12.28.2008

reflections on a mr. button

Tonight we went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I absolutely loved this movie. It was a beautiful and tragic celebration of life and it made me think about a million different things.

In the movie Benjamin meets many people that are only there for a short time and stand as a snapshot in his life. They are there for a moment but that moment is only captured and sustained through his memories of them. Sitting in the semi-dark theater with good friends on either side of me I began to wonder about my life…

As Benjamin continues through his life he does many and varied things. Meeting people he will love deeply, who leave a lasting impression; and others who were there for a moment but won’t be forgotten. Each of these people helps to shape his story. This is true of myself. The people that I’ve known, interacted with and lived with have helped to shape me into who I am.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have my own identity but am instead a compilation of all the others that I have talked with and who have shared their stories with me.

I sometimes feel like an empty shell that is filled up with the nectar of other people’s lives.

I like doing this because it feels rich and lovely like holding a favorite, old book, battered with love in your hands. But at the same time I am tired of being a holding tank. I want to live life too. I want to have stories and wisdom to share with others, to fill them up and to leave a snapshot of myself behind when I go.

Near the end of the movie Benjamin talks about living a life you will be proud of and having the strength to start over again if you haven’t done that. I can do that.

12.27.2008

questioning

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. -Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail

Hmm... the writers must have been reading my journal... or peering into my heart?

12.25.2008

another case of feminism gone wrong?

Faint heart never won fair lady.... - Miguel De Cervantes

Why is it that the girls nowadays seem to have all of the courage?

12.24.2008

a step back

The timeless truth is ever present
But Mercy buried it with the distance.
Delight did dim and its replacement?
Disappointment, silence grim.

Once girly frills and laughing eyes
Quite content to sit and smile.
Now cold rooms and no good-byes
She tried to sit and sing awhile.

Please tell me what I’ve done! She cried,
Sadly no answer lies within her ear.
There’s nothing you can do, he said
She grew up and slowly disappeared.

12.22.2008

old person

Old people can be just as interesting as new people, but in a different way. They are interesting because you can think you know everything about them but you only know as much as they have shared with you.

How many people walk through our lives and we don’t think to ask them more about themselves. Ask them why they like t-shirts vs. button ups. Why they rarely make eye contact. Why their favorite color is pink. What their strangest thought of the day was…

How many people walk through your life and don’t know you?

We spend so much time with the people that we think we know the most, but what if those people are the ones we know the least because we’ve stopped “getting to know” them? Maybe they are lonely. Maybe you are lonely. Maybe we need to take a step back, enjoy being with each other but also dig a little deeper… maybe I should ask again.

Sometimes I get tired of being the one with all the questions. But maybe people don’t ask because they think I tell them everything…?

12.20.2008

new person

New people can be very exciting to me. I love my friends and the people that I am close to; but new people are like presents waiting to be unwrapped. They are ripe with the possibility that you may have a shared experience; a love of the same book; the chance of a funny moment to start off your friendship and always remember. Its also the chance to learn so much about someone; about humans.

I love meeting new people who are interested in everything and as interested in you as you are in them. It’s wonderful when everyone feels comfortable and happy to be hanging out. Its one of my favorite things.

12.17.2008

to wait

I’m impatient. We are impatient.

I want it now. I don’t want to wait to hear back from you; wait to get somewhere; wait for the weekend. We want everything now.

But is it really that important?

Not so very long ago people waited and were perfectly fine with it because that’s what they had always done. I sometimes feel that if I don’t get the answer now, the information now, solve the problem now then things will not be right. But in most instances waiting will not hurt anything. Sometimes it improves the situation.

I’m learning to slow down and wait. And it’s not the horrible lesson that I thought it would be.
Sometimes I worry that I am too psychologically minded… this may sound stupid, but it causes a lot of problems.

What to do… what to do…

12.15.2008

a day at home

Today has been a nice day around the house. I've been baking Christmas cookies, helping babysit a neighbor's adorable baby, knitting and listening to a lovely song about moms.











12.14.2008

god of this city

I've been thinking a lot about a possible mission trip to NYC this summer and this song keeps sticking in my head. I love it...

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this
City Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this
City Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here


(Just think of all the people...)

12.12.2008

out of rope

I’ve never had to ask and trust for anything before. There have always been parents and grandparents to provide things. Food to eat, a lovely home to live in and clothes to wear.

But I’m getting older. I need some stuff and I just can’t get it.

I’ve been stressing and worrying and planning… but there’s nothing I can do. I get frustrated when I can't find a way around things or find a way to fix them. (that's my Bever side coming out - heh)

For the past few weeks I’ve been kind of lamenting the fact that I don’t have to trust God for anything but now I do so I guess this will be a test. He may say “no” and not give me what I think I need but I know that somehow, in some way he will step in and do something. I’m trusting here… and yes, its probably because I’ve already done everything else I could but that’s when trust tends to happen, right? When you’re at the end of your rope...?

12.10.2008

the velveteen rabbit

I use to love this story when I was little. Something tonight reminded me of it and so I listened to it again and it was lovely. Give it a listen, or go ahead and read it yourself:


Audio

It's so lovely! Please go enjoy it!

12.09.2008

no strings attatched

Being sersious can be a good thing. But when every action and decision has the possibility to become a breeding ground for stress, drama, guilt, perfectionism and strain then I think we've gone too far.

I've always been a very "do it by the rules" kind of person. I tend to get stressed because sometimes I don't know what the rules are. And if I know them I strain so hard to follow them that I trudge through piles of guilt and stress when I fail.

But what if my whole theory is skewed?

Abundant life that Christians are offered to walk in doesn't sound like it includes stress and guilt yet these are the things I struggle with. Has it come down to Christians judging people more harshly than God ever does? I guess we'll see. But I've seen people who follow God yet don't agonize over every choice and they are so much happier and I think make a better impact for God.

I want to be one of those people. So here I go...

12.03.2008

problem girl

(This song yes... but I don't get why the bear pictures with it?)

Does it really have to be this big of a deal?

I don’t want to be a problem.

I’m supposed to be your new sister. I already feel like you don’t want me and I’m not even there yet.

I’m sorry, okay.

But honestly, I think you are acting ridiculous.

Thanks so much for giving me such a hearty and warm welcome…

11.28.2008

good things today

  • Starbucks with my dear, dear MaryAnna
  • $4.40 boots that rock... thrift stores are the best
  • learning how to eat a pomegranate with Alysha
  • (jokingly) signing up for eHarmony and getting a hit within 20 minutes
  • watching Rudolf with the family
  • lovely roses from a sweetheart of a friend
  • blueberry begal with strawberry cream cheese
  • driving alone with music
  • Ahna's artwork

things I discovered in the last 3 hours

I am so sheltered...

My life has been so easy

My life has been so boring

Maybe I'm a good listener because I've got nothing interesting to say

I don't know why I'm a Christian (when asked my mind goes blank)

Why do I believe all this?

What you've been looking for for years can be right in front of you. Literally.

I have no idea how to relate to someone who is not a Christian. That's pathetic.

I'm confused.

Sunday school answers don't cut it in the real world

I have so much to learn.

11.27.2008

Philly

I'm all about new experiences. I like to go new places and experience new things. In the book I'm currently reading, Irresistible Revolution, the author talks a lot about his travels and also his home in Philadelphia called The Simple Way. While reading this book I've gone back and forth between agreeing with him and disagreeing with him. He is very big on peace, love and joy but I wonder if he takes it too far. Maybe my mind is just too narrow because I've never worked to push it beyond the limits of my upbringing, biases and presuppositions.

That's why I would like to visit.

After talking with my parents the other night I've started to think of things to do with my life. I want to write but I'm not sure what to write about. I want to travel, but I'm not sure where to go. The people at The Simple Way community continually invite people to visit them and see what is happening. And I want to go. Not right now but I definitley want to keep it in mind as somewhere to visit and write about once I'm done with school. I've never considered Philly... but I'm kinda excited.

It's 1000 miles away though... Hmm.

11.25.2008

diverged

Safety first, I tell myself lies
Practicality implies
This logic is a pathetic attempt at comfort

In hands my head will rest
There’s such an ache inside my chest
Where can I find the answers for these questions?

Two places I call my own
The hearts that have all become my home
How do I decide which faces to pack?

My peace of mind all but erodes
These are my two diverged roads
Mr. Frost they are both excessively traveled, I feel no difference here

11.24.2008

irresistible revolution

"There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God’s call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose. And they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their first and those of the people they live among. Both lead to emptiness and burnout." -Shane Caliborne

11.23.2008

big brother

Alyssa & Brent
I've always wanted an older brother.

Today I was hanging out with everyone and I realized that if I had an older brother I would want him to be just like Brent!

Brent is the husband of a good friend of mine. He's silly, wise, talented and kind-hearted. He and Alyssa are so lovely together! But I envy my best friend because he is now her brother-in-law! (And one day soon she will also get Curtis too!)

Now I'm wishing I had an older sister so I'd at least have the chance of one day getting an older bro...

11.20.2008

the point

Do you ever have those moments where you're like... umm... pretty sure I missed it.

Not the bus. Not dinner... the Point.

I feel like that's where I'm at. Here I am, in the Bible Belt of the USA, surrounded by the next generation of pastors, youth ministers and Christian counselors and I feel like I have no idea... about any of this.

I know the facts. Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. The Ten Commandments (though I must admit sometimes I like the Charlton Heston version better). Words like wittnessing, redemption, apologetics and salvation are a typical part of my vocabulary. But what's the point?

<---- I'm reading this new book (up there) and its making me think. {Which I love.} It's making me ask myself what I'm doing. I'm dinking around here BS-ing book reports and worrying about drama while some of my friends are actually out there living life and living God and I am envious.

I don't know how.

Some people use the term "spiritual journey" and I feel like thats where I'm at. I'm moving towards something but I'm not there yet. I'm moving towards a better grasp and understanding of what it means to be a Christian. Some times I feel like I get it.

But today; I know that I don't.

I feel like I'm starting at the bottom. My hands are empty and its dark out. You might think that I would be discouraged to be back at the beginning. But no -- its actually quite refreshing.

I feel like I'm allowed to peel away the onion-like skin of dried up arguments, hurtful experiences and continued annoyances with the church/Christianity. I'm looking for what's underneath; the heart of the matter. What DOES a Christian look like? Do? Say?

Don't quote any scripture at me yet, please... Just let me think about it for awhile.

But then you start to think there must be more to Christianity, more than just laying your life and sins at the foot of the cross. I came to realize that preachers were telling me to lay my life at the foot of the cross and weren't giving me anything to pick up. -Shane Claiborne, Irresistible Revolution

humanity: an hors d'oeuvre

I whine and complain about people but you know what, in the end I really do like them. Being here at school I’ve met some very interesting people. Actually, the fact is that I meet interesting people all over the place. Mostly I just love to know their stories…

Rebecca- We have the sweetest lady here at school. She’s caught between being young and looking old. It’s a rough sort of old, the kind that tells you life has been on the harder side. But her spirit has not wrinkled; you can tell by her eyes. She always has a smile and a quiet hello for anyone who is interested enough to catch her eye as they walk by. She and I have never talked over ten minutes at one time but the thought of her makes me smile and appreciate her quiet service day after day cleaning our bathrooms.

Hers is just one story that I like to think about… She got married this past spring to our security guard here at school. They are lovely together. I wish I knew her better.

I could spend my life sitting and listening to people tell me why they are who they are. The best part is, they tell so much of it without using words... and they don't even know!

11.19.2008

lonely

The unthinkable has happened.

In the company of a book I was lonely. (Am lonely)

Maybe it is time for me to go home for good…

11.17.2008

too many hands

On one hand I want to end this part of my life. Pack up at the end and leave without looking back.

On one hand I want to stay here and keep plodding along because this place is safe.

On one hand I think I am supposed to be here.

On one hand I want to go home because I'm weary of all of this.

On one hand I'm afraid of going home and being "trapped" there.

On one hand I want to throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams. But that is impractical.

On one hand I know what I need to do. On the other hand, I am so unsure.

I have all of the questions and none of the answers. Why can't You just be clear?

11.14.2008

spine

I need to grow a spine. Lately I've let myself be pressured and coerced by people. If I didn't want to do something I would do it anyway just so they wouldn't be upset with me. If I had something to say I wouldn't say it because it took too much effort or too many people would disagree with me.

But I miss doing what I want and not caring what people think.

Sometimes the not-caring-what-people-thing thing can be taken too far in either direction. We need to be sensitive to people but we also can't let others have the run of our lives.

11.13.2008

anger

James 1:19-21
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

I usually get angry for two reasons. 1) I am hurt but I cannot show it/don't know how and so I get extremely angry instead. 2) People do something that I think is wrong and I get upset because for some reason I think I should be able to control them... neither of these things are beneficial. The last one might be on some occasions but not to the extreme that I sometimes take it.

So what to do?

My game plan: take more notice of my frequent anger and begin to gain better control over it. Question if what is making me angry is really worth it, or if its even any of my buisness. And about being hurt; find a different, more healthy way to express pain than shutting someone out.

11.12.2008

where was i?

"What happened to the girl I fell in love with?" - we both wondered.

Where did I go for three months...? It's strange how you can change and not even know it. But I did know it, at least I felt it in a quiet, sad place... I knew that I was not myself.

I was holding back on my honesty

Constant complaining and negetivity overrides your good parts if you induldge in it

Really caring about people ceased to matter because I didn't make the time

I became a cynical, ugly, unlovely version of myself and I'm not going to stand for it. There is no reason that I should allow myself to become that way. My soul is refreshed everyday in God, there are people who love me even when I am the most unpleasent person imaginable, I am healthy and with all of that I still allowed myself to slip into a pit of selfishness and wallow there.

Its inexcusable and that means I am going to change.

11.11.2008

tuesday morning

Today is one of those very strange and far apart days where I actually enjoy being awake in the morning. Usually I am a Night Owl hands down but occasionally there is a morning that just makes me glad to be up and about.

Usually these days come in the fall because it’s so crisp, beautiful and cool that I want to be out and about instead of lying in bed. I would be taking a nap at this time since I didn’t sleep well last night and I don’t have class for another two hours but instead I am sitting here in the caf enjoying a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and writing about it…

I wish I could be sitting at a little sidewalk café, a green tea frappuccino on the wrought-iron table next to my laptop and stack of books, (of course!). Sounds like a lovely way to spend such a beautifully dreary day. It would greatly refresh my soul and spirit.


11.10.2008

christmas

I thought it was time that I write about something happy…

Christmas!

Maybe I should be all Christian and write about how much Christmas means to me because Jesus was born… but…. Yeah… no. Sorry.

Personally one reason I love Christmas is because it gives me a strange "back-in-time" feeling. We’ve all celebrated Christmas through the years and it connects all of the time periods that I wish I could have been a part of. There’s the WWII Christmases represented to me by “White Christmas”, “Holiday Inn” and “It’s A Wonderful Life”. The Civil War Christmases brought to me by Louisa May Alcott. And of course, my own fun Christmas memories of having my own twinkle lights in my window, helping dad decorate the house and yard with thousands of lights (yes, we sometimes make Christmas Vacation references), and baking lots of cookies.

This is not the only reason I like Christmas, it's just one side of the dice...

parts of the whole

Time used to be such a precious commodity but now I have too much of it and I don’t know what to do with it…
***
I’ve been reading so much about multiple personality disorders lately that I’ve grown to have an unhealthy wish of having one myself. I use to wonder if I had multiple personalities when I first got to school. I’ve always been a “moody” person and all of my pieces didn’t always fit together so well…

I can't remember most of my life from ages 10-15... it's a very strange feeling. I can only see snapshots of a life.

I still don’t really have an answer.

But I do work on ways to blend myself together into one person. I can’t tell for sure if it’s working, I don't think I’ve never “lost time” (except for that teenage weirdness mentioned above) so I’m pretty sure I don’t have any other personalities. Mine is just… unstable.
***
I find myself standing back at times, watching myself. I don’t always like what I see. Other times I do. I made progress this summer but when I got back to school I let go of everything I’d worked for.

I don’t think school is good for me.

It’s fake. And so I am fake.

I’m trying to find reasons to stay. But the reasons to go are mounting.

But I don’t want to leave.

Because I’m afraid

What is there after school…?

What is the next logical step

11.08.2008

very much alone

I put all of my eggs in one basket and now here I am, sitting alone in my room because I didn't stick to the rules I gave myself at the beginning.

11.07.2008

back to lists

Five things in my bag/purse

  • 12 kinds of chapstick/lipgloss
  • digital camera
  • iPod
  • almonds (my boss swears they are fermented)
  • an old straw paper

Five favorite things in my room (here at school):

  • laptop
  • old cups and vases
  • BOOKS
  • bamboo sheets
  • my scents

Five Things I’m Currently Into:

  • Gilmore Girls
  • A Fine Frenzy
  • blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese
  • collecting old glasses and vases
  • books about multipule personality disorders


Five Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do:

  • write a book
  • travel the WORLD
  • become a proficient swing dancer
  • have a library with a fireplace
  • know what to do with the future

11.06.2008

no words









11.03.2008

what am i doing here?

sick

Everytime I get sick I start reflecting on my life. At first I'm all angry at my body, wondering how it could betray me this way but then I stop to think about what kind of fuel and care I've been giving it.

Late nights, stress, soda instead of water or juice, greasy fries and pizza instead of helpful veggies and fruits... its no wonder my body shuts down sometimes. Not that eating right and sleeping will keep me safe from all illness, but its gotta help! Regular exercise will as well.

So, starting a few days ago I've been trying to take better care of myself. I've only got one body and I'm slowly weakening it as much as any smoker just by feeding it crap and never letting it workout.

Go eat a carrot and run a mile. You may not like it at first, but later on you'll be glad you did.

10.29.2008

runaway : give up

When I come up against problems that I don't know how to solve my first impulse is to runaway. My simultanious impulse is to give up.

I've been afraid of this my whole life.

Afraid that I'm a quitter; that I manipulate excuses so I can give up when the going gets tough. I've started to make myself stick things out, stay when its hard. That's why I'm still at school. That's why I finally held down a job this summer... and its been good for me.

But now I'm afraid that I've gone too far and won't give up when I need to.

Am I clinging to this because its the "right" thing to do? It doesn't feel healthy, I am hurting... and covering it with anger - as usual. Is this a form of "abuse"? Or is that too harsh a word?

...

Side note: I am tired of doing all of this work with my head. I want to use my hands for something. A sewing project, photography, painting... whatever. I got to paint last week and it was so good for my soul. I think we all need a creative outlet now and then. Whether its writing, making music or pottery. There's something in us, at least in me, that NEEDS to make something beautiful from time to time. Do it.

10.28.2008

to forgive

Forgiving is rather selfish

There’s something about forgiving someone that really makes you feel better. You’ve been stewing, harboring anger, hurt and poison inside wishing that there was a way to inject the other person with your hurt. But you step back, acknowledge the hurt and decide to move on and forgive them for the tiny mistake that they made.

Especially after all that you’ve done and all of the things that God, and other people have forgiven you for…

You have been wronged and yet you feel so humble to be forgiving them. “Forgiving” is such a big, heavy word. It seems like such a big thing to do. Like the word should be saved for murderers and politicians (heh) instead of for small offences that sting. But in the end it’s all the same. You still have to forgive.

I forgive you. I love you.

THIS is not worth Us.

10.27.2008

on my mind

I actually have a little bit of time right now to write but there is nothing predominately on my mind. That makes me sad. At home I always have ideas, discussions or something artistic going on inside of my head. But here it's like there's too much in there to extract any single concept for consideration. It's exhausting really.

I've found that I tend to define myself based on what I am thinking or mulling over, so who am I when my mind is too full to think? Hmm...

10.17.2008

introvert

So I'm here in Dallas, Texas for a meeting of the America Association of Christian Counselors this weekend. First of all, I love Dallas but I'm really sad that we can't wander more and look around.

Secondly, I am going crazy. I am an introverted person; this means that I recharge by being alone. Alone as in AWAY from other PEOPLE. Trying to get away alone is nearly impossible. A six hour trip in a van with 9 other people, sharing a hotel room with three other girls, spending all day with hundreds of people in rooms at the Hilton... my only escape so far as been the bathroom. Sometimes I seriously run in there and just lean against the wall and breathe to try and get some balance.

I never realized how inconvenient being introverted really is. You lucky extroverts can usually find people to be with anywhere and at any time but for us introverts it can be so hard to get away...

I know that I need time alone because today I have been cranky, angry, annoyed, sad, upset and feeling sick. I also feel really trapped. This is how I feel when I cannot get some time alone.

Praise the Lord, I was able to hang out for a teeny tiny bit alone in the room and write this post. But the girls are back from swimming now *sigh* so I'll end this because my mind just exploded again.

10.14.2008

now

This past weekend has been such a refreshment. To be at home, outside of the Ozark bubble, back in the real world. No where in the real world is there a caf that you all gather at. No where is there a student center where you check your mail and hang out. College is fake life.

Fake life won't help you live in the real world.

What is the real world? You may be wondering. To me, the real world is a job, friends from all around, not just your campus, getting involved with church (because at school you don't have time!), growing friendships gradually instead of being thrown together and pretending you are so close.

I've also seen how pointless my life is lately. Hanging out with Patrick and my other friends is great but what am I DOING? Who am I helping? I go to youth group twice a week but is anything getting accomplished? I need to step it up.

They talked about missions and stuff in chapel today and it inspired me. I am inspired to get up and get moving again. I came to school this year with passion, happiness, love... and now I'm bitter, complaining and weary. This is not abundant life. There are people out there suffering and I am whining about living in a dorm and having tons of food and clothing... it's time to change. I'm not sure how, but I know when; NOW.

10.06.2008

trust

So, writing is my addiction, once I start its hard to stop…

I have never seen myself as someone who has “trust issues”. But we’re most blind to faults in ourselves right? It’s a lot easier to see the faults in other people.

I assume that trusting is something that I am good at, but I’m wrong. I don’t like to trust because that means giving up control. I have come to realize that having control is a big thing to me. I want to be the one picking the restaurant; I want to be the one driving so I can leave when I want to; I want to spend my money as I see fit; I want to be in charge of pretty much everything.

Part of this desire for control may be attributed to the fact that I am a first born and have always been a leader for my siblings. And I think it may also just be part of my personality type. Those things are fine but when it comes down to taking control instead of trusting God, I’ve got problems.

Some major changes are coming along and instead of giving them to God my first impulse is to try and solve them, to try and change them to how I think they should be. I have grown up thinking, “If I can just find the right formula or the perfect solution, then I can fix the problem!” and sometimes that works but other times, I cannot fix it. And oddly enough, at those times I feel like I have failed.

Today I woke up with the realization that I don’t lean on God like I should. If I am sad I take it to other people instead of God. Its easier for me because they are THERE. I can see them, touch them, hear them… but maybe I could “feel” God more if I spent more time with Him and learned to recognize Him just like seeing my friends across campus.

I don’t know… let’s chalk this post up to mid-morning ramblings… there’s really no conclusion yet

10.05.2008

a moment of rest

So I’ve got some down time… the school library is closed, my man is at work and my roommate and I are at Starbucks. I love coffeehouses! The ambience isn’t the only part I enjoy, especially around here where I see fellow Ozark students wherever I go. Its been cool to sit here and observe life as the people flow in and out with cups filled with various concoctions.

Being here makes me happy. Its slow, its artistic, its an aspect of life that I love in slow motion.

I miss being able to do stuff like this whenever I want. I miss the freedom of having a car to be able to take off and get a group together or just go somewhere alone. I never realized how blessed I was at home to have access to the family cars pretty much whenever I wanted.


So I got interrupted because, true to coffeehouse form, a friend walked in, sat down and we struck up a conversation. I don’t want this to be just another complaining entry but I want to voice how sad it makes me that we have so little time to get to know those around us. With juggling classes, then loads of homework, jobs, sleep (when we can!) and significant others it gets harder and harder to build deep relationships with the wonderful people around you. If you're not careful they are "just those people I eat lunch with" or "Those guys I had a class with Freshman year"...

I’ve really missed that deepness this week. I want to sit down and debate or discuss a subject that has a deeper impact on life than the lunch menu for that week in the caf. I want to call my best friend and talk the night away like we use to do. To drive down the highway headed towards the home of a friend where we can bake cookies together and enjoy the smell of almond flavoring together. (Its amazing! You should smell it).

But over all I have missed this. This part of my life that helps me feel full and whole, or organize my thoughts and to express the things that fester inside of me. This beautiful world where words rule and I can ramble about things that I care about. I love to write.

I also miss God. But I have to leave Starbucks now. So I’ll finish this thought the next time I can… hopefully that time will come soon.

9.21.2008

homesick? or heartsick?

Every semester I just keep wondering if college is really for me. I love being with the people and learning new things but its just too much…

Everything is too fast, too loud, too funny, too serious…

You would think I’d feel more in control at school, away from authorities, making my own decisions. But I feel like I have less control here than anywhere else. And I’m going absolutely crazy. My skin is crawling with the urge to get out.

I went to a good friend’s house last night and it was wonderful. Relaxing and homey. A space of her own. I miss that. Right now I would give just about anything to get out of here and back to the real world. I always start out liking it here but then I slowly realize that I don’t think this is for me.

I wish God would show me what to do. I am so lost. He is not far from me, but he is so quiet. I see in other people’s lives how things are opening up for them and opportunities arise… I’m waiting for that while trying to be proactive but there is nothing.

I am three months away from my 21st birthday and I feel like I am wasting my life…

9.17.2008

ache

I really miss writing… it’s like I’ve been holding my breath for a long while. Maybe someday soon I’ll have time to produce something of at least a little substance…

9.13.2008

personality test

Beaver
You scored 50% Otter, 53% Lion, 78% Beaver, and 47% Golden Retriever!

"How was that done in the past?"

You're a beaver. Beavers tend to be intellectually busy, always questioning why things are the way they are, and how stuff works. You think logically, and tend to be less emotional. You may be very organized, putting things where you know you'll be able to find them later, or use an "inner filing system" to record experiences. Beavers like to take things apart... and take people apart as well, making them some of the toughest critics. They set high standards for others, and themselves.

In relationships, beavers are advised to avoid the spontaneous, risk taking otter. They don't always understand each other very well. Instead, they are advised to pair up with a laid back Golden Retriever or an adventurous Lion.

Check out which personality type you are: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-animal-personality-test

9.11.2008

so there's this boy...

He’s sweet; focused on God; makes me laugh; dances with me and LIKES it; puts up with my randomness; isn’t afraid to call me out on stuff and set me straight; doesn’t make me listen to ‘80’s music in his car (yet); makes me smile just by seeing him across the room; walks me to class or up to my dorm; sits with me even if we don’t have anything to say; amazes me with his musical talents; says cheesy things to me, but they aren’t cheesy because I know he means it; a hard worker; a practical joker; passionate about what he wants to do for God; nerd – he revived the one in me too; there’s more… but I think you should probably just meet him. You’ll like him… I do. He's my boyfriend. :-D

9.08.2008

no thief

I am continually amazed at how well Relient K songs describe my life... sometimes it's uncanny. Of course, I suppose music is supposed to speak to us and identify with our lives... otherwise, we wouldn't be so attatched to it.

only when i'm breathing

You know that whole thing where you tell God you will never do this, you will never do that, and then you end up right where you said you'd never be?

I said for 6 years that I would never go to college...
I am currently living and attending classes at Ozark Christian College.

I said I would never do youth ministry again...
My only ministry in Joplin so far as been in a youth group (and I love it!).

I said that this would be my last year of college and then I was heading to Europe...
I finally listened to God and now I am finally open to His direction, Europe now or Europe later. (I know I WILL get there someday.)

Sometimes I wonder if I've deluded myself all these years - about many things - and my life will end up looking NOTHING like I've always thought it would. You know what, if it happens, I think I might be okay with it...

I keep lists, so many lists, and I hold them up as the guidlines as to what I should accomplish in my life. But the past week or so has seriously made me take a look at my lists and think again. You cannot condense the life you haven't lived yet into a list. Maybe it's time to rip them all up and start to live for real. Reality cannot be plotted out in a list.

I think I need to let go of control. Learn to be kinder, more vulnerable, more real. Living is not surviving, it's LIFE.

Now I am here wondering what else have I denied that will come back to me?

Life has never gone according to my plans... you would think that after 20 years I would have learned something... right? I hope I am finally learning this once and for all, because I'm weary and I can't take much more of this!

9.07.2008

God... where are you?

Why can't I do anything right...?

I can't hear you.

I need you.

Help me.

Please.

I don't want to be me anymore.

9.04.2008

community

Community and I have a love/hate relationship.

I hate living in a close knit community because you’re with the same people all the time and it can become stifling if you cannot get away (because you don’t have a car or whatnot). But on the other hand, I love living in a community because those people that are always around become your closest friends, and even a part of your family sometimes. When you’re hurting you don’t have to be alone you just have to be brave enough to reach out. When you’re confused about something you just have to walk to the next room or across campus and sit down and talk with someone. When you want to laugh and have fun you just grab a few people and go…

I want to focus on the love part today. I’ve been making an effort for the past 7 weeks or so to be more positive. It’s going well and perhaps that why God is enabling me to usually see the silver lining on everything…

Anyway, lately I feel like God has been telling me to get all I can out of being here. Not just out of the people but out of the school work too. I’m exerting effort to have a better attitude towards my school work this semester, since that’s the reason that I am actually here.

Today I have that strange feeling that at any moment someone might pull the rug right out from under me; it wouldn’t be too surprising since God likes to do that but it’s making me a little anxious because I like to know what’s coming. So yeah, I’m trying to soak up all I can from the people around me and the information that I am steeped in daily.

That’s just a tiny update on my life for ya’ll… whoever reads this, I don’t actually know…

8.31.2008

robin hood

So I have this crazy addiction to Disney's animated version of Robin Hood - yeah, the one with the fox - and this song was in my head and I just love it so I wanted to post it because it's short, sweet and I like it a lot. (It's from the movie, if you didn't catch that fact)

Love
It seems like only yesterday
You were just a child at play
Now you're all grown up inside of me
Oh, how fast those moments flee


Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on


Love will live
Love will last
Love goes on and on and on


Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on

8.28.2008

a lucky man... ?

For my hermeneutics class I am reading a book called “Reading the Bible with Heart and Mind” by Tremper Longman III and today while I was reading I ran across a story I really liked:

***

This gentleman has a farm. He loves the old-fashioned way of doing things, so he doesn’t have any mechanical equipment and plows his fields with a horse. One day as he was plowing his field, the horse dropped dead. Everyone in the village said, “Gee, what an awful thing to happen.” He just responded, “We’ll see.” He was so at peace and so calm that we all got together and, because we admired his attitude so much, gave him a new horse as a gift. Then everyone’s reaction was, “What a lucky man.” And he said, “We’ll see.” A few days later the horse, being strange to his farm jumped a fence and ran off, and everyone said “Oh, poor fellow.” He said, “We’ll see.” A week later the horse returned with a dozen wild horses following it. Everyone said, “What a lucky man.” And he said, “We’ll see.” The next day his son went out riding, because now they had more than one horse, but the boy fell off the horse and broke his leg. Everyone said, “Oh, poor boy,” but my friend said, “We’ll see.” The next day the army came to town taking all the young men for service, but they left his son because of his broken leg. Everyone said, “What a lucky kid,” and my friend said, “We’ll see.”

***

The thing that strikes me so much about this story is the fact that each incident was not The End for this man. He knew that other things would happen, that life would keep going on. Personally, I have a problem sometimes seeing past the moment; if something bad happens it’s the end of the world to me, if something good happens I feel like nothing bad will happen again. It’s strange. So I like this story because it reminds me that good or bad will come but life will always go on and God will always be in control.

8.27.2008

Problem: down day

Solution: do something for someone else

Problem solved!

8.26.2008

on edge

Sometimes I forget how tiring it can be to just live. I haven’t had more than a teeny slice of time to myself for a week(ish) and I’m already going crazy.

How is it that I know what I need to do, but I just don’t do it?

I need to go off and just spend some time alone outdoors but I just can’t seem to get to it. There’s always a group going here, or a project I need to work on, a moment with friends that I wouldn’t miss for the world… with all of that happening, where is my sanity suppose to fit in?

I love school, but I miss solitude. But I MUST take that time because my insides are like spaghetti in a pot, all entwined and threatening to boil over at any moment.

I don’t like who I’ve become lately. I’m sarcastic, kinda mean, prideful, opinionated… I want to try to be something else. I want to be firm, gentle, kind, sweet… I just don’t know anymore. Sometimes I’m just at a loss and that’s when I’m glad everything doesn’t rest on me. Thanks for being in charge God, I keep trying to handle everything but I know that it’s your job and I can’t do it no matter how hard I try. And deep down… I don’t really want to do it.

8.22.2008

story time

There are these Freshman on my floor who are awesome. The other night I was hanging out with them and they were talking about Story Time, I asked them what that was. Apparently, these four girls bonded during orientation and they felt like they’d known each other for years but then they realized that they actually didn’t know much about each other at all. So their idea was to have a Story Time every couple of nights where they each take turns telling the story of their life to the others. I thought this was incredible. They asked me to join them and I jumped right in.

Something I love to do is find out why people do what they do and why they are who they are. That’s probably why I am a psych major. So I now have the opportunity to get to know these girls, my friends, better and to tell them the story of my life and why I am me and how God has changed me. I’m so excited. If you ever get the chance, ask people to tell you their story.

8.20.2008

grow up

Today in class one of my wonderful professors was telling a silly story about his wife. He said that they were married when he was 19 and she was 18. He jokingly said that the first two years of marriage were great but when she turned 20 she suddenly grew an opinion. At first we all laughed because we knew he was being silly but then I thought about it a little more…
When I turned 20 I slowly began to realize and become aware of more things and I dare say that I formed many opinions that I had never had before. I am by no means a “grown up” at 20 but I like to think that I am closer than I was at 18.

Frustration with college/high school dating…

So here’s the thing; people meet… they date… they decide they want to get married… when they are freshmen in college. How dumb is that? Really. It’s not the fact that they may be immature, financially unstable or whatever that gets to me (though those factors contribute). It’s the fact that at 18, 19, even 20; you are not who you will be. You will change, morph and reemerge as someone not completely different, but significantly changed. Especially as you go through college, travel experiences and the ups and downs of meeting new people and forming attachments.
Why do people think that they, and others, will be the same forever? We all change, each day. One day you may think that eating meat is fine; the next day you may read a book that changes your life and you choose to be a vegetarian, (true story of one of my friends). Someone you knew long ago may have been a terrible person who lied to you, stabbed you in the back and then spread rumors about you; but three years later, they may have changed their ways because of this or that.

If we forget to look at people as ever changing persons then I think we’ll be left behind holding on to a lot of hurts, prejudices and assumptions.

8.19.2008

booklist

There's a lot cooking in my brain right now but I'm still thinking on it, so instead of posting about that I decided to post the list of books I read this summer. Each one contributed a bit to my life, some more than others and I didn't enjoy them all but I am so glad that I was able to read them. The school year started again today and syllabus shock is setting in. I am realizing that I am not going to be able to read many, if any, books for fun this semester. But I am okay with that because I knew it was coming. That's why I tried to cram as many books into the summer as I could.

Tell Me, Pretty Maiden –Ryhs Bowen
My Antonia – Willa Cather
Twilight – Stephenie Meyer
In Dublin’s Fair City –Rhys Bowen
New Moon – Stephenie Meyer
Eclipse –Stephenie Meyer
Alice Adams – Boot Tarkington
Ethan Frome – Edith Wharton
Naked Once More – Elizabeth Peters
The Hound of the Baskervilles – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Utopia – Thomas More
Emma – Jane Austen
The Host – Stephenie Meyer
Savage Beauty –Nancy Milford
Persuasion – Jane Austen
Why We’re Not Emergent – Kevin DeYoung & Ted Kluck
Writing about Your Life – William Zinsser
Jane Austen – Carol Shields
The Last Lecture – Randy Pausch
Switching Time – Richard Baer

8.13.2008

how you know

When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you.

That lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.

-Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

8.09.2008

celebration

I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot this past week… it might surprise those of you that know I am a romantic to know that I am not one of those girls who has their entire wedding planned out and is just waiting for a name and a face to show up. Nope. My “wedding canvas” is pretty much blank except for a few basic ideas and must-haves; not wearing those prisons called “shoes” for example. I think I am just too practical to plan out my wedding, I know myself, and I change a lot. If I liked pink and green one day, the next it would be orange, red and yellow… so for now, my wedding canvas is a blank. And I like it that way.

But the wedding I have been thinking of lately is the wedding of two dear people whom I love, respect and admire. (I never say that of anyone lightly-there are actually very few people I would even say that of). They have been together for two and a half years or so and they have finally come to the point of marriage. It’s been a beautiful road, but not in the way most people think of “beautiful”. These two have given of themselves to help each other, they’ve laid aside the things they wanted the most (they were actually suppose to get married a year ago – long story there), they have heeded advice, grown more than I had ever hoped or dreamed and now because of hard work, perseverance and the true meaning of the word LOVE they are to be joined this evening; for the rest of their lives. And I can truly say that I have never been happier for anyone, ever.

I didn’t know that you could be happy like this for other people. It’s such a strange feeling. There are so many relationships I look at and can see right through because of all of the holes. But these two, they’ve taken the holes and knit them all closed with God and with the help of others. They’ve made this beautiful story that is their own, and tonight we will celebrate.

Yesterday I realized the simple truth, perhaps obvious to everyone else, that when we celebrate together we are saying “this is good”, “this is right”, “I am GLAD to be a part of this, so glad that I just want to gather together and rejoice for these two people who followed God and worked at love”. It’s such a strange custom, but one that is unique. I would say it’s uniquely human, but that would be wrong. It’s uniquely God because He is the one that invented marriage and celebration.

I hate going to weddings where everything feels wrong, this will be such an amazing chance to have it all feel right. I cannot write words to express right now how much joy I feel. It’s metaphysical.

8.06.2008

biography addict

Geneology of a reader: I use to read strickly fiction. Then I went on a self-help kick and learned a lot about psychology. Recently I realized, I love people, I always want to hear their stories, know how they became who they are and why they do what they do... so why not read biographies? Biographies are a combination of two things I love; Books & Life. I've read three biographies in the past month and I love them.

There are so many interesting stories of REAL life out there. Lives that have been LIVED, not fabricated. I'm beginning to wonder if we even need fiction? I guess it's a personal preference sort of thing. If you told me last year that I would eventually read biographies for fun I would have said, "yeah right", but here I am.

8.03.2008

alive... but a little sickly

Tonight we were in a grocery store and I was coming down an isle and saw my mom drop a tub of butter. Her arms were full of other things but she still leaned down to retrieve the butter. Before she could get far in her attempts the young man in line behind her quickly stooped down, grabbed the butter and handed it to her. I was quite struck by this little act of kindness and courtesy… I believe it use to be called chivalry if a man did something for a lady. This little scene will probably be burned in my mind for a long while… He didn't know my mom, he wasn't trying to impress anyone, he was just being a gentleman. I was pretty impressed.

People say chivalry is dead (mostly the feminists -- who ironically where the ones that put it to death…) but I disagree! Chivalry is NOT dead, it is merely sick. And I think it’s up to us girls that still want it around to nurse it back to health. The healing balm, (or one of them?) is to start expecting more from guys! They are not mindless, knuckle dragging video-game addicts… but they will be if that’s how you treat them. Everyone wants standards to live up to but if there are no standards then where can guys really be men? *Am reminded of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge*

No matter how many of chivalry’s graves walk by you when you’re struggling to open a door or to carry a load somewhere, chivalry is not dead. I saw proof tonight.

8.01.2008

vietnam

In one of the books I am reading I came across this poem, written by a Vietnamese soldier named Duong Tuong who visited the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C. He wrote it and left it there at the wall. It is beautiful and inspirational about love for one's enemies.

At The Vietnam Wall
because i never knew you
nor did you me
i come
.
because you left behind mother,
father an betrothed
and i wife and children
i come
.
because love is stronger than enmity
and can bridge oceans
i come
.
because you never return
and i do
i come

7.30.2008

"emerging" opinion

The Emergent Church – Perhaps you’ve heard that phrase thrown around your Bible College, the foyer of your church, on radio talk shows or you may have no idea what I’m talking about because you’ve never heard of it before. That’s okay, neither had I until a few months ago when one of my professors briefly vented about the evils of the Emergent church. I’m pretty sure no one in class knew what he was talking about, most were probably still half asleep – I think I was...

Fast forward a few months to last week...

Mom tells me dad is reading a new book, I see it on the coffee table and it looks cool so I ask him about it. (Yeah, yeah, you should never judge a book by its cover, I know. But I have a terrible habit of picking up books that look cool and then reading them just because I like how they look. Oddly enough, many of them turn out to be marriage books…I’m not married??) Dad and I start talking about this book and he tells me a little about it and so I decide to steal it from him and read it myself.


What IS the Emergent church? What is the church emerging from? I’ve not found this stated anywhere specifically but I assume that this generation is moving from the traditional church and emerging into something new and different. That’s what the emergent church is all about. In Why We’re Not Emergent by Kevin DeYoung and Ted Kluck they have a list of things that might let you know if you are emergently minded or not. For example;

“If you listen to U2, Moby or Johnny Cash’s Hurt (sometimes in church), use sermon illustrations from The Sopranos, drink lattes in the afternoon and Guinness in the evenings, and always use a Mac; if your idea of quintessential Christian discipleship is Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, or Desmond Tutu; if you don’t like George W. Bush or institutions or big business or capitalism or Left Behind Christianity; if your political concerns are poverty, AIDS, imperialism, war-mongering, CEO salaries, consumerism, global warming, racism, and oppression and not so much abortion and gay marriage; if you believe who goes to hell is no one’s business and no one may be there anyway; if you are into bohemian, goth, rave, or indie; if you love the Bible as a beautiful, inspiring collection of works that lead us into the mystery of God but is not inerrant; if you support women in all levels of ministry, prioritize urban over suburban, and like your theology narrative instead of systematic; if you’ve ever been to a church with prayer labyrinths, candles, Play-Doh, chalk-drawings, couches or beanbags (your youth group doesn’t count); if you loathe words like linear, propositional, rational, machine, and hierarchy and use words like ancient-future, jazz, mosaic, matrix, missional, vintage, and dance; if you grew up in a very conservative Christian home that in retrospect seems legalistic, naïve, and rigid; if you want to be the church and not just go to the church; if you believe that doctrine gets in the way of an interactive relationship with Jesus – if all or most of this torturously long sentence describes you, then you might be an emergent Christian.”

(And I edited that list; it’s actually about two and a half pages long.)

I was surprised to find that a lot of things in their long list did apply to me. I didn’t know I was leaning toward the emergent bent, but apparently I am. Then I kept reading….

I did not much enjoy reading the chapters written by Pastor Kevin DeYoung as they read more like a Bible College text book; chocked full of big words with simple meanings and quotations from dead reformists. (There are more endnotes for just ONE of his chapters than for one of my term papers). In fact, even with one year of Bible College under my belt, I had a hard time understanding or deriving a direct meaning from his chapters. I agree with some of the foundational things that DeYoung has to say but it was hard to retain much respect for him, or even any interest, due to his content and constant belittling, and mockery of the emergent church, (this after stating he didn’t want to bash his Christian brothers) and many shaky quotations of Rob Bell (a favorite author of mine).

That was my first impression…. But as I kept reading and slowly let go of my biases and prejudice against a man I had predetermined not to like, I discovered that DeYoung is just like me, willing to stand up and fight/defend what he believes is the TRUTH. He doesn’t believe that the Emergent church has the Truth, and I think he may be right.

Ted Kluck’s chapters were more enjoyable and easier to understand. He writes like a blogger which is something this generation has become comfortable with. I personally like that style best in non-fiction books because it’s more like talking with the person.

Again, what IS the Emergent church? According to this book it’s a movement that the leaders-who-don’t-want-to-be-known-as-leaders, call a “conversation”. They say that they are redefining how they “do church” and everyone is welcome to contribute to the conversation about how it should be done. In reality there’s a lot of soft squishiness about the movement and not much that’s solid and easily grabbed on to. But they do have some really good ideas.
The Emergent church wants to move away from the traditional but while doing so they seem to focus more on shock value and self-help theology than anything else. I believe that they are right in realizing that many churches today are not meeting the needs of people (Christian’s are some of the most miserable people I’ve met), and this fact is reinforced by how quickly people are flocking to places like Mosaic church in LA and Rob Bell’s own Mars Hill in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Personally I like the whole lets-redo-church idea and I tend to lean towards the Emergent ideals of more love, color, change, creativity, refreshing, difference and celebration but if gaining those things goes hand in hand with kicking out doctrinal truths like the evils of abortion, the wrongs of homosexual orientation, the blurring of lines between truth and feeling… if it’s all about a spiritual journey and not the ultimate destination then the Emergent church is not something that I want to support.

As with most things in life, I believe it all comes down to motives. Are people running to the Emergent churches because they are angry, hurt or bored with their former congregations? Or are they going there because they see new ways to reach people that weren’t effectively reached before? Or are they just more entertained?

One of my biggest concerns now is how many people may wander to the Emergent church because their own church is too stuck in a rut, stuck in the past, or stuck on tradition to see that there ARE things that could be different, changes that could be made. There’s a lot of cool stuff out there and the Emergent church has discovered and embraced that. While they might have thrown away absolute truth (since they may never find it if they keep taking these life-long journeys towards finding it when they aren’t sure if it even exists), they do have some things right. Things like unconditional love and acceptance. But the thing about love is - if you love someone you can accept them, but if you really love them, then you love them too much to let them stay in their sin. I hope that people would love me that much. God did.

This is where another problem comes is, Freedom in Christ is something the Emergent church is big on. They claim their freedom to do what they want because they are set free by Jesus. That’s a wonderful idea but not when you run wild with it. I am not opposed to alcoholic beverages consumed responsibly (as in; you are of age, you don’t get drunk, you don’t drink and drive… etc.) and smoking is not a sin, just a really bad idea. But when your church movement is known for coolness, beer, espresso, cigarettes, ambiguity, tolerance, experience and love… you have to wonder if it’s a good idea. Or if it’s just a remake of the 1970’s.

My good friend Jack, with whom I mainly discuss philosophical aspects of life, books and Christianity, told me that he thinks this emergent church trend will die off in twenty years or so. I believe that I highly agree with him. Can something so insubstantial last very long? If it does disappear, I hope that we hold on to the best of it. That we learn from it and incorporate the best of its parts into some of our dying churches that cling to hellfire and brimstone, strict hymnal usage and the unwritten no-jeans in church rule.

In conclusion, I’ve begun to wonder if the Emergent church is this generation’s rebellion disguised as deeper spirituality. As was mentioned in the long list of you-might-be-emergent-if, many of us grew up in very conservative Christian homes and once we got to college or out in the world those beginnings seemed legalistic, naïve, and rigid to us. Is this our way of trying to provide a different beginning for our kids? Our friends? Ourselves…? But at what cost? You may think it’s overdramatic but how many people will go to hell because we (or the Emergent church) told them that sin doesn’t matter, it’s all about being who you are and living a good life. It seems to me that the Emergent church’s biggest message is “if you just live well, trying to be like Jesus, then you’ll probably make it to heaven.” When was the “if you’re a good enough person God will love you enough to let you into heaven” message EVER an accepted form of evangelism??? And show me where it’s advocated in the Bible.

I love the friends I have whom I believe are involved with the Emergent church, I also love Rob Bell’s books and Donald Miller. These are creative, innovative people with a dream they are trying to make into a lifestyle. But Truth has to fit in there somewhere. You cannot just float along in life on a cloud, drifting from one spiritual “experience” to another. There comes a time when you have to look around and see if your “experiences” and “journeys” are really getting you anywhere. Or, are you still in the same place you’ve always been? Kluck makes a good point in one of his chapters about the difference between experience and fruit. You can have as many spiritual experiences as you want, there’s nothing wrong with that, but if there is no fruit in your life, in my life, then there is no point. And we’ve been told that trees that bear no fruit will be cut down and burned.

In the Epilogue the author states: “I realized a number of years ago that it didn’t matter if I was against all the things I should be against, if I wasn’t for anything.” I love that statement because I have recently come to the same conclusion. I can rant about communion, proclaim my freedom in Christ to do what I want and I can sit in church and make sarcastic comments about every point of the service. But if I’m not FOR anything, then what is the point of my existence? The other day I wondered what had happened to my passion, the kind of passion that drives your life. I realized that it was gone and I’d replaced it with this second-rate kind of life where I wondered around with no purpose but just generally had a good time. I’m tired of that. I’m not suddenly going to get involved with three youth groups, volunteer at soup kitchens every weekend and spend all night studying the Bible, (That’s just too radical for me; plus, I’ve tried that, it’s like the other extreme. Extremes are not always good.), but I want to change. I want to combine who I am, who I was and who I should be all into one. It’s a life long process but I don’t need to wait to start it, I can start now. And it has a destination at the end of the journey; Christ-likeness.

Other than reading this book and a few others by Emergent leaders, I’ve only talked with my Dad and Jack about the emergent church. I’d like to hear what you think/know. I may be wrong about some of this, but as I stated above, it’s just my opinion. Opinions should be subject to change if better and truer information is presented.

So, let me know… what do you think? And what do you know?

7.29.2008

cantaloupes and such

I tasted the nectar stuff you can buy for humming birds today, it was pretty good. I am now wondering how it would taste as an ice cream topping…?

I had to write down the code for cantaloupes on my hand today and every time I happened to noticed it, it made me think of the numbers tattooed on the arms of Nazi prisoners in WWII. (I am a prisoner of Wal-Mart… sort of.)

A kid at work offered me pizza on a bagel. I said no thanks… now I kinda wish I had tried it.

I’ve been keeping an eye on this HUGE mushroom that’s been growing in our yard, I wouldn’t let anyone cut it or squish it because I wanted to see how big it would get. Today I noticed that it seems to have collapsed upon it’s self. I was sad because I wanted it to get even HUGER.

Today I found the root reason that women’s intelligence is slowly melting away and they have nothing of interest to contribute to a conversation… during breaks at work I’ve noticed that over half of the people that bring books to read are reading those trashy romance novels! Yeah, the ones with the half-naked guy on the front with his hair blowing around like Fabio… oh my gosh. How can you insult your own intelligence by reading such garbage???

Sometimes when I get bored working the cigarette lane I print out blank receipt paper and write poems on it. Pretty sure I am NOT supposed to do that.

7.27.2008

day to day

Today was really sad because my youth group went going off to CIY and I want to go with them more than I’ve wanted to do anything in a long, long time. I sat through the campfire last night, the CIY memories, the jokes; I even got to chat a little with our awesome bus driver who always goes with us. (He even remembered me from two years ago when I sprained my ankle and he drove me to the ER in our 50 passenger bus!). But when that bus pulled out at 6am this morning I was at home asleep because I cannot go with them. It would be too long to try and explain to you why CIY means so much to me – and why especially right now.

I went back to my journal last night to see what I was doing last summer at this time. I’m a little stunned. Things haven’t changed as much as I thought. To top it all off, some stuff I went through last year at this time has been totally reversed on me and I’m finally beginning to understand, (and finally forgive?) some stuff that I should have forgiven someone for a long time ago -- like when I said that I did. Yeah.

Forgiveness is something I’ve been thinking about more seriously of late. Steve (my pastor) said something the other day along the lines of: if you’ve forgiven someone, really forgiven them, then your relationship should not change with them at all. There’s no “I’ve forgiven them, but things are different now…” it’s just forgiveness. And that’s all.

When I say I forgive people though, I do that. I think; I forgive them, but things are different now. That’s not forgiveness, that’s a grudge. That’s a record of wrongs. So I’m working on forgiveness, if God can keep forgiving me for the things I do to Him everyday then I hope He can show me how to forgive the nothings and the every things that happen to me.

7.26.2008

yourself is ok

When I started this new blog I decided that I was going to make it less personal. Less personal and more “fun” and “trendy”, mirroring some of the other blogs I like to read. But that’s just not me. I mean, it’s a part of me, but not close to even a quarter of who I am.

(Just because it wasn’t as personal before doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to go all Oprah on you, okay friends? P.S. I do actually enjoy Oprah though.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to Be Yourself.

Next week my friend has two British soccer players coming to stay with her for the week and we’ve been planning stuff to do with them and thinking about all that and I was foolishly thinking in my foolish mind “They’re awesome people from Brittan, I want to make a good impression on them - blah blah blah…” then it hit me (reality, again– heh). They are just people.

The person I was making myself into didn’t look like me, act like me or say things I would say. I didn’t like that person much. She had Jennifer-Aniston-straight-hair, sweet high heels and a friend’s cute borrowed outfit - but Jessie Denbow wasn’t really around there anywhere. So I’m shedding all of that. If some guys from Brittan won’t be my friend because I’m wearing jeans, no lipstick and have a PLAID purse, then I guess I really don’t want to waste my time getting to know them. Besides, that girl they would have been friends with, wasn't me anyway. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt though. It’s not that I think they will scorn me if I don’t look a certain way; it was just all in my head.

I tend to play a lot of mind games with myself. Some of them are very good and help me to keep up good habits and all that jazz… but other ones are not good, they are very destructive but the destruction takes awhile to recognize.

I’ve been thinking and learning a lot lately but I won’t post it all right now because I’m guessing that reading a book that long on a computer screen wouldn’t be good for your eyes. But I do want to blog more about what I’m living and learning, I learn best when I am telling someone about things so even if no one reads this, I will at least read it over myself sometime and maybe learn something I needed to know.

-Good-night

7.22.2008

smile

You never accuse of the many things,
But guilty so I prove.
You pleaded, prodded, begged of me
But atrophied muscles seldom move.
.
The one you see most everyday
Is cheaply taken off the shelf.
Is it not a perfect likeness?
A twin of its blooming former self?
.
One day you slowly dared to peep
Where others never travel,
My quaint white curtains drawn aside
Expose molded bits left to ‘ravel.
.
The window panes they blocked you out
Too bad glass is painted clear,
For in the end you caught a glimpse
Of each and every tainted tear.
.
Unshed -- unwed to a purpose or a reason
So much filth so deep ingested
How can I spit it out? I asked
“Be happy”, you suggested

7.20.2008

memories of a blanket

When Aslan, Grace and I were born we were each given a soft, brightly colored blanket. We have never actually called them “baby blankets”, but I suppose that that is exactly what they are.

Being the eldest I was the first I participate in what would become a tradition, my blanket was light pink with soft silkiness around the edges. I have never had a pet name for my blanket, for as long as I can remember it’s just been known as “the pink blanket”. I do believe that it might have been fondly called a “night, night” for awhile. Yes. I named by blanket Night Night… I’ve never been so good at nicknames…

Aslan’s blanket was a minty green color, also with silky edges. (The blankets were all the same type, just different colors.) His blanket won the nickname “Bashie” (pronounced Ba-She), over time. We’re not really sure where this sophisticated and seemingly unconnected named originated. We think it might have been Aslan’s way of trying to say “blanket” when he was little and it just stuck even after he learned to speak correctly.

Grace’s blue blanket, (known as "Deet De") was the last, and the most cheaply made we gradually found out. She’s actually had two blankets because the first one deteriorated so quickly and soon it looked like a spider web and so mom bought her a new one. The last I knew though, the old one was still stashed in a drawer because she loved it and didn’t want to get rid of it. As a naughty little child, I believe that her blanket was always a great aid to her the many and multiple times she escaped from her crib.

These blankets have been pals and companions. I can only speak for myself but my blanket has been a constant comfort with me throughout my twenty year life. I generally use it as a sort of free form pillow that I can shape or squish into the uncomfortable crevice between my pillow and the wall but it has served many purposes. When I’ve had stomachaches or headaches somehow laying my blanket on the painful spots helps to sooth them, this idea came from my mom telling me she use to do that with her blankie when she was little. The pink blanket has also been soaked with many tears for many reasons. Currently its’ main use is as the tool in a simple neck exercise my chiropractor insists that I do each night before I go to bed.

When my cousin Denny and I were younger we would stay up late in our old house watching taped reruns of the Batman show from the ‘60’s then we would clothespin towels, or in my case, my blanket, around our necks and run around the house on missions. I was usually Batgirl and he was Batman. I remember having many conversations with Commissioner Gordon on our back staircase, also known as Police Headquarters.

So while blankets may be for little children, I will never let my blanket go. It’s got huge holes in the middle but it’s still one of the softest and most comforting things to me. It usually goes wherever I go and I think it will probably stay that way.

7.17.2008

have you ever noticed...

...once you pass the 100 page mark, the rest of the book goes like wildfire?

I am currently reading a biography of the poetess Edna St. Vincent Millay called, Savage Beauty. It's not a book I would highly reccomend but I am enjoying it, mostly because I've never heard about her before.

I read a poem in there today that captured a bit of how I feel and why I cannot just stay in one place forever, at least not yet...

How shall I know, unless I go
To Cairo and Cathay,
Whether or not this blessed spot
Is blest in every way?
.
Now it may be, the flower for me
Is this beneath my nose;
How shall I tell, unless I smell
The Carthaginian rose?
.
The fabric of my faithful love
No power shall dim or ravel
Whilst I stay here, -but oh, my dear,
If I should ever travel!

7.15.2008

toothpastefordinner

I find this humorous:


7.11.2008

two-faced

While being at work I’ve discovered just how two-faced people (especially girls) can be. Someone left the room today and everyone suddenly started in on how awful it was to work with her and this and that and blah blah blah… I suddenly had this fear that they talked about me this way as well when I wasn’t around! I was seized with the panic that I mustn’t do anything that would put me in a bad light or give them a reason to complain about me what I wasn’t around. Then I realized something; whether I gave them a reason or not, they would probably still say some negative things about me sometimes. If I was quiet I’d be considered too quiet, loud or too loud. Quick working or lazy… who knows. And as I thought about it my tension eased. There are two-faced people everywhere and they will always find something to talk about so if you live your life always worried about what people are saying about you, then you’re not living at all. Just let it go and accept that someone is always saying something… that might even give you (me) a reason to stop and listen more carefully to the things that are coming out of MY mouth.

silent

You know that I love words. They are my joy, my passion- I feel less alive if I cannot express my heart and mind through written words. Words are one of my greatest strengths.

But what do you do when your greatest strength fails you? Batman always has his utility belt. Super Man just keeps an eye out for kryptonite… but what about us less-than-super humans? Music is a great backup power if words are not available because words are intertwined with the beautiful melodies. But what about when it all fails, when there’s nothing left but you and God?

Silence

...speaks louder than any audible sound or written word. Silence takes control. Silence is empty but overflowing. Silence can heal or it can tear apart. They say that silence is golden, but I say that silence is glass because you can break it, shatter it and it can be very heavy…

I wish that there was more silence in my head.

7.10.2008

rockin' the scarf

I really enjoy checking out Altamira NYC's blog because she always has such neat pictures of New York City style. Today's post really caught my attention because if you've seen me in the fall or winter you know how much I like my scarves. I was wishing that I could find a way to incorporate them into my summer wardrobe, now I see how I can! I love this picture. So simple, yet so elegant and fun! The woman also looks so friendly, I would like to meet her...

7.07.2008

dreaming

How much store should we put by dreams? I studied dreams a little in psychology last semester but the most I feel like I discovered was that you tend to dream about what is stressing you, exciting you, what’s going on in your life or what you really want…

I have some friends that put a big emphasis on dreams and dream interpretation. They can pull the most obscure meanings from things that seem straight forward to me. I tend to think that’s silly but what about the dreams that are yelling a truth at you blatantly? I usually disregard dreams because I figure that I’m not thinking with my logical mind, it’s all emotion in dreams… right???

Maybe dreams uncover our true feelings that have been lost and mixed up in the conscious world where we pick everything apart. I wish I could do something on impulse for once. Stupid analytical brain.

7.02.2008

reasons # 574 and #462 to visit NYC... or live there

Dylan's Candy Bar, run by Dylan Lauren, daughter of top designer Ralph Lauren. Dylan says that she loves candy and her new shop is like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory come to life.


Improv Everywhere doesn't just pull stunts in New York, but I believe that their mastermind is a New Yorker. Check them out on YouTube because I cannot describe here just how crazy awesome they are.

(207 people freeze all at the same time in Grant Central Station.)

overwhelmed

So much to do and say... it never, never, ever fits all into one day. It's a little depressing.

First and foremost I am very excited right now because I've just heard from a friend who has been silent for almost two years... I still love you and I didn't know that you visited me here but I'm so glad that you do. I shall write as soon as I can, there's so much to say.

a little story...

The windows were down and the music created a beautiful background for the movie worthy moment. Three friends, midnight approaching and the beauty of the dark and an open road stretching before them. Her retro '50's sunglasses kept the hair back from her face like a headband as her gaze shifted from the road to the sky. The stars were out. She hadn't realized that. It was rather like seeing an old friend for the first time after you've just gotten to the point of almost forgetting them. Memories of all those different nights and different situations all connected by the act of starring up at the stars... "Sometimes I think of stars like freckles," she spoke her thought aloud to no one as it suddenly occurred to her. The memories past away, the car sped on and she reminded herself not to forget the stars again. They are too wonderful. She is me.

6.30.2008

this and that

Okay, I know I've blogged a lot today but it's my day off, and it's not that I have nothing better to do, it's just the fact that I like to write and there's sometimes a lot to say.

Look at this colour-me wallpaper. It's a brilliant idea. As a 20-year-old that likes to be creative I would love to spend a couple hours chatting with a friend or two and decorating the wall at the same time. The only downside would be when you've colored it all up.

I've been all inspired by home-decor lately. Too bad I don't have a home to practice on. I use my room though and hopefully my room at school will be amazing. Anne and I have some pretty cool ideas. Perhaps I can somehow impliment this, because I like it:


Once again my mind has returned to the same old, same old... I really want to get paid to write. If only it were as simple as that. I don't even know where to start.

Last, not because it's least, check out this mystery house on 5th Avenue -- New York, of course.

a hot tin roof

"Family crisis tends to bring out the best and the worst in people..." -Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Sometimes I think families, friendships - relationships of all kinds need to have more crisises because there are things that need to be said, words held back and stored for a long time. Feelings are felt, wounds are healed. Maybe we don't need a crisis though... maybe that just tends to be the easiest way to be raw and open.

one weekend, two girls nights

We had a wonderful spa night at Alyssa's appartment Friday night. Very relaxing and lots of fun!

Oatmeal and yogart face mask... it made a great dip for the cucumbers. Yeah, I did eat a little off my face. YUMMY!






















This candle smelled weird... thus the label
















Supplies












My drink with a cuke on the glass... elegant! heh









Around 12:30am we went out on Alyssa's deck and MaryAnna led us in some yoga and the guys next door asked us if we needed beer to do that and then invited us over to do shots. lol We politely declined.
***
Sunday MaryAnna and I went on a shopping trip that was lots of fun. We wore some of her Creep Repellent. We're showing off our Creep Repellent in the picture below...