouraged to be back at the beginning. But no -- its actually quite refreshing.

I feel like I'm allowed to peel away the onion-like skin of dried up arguments, hurtful experiences and continued annoyances with the church/Christianity. I'm looking for what's underneath; the heart of the matter. What DOES a Christian look like? Do? Say?

Don't quote any scripture at me yet, please... Just let me think about it for awhile.

But then you start to think there must be more to Christianity, more than just laying your life and sins at the foot of the cross. I came to realize that preachers were telling me to lay my life at the foot of the cross and weren't giving me anything to pick up. -Shane Claiborne, Irresistible Revolution

humanity: an hors d'oeuvre

I whine and complain about people but you know what, in the end I really do like them. Being here at school I’ve met some very interesting people. Actually, the fact is that I meet interesting people all over the place. Mostly I just love to know their stories…

Rebecca- We have the sweetest lady here at school. She’s caught between being young and looking old. It’s a rough sort of old, the kind that tells you life has been on the harder side. But her spirit has not wrinkled; you can tell by her eyes. She always has a smile and a quiet hello for anyone who is interested enough to catch her eye as they walk by. She and I have never talked over ten minutes at one time but the thought of her makes me smile and appreciate her quiet service day after day cleaning our bathrooms.

Hers is just one story that I like to think about… She got married this past spring to our security guard here at school. They are lovely together. I wish I knew her better.

I could spend my life sitting and listening to people tell me why they are who they are. The best part is, they tell so much of it without using words... and they don't even know!

lonely

The unthinkable has happened.

In the company of a book I was lonely. (Am lonely)

Maybe it is time for me to go home for good…

too many hands

On one hand I want to end this part of my life. Pack up at the end and leave without looking back.

On one hand I want to stay here and keep plodding along because this place is safe.

On one hand I think I am supposed to be here.

On one hand I want to go home because I'm weary of all of this.

On one hand I'm afraid of going home and being "trapped" there.

On one hand I want to throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams. But that is impractical.

On one hand I know what I need to do. On the other hand, I am so unsure.

I have all of the questions and none of the answers. Why can't You just be clear?

spine

I need to grow a spine. Lately I've let myself be pressured and coerced by people. If I didn't want to do something I would do it anyway just so they wouldn't be upset with me. If I had something to say I wouldn't say it because it took too much effort or too many people would disagree with me.

But I miss doing what I want and not caring what people think.

Sometimes the not-caring-what-people-thing thing can be taken too far in either direction. We need to be sensitive to people but we also can't let others have the run of our lives.

anger

James 1:19-21
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

I usually get angry for two reasons. 1) I am hurt but I cannot show it/don't know how and so I get extremely angry instead. 2) People do something that I think is wrong and I get upset because for some reason I think I should be able to control them... neither of these things are beneficial. The last one might be on some occasions but not to the extreme that I sometimes take it.

So what to do?

My game plan: take more notice of my frequent anger and begin to gain better control over it. Question if what is making me angry is really worth it, or if its even any of my buisness. And about being hurt; find a different, more healthy way to express pain than shutting someone out.

where was i?

"What happened to the girl I fell in love with?" - we both wondered.

Where did I go for three months...? It's strange how you can change and not even know it. But I did know it, at least I felt it in a quiet, sad place... I knew that I was not myself.

I was holding back on my honesty

Constant complaining and negetivity overrides your good parts if you induldge in it

Really caring about people ceased to matter because I didn't make the time

I became a cynical, ugly, unlovely version of myself and I'm not going to stand for it. There is no reason that I should allow myself to become that way. My soul is refreshed everyday in God, there are people who love me even when I am the most unpleasent person imaginable, I am healthy and with all of that I still allowed myself to slip into a pit of selfishness and wallow there.

Its inexcusable and that means I am going to change.

tuesday morning

Today is one of those very strange and far apart days where I actually enjoy being awake in the morning. Usually I am a Night Owl hands down but occasionally there is a morning that just makes me glad to be up and about.

Usually these days come in the fall because it’s so crisp, beautiful and cool that I want to be out and about instead of lying in bed. I would be taking a nap at this time since I didn’t sleep well last night and I don’t have class for another two hours but instead I am sitting here in the caf enjoying a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and writing about it…

I wish I could be sitting at a little sidewalk café, a green tea frappuccino on the wrought-iron table next to my laptop and stack of books, (of course!). Sounds like a lovely way to spend such a beautifully dreary day. It would greatly refresh my soul and spirit.

christmas

I thought it was time that I write about something happy…

Christmas!

Maybe I should be all Christian and write about how much Christmas means to me because Jesus was born… but…. Yeah… no. Sorry.

Personally one reason I love Christmas is because it gives me a strange "back-in-time" feeling. We’ve all celebrated Christmas through the years and it connects all of the time periods that I wish I could have been a part of. There’s the WWII Christmases represented to me by “White Christmas”, “Holiday Inn” and “It’s A Wonderful Life”. The Civil War Christmases brought to me by Louisa May Alcott. And of course, my own fun Christmas memories of having my own twinkle lights in my window, helping dad decorate the house and yard with thousands of lights (yes, we sometimes make Christmas Vacation references), and baking lots of cookies.

This is not the only reason I like Christmas, it's just one side of the dice...

parts of the whole

Time used to be such a precious commodity but now I have too much of it and I don’t know what to do with it…
***
I’ve been reading so much about multiple personality disorders lately that I’ve grown to have an unhealthy wish of having one myself. I use to wonder if I had multiple personalities when I first got to school. I’ve always been a “moody” person and all of my pieces didn’t always fit together so well…

I can't remember most of my life from ages 10-15... it's a very strange feeling. I can only see snapshots of a life.

I still don’t really have an answer.

But I do work on ways to blend myself together into one person. I can’t tell for sure if it’s working, I don't think I’ve never “lost time” (except for that teenage weirdness mentioned above) so I’m pretty sure I don’t have any other personalities. Mine is just… unstable.
***
I find myself standing back at times, watching myself. I don’t always like what I see. Other times I do. I made progress this summer but when I got back to school I let go of everything I’d worked for.

I don’t think school is good for me.

It’s fake. And so I am fake.

I’m trying to find reasons to stay. But the reasons to go are mounting.

But I don’t want to leave.

Because I’m afraid

What is there after school…?

What is the next logical step

very much alone

I put all of my eggs in one basket and now here I am, sitting alone in my room because I didn't stick to the rules I gave myself at the beginning.

back to lists

Five things in my bag/purse

• 12 kinds of chapstick/lipgloss
• digital camera
• iPod
• almonds (my boss swears they are fermented)
• an old straw paper

Five favorite things in my room (here at school):

• laptop
• old cups and vases
• BOOKS
• bamboo sheets
• my scents

Five Things I’m Currently Into:

• Gilmore Girls
• A Fine Frenzy
• blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese
• collecting old glasses and vases
• books about multipule personality disorders

Five Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do:

• write a book
• travel the WORLD
• become a proficient swing dancer
• have a library with a fireplace
• know what to do with the future

no words

what am i doing here?

sick

Everytime I get sick I start reflecting on my life. At first I'm all angry at my body, wondering how it could betray me this way but then I stop to think about what kind of fuel and care I've been giving it.

Late nights, stress, soda instead of water or juice, greasy fries and pizza instead of helpful veggies and fruits... its no wonder my body shuts down sometimes. Not that eating right and sleeping will keep me safe from all illness, but its gotta help! Regular exercise will as well.

So, starting a few days ago I've been trying to take better care of myself. I've only got one body and I'm slowly weakening it as much as any smoker just by feeding it crap and never letting it workout.

Go eat a carrot and run a mile. You may not like it at first, but later on you'll be glad you did.