reflections on a mr. button

Tonight we went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I absolutely loved this movie. It was a beautiful and tragic celebration of life and it made me think about a million different things.

In the movie Benjamin meets many people that are only there for a short time and stand as a snapshot in his life. They are there for a moment but that moment is only captured and sustained through his memories of them. Sitting in the semi-dark theater with good friends on either side of me I began to wonder about my life…

As Benjamin continues through his life he does many and varied things. Meeting people he will love deeply, who leave a lasting impression; and others who were there for a moment but won’t be forgotten. Each of these people helps to shape his story. This is true of myself. The people that I’ve known, interacted with and lived with have helped to shape me into who I am.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have my own identity but am instead a compilation of all the others that I have talked with and who have shared their stories with me.

I sometimes feel like an empty shell that is filled up with the nectar of other people’s lives.

I like doing this because it feels rich and lovely like holding a favorite, old book, battered with love in your hands. But at the same time I am tired of being a holding tank. I want to live life too. I want to have stories and wisdom to share with others, to fill them up and to leave a snapshot of myself behind when I go.

Near the end of the movie Benjamin talks about living a life you will be proud of and having the strength to start over again if you haven’t done that. I can do that.

questioning

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. -Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail

Hmm... the writers must have been reading my journal... or peering into my heart?

another case of feminism gone wrong?

Faint heart never won fair lady.... - Miguel De Cervantes

Why is it that the girls nowadays seem to have all of the courage?

a step back

The timeless truth is ever present
But Mercy buried it with the distance.
Delight did dim and its replacement?
Disappointment, silence grim.

Once girly frills and laughing eyes
Quite content to sit and smile.
Now cold rooms and no good-byes
She tried to sit and sing awhile.

Please tell me what I’ve done! She cried,
Sadly no answer lies within her ear.
There’s nothing you can do, he said
She grew up and slowly disappeared.

old person

Old people can be just as interesting as new people, but in a different way. They are interesting because you can think you know everything about them but you only know as much as they have shared with you.

How many people walk through our lives and we don’t think to ask them more about themselves. Ask them why they like t-shirts vs. button ups. Why they rarely make eye contact. Why their favorite color is pink. What their strangest thought of the day was…

How many people walk through your life and don’t know you?

We spend so much time with the people that we think we know the most, but what if those people are the ones we know the least because we’ve stopped “getting to know” them? Maybe they are lonely. Maybe you are lonely. Maybe we need to take a step back, enjoy being with each other but also dig a little deeper… maybe I should ask again.

Sometimes I get tired of being the one with all the questions. But maybe people don’t ask because they think I tell them everything…?

new person

New people can be very exciting to me. I love my friends and the people that I am close to; but new people are like presents waiting to be unwrapped. They are ripe with the possibility that you may have a shared experience; a love of the same book; the chance of a funny moment to start off your friendship and always remember. Its also the chance to learn so much about someone; about humans.

I love meeting new people who are interested in everything and as interested in you as you are in them. It’s wonderful when everyone feels comfortable and happy to be hanging out. Its one of my favorite things.

to wait

I’m impatient. We are impatient.

I want it now. I don’t want to wait to hear back from you; wait to get somewhere; wait for the weekend. We want everything now.

But is it really that important?

Not so very long ago people waited and were perfectly fine with it because that’s what they had always done. I sometimes feel that if I don’t get the answer now, the information now, solve the problem now then things will not be right. But in most instances waiting will not hurt anything. Sometimes it improves the situation.

I’m learning to slow down and wait. And it’s not the horrible lesson that I thought it would be.

Sometimes I worry that I am too psychologically minded… this may sound stupid, but it causes a lot of problems.

What to do… what to do…

a day at home

Today has been a nice day around the house. I've been baking Christmas cookies, helping babysit a neighbor's adorable baby, knitting and listening to a lovely song about moms.

god of this city

I've been thinking a lot about a possible mission trip to NYC this summer and this song keeps sticking in my head. I love it...

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this
City Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this
City Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

(Just think of all the people...)

out of rope

I’ve never had to ask and trust for anything before. There have always been parents and grandparents to provide things. Food to eat, a lovely home to live in and clothes to wear.

But I’m getting older. I need some stuff and I just can’t get it.

I’ve been stressing and worrying and planning… but there’s nothing I can do. I get frustrated when I can't find a way around things or find a way to fix them. (that's my Bever side coming out - heh)

For the past few weeks I’ve been kind of lamenting the fact that I don’t have to trust God for anything but now I do so I guess this will be a test. He may say “no” and not give me what I think I need but I know that somehow, in some way he will step in and do something. I’m trusting here… and yes, its probably because I’ve already done everything else I could but that’s when trust tends to happen, right? When you’re at the end of your rope...?

the velveteen rabbit

I use to love this story when I was little. Something tonight reminded me of it and so I listened to it again and it was lovely. Give it a listen, or go ahead and read it yourself:

Text: The Velveteen Rabbit

Audio

The Velveteen Rabbit Part 1

The Velveteen Rabbit Part 2

The Velveteen Rabbit Part 3

It's so lovely! Please go enjoy it!

no strings attatched

Being sersious can be a good thing. But when every action and decision has the possibility to become a breeding ground for stress, drama, guilt, perfectionism and strain then I think we've gone too far.

I've always been a very "do it by the rules" kind of person. I tend to get stressed because sometimes I don't know what the rules are. And if I know them I strain so hard to follow them that I trudge through piles of guilt and stress when I fail.

But what if my whole theory is skewed?

Abundant life that Christians are offered to walk in doesn't sound like it includes stress and guilt yet these are the things I struggle with. Has it come down to Christians judging people more harshly than God ever does? I guess we'll see. But I've seen people who follow God yet don't agonize over every choice and they are so much happier and I think make a better impact for God.

I want to be one of those people. So here I go...

problem girl

(This song yes... but I don't get why the bear pictures with it?)

Does it really have to be this big of a deal?

I don’t want to be a problem.

I’m supposed to be your new sister. I already feel like you don’t want me and I’m not even there yet.

I’m sorry, okay.

But honestly, I think you are acting ridiculous.

Thanks so much for giving me such a hearty and warm welcome…