one and two

post one
I think I'm forever looking for something that doesn't exist. But if it does exist, would I even want it?

post two
I've pretty much lived in my comfort zone my whole life. What would it be like to pack up everything and do something completely different? Move to a secular campus; talk to someone entirely new; move to a country with a language I cannot speak: speak in public... things I'm actually scared of... ???

growing up

I was talking with an old friend tonight (who used to go to Ozark) about the differences between our schools. She brought up the interesting observance that the people at her secular school actually act much more grown up than the people here at Ozark. We've always joked that Ozark is just like jr. high and high school but its really not that funny... because it's true.

Here is where I've begun to question if OCC actually fosters this continuation of childhood without even knowing it.

We have curfews, rules about what clothing we can wear in class (A friend of mine is not allowed to wear his kilt on campus because it is "immodest". It's a cultural expression and its riduculous to tell him he cannot wear it.), we are fed at specific times each day, we are required to attend chapel, we have dorm PARENTS, required small groups, one friend was made to take down her Christmas decorations because the holiday is over and the list goes on and on...

I completely understand the need for rules but are these rules prolonging a childhood for people in their 20's who need to learn to grow up? I understand that Ozark wants to uphold standards but if people aren't given the opportunity to grow - then they won't.

To promote change we need not embrace a rebellious attitude but instead take a look at ourselves. I am the ONLY person that I can change...

unraveled

I feel like a ball of yarn unraveling...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
(James 1:2-8)

This explains why the only constant in my life is my instability... I am double-minded.

restless

It's that time of the semester again... I'm feeling a little crazy. I want:

...to go on an adventure (I've had some mini ones so that has helped a LOT)

...to pick up everything and travel (someone told me today to head to Denver... maybe)

...to ignore everyone and stay shut up in my room (bad choice; will lead to depression)

...to do something EXTREMELY artistic (again, visited some art museums and am feeling a little better about this one)

...to change my hair (yeah, you know what that means)

...to drive and drive and drive and drive (if only....)

...to say what I really think (I tend to get even more opinionated when I'm restless)

...to see my brother (I miss him more than anyone in the world)

...to be irresponsible and blow off classes and assignments (this is where self-control needs to kick in)

...to dance

joy

I wrote about love. Now I'll write about joy because it's next on the list. (Gal.5:22-23)

Joy does not always equal happiness. but it did for me this week. Everything hasn't been perfect but I've been happy and able to better handle things that come my way. There is an underlying cheerfulness that helps me to shy away from my cynical nature and look at things with more of a silver lining.

I like seeing the sunny side of life while still being able to be sad if I feel sad or be angry if I get upset.

Running with balloons through a field sounds like fun...

4am

Heavy words; no weight possesses
Inside out and under tresses
Make no sound my heart stay silent
Sheets of paper torn and violent

A peek inside the contradiction
Share with me your one affliction
Most say yes and one says no
Which of these is labeled “foe”?

tiny bit of random

just watched this and laughed.

cannot believe the ridiculousness of these shoes















i want to learn how to ride this

a walk in the woods on a rainy day would be great for inspiration

leadership

Sometimes it's discouraging because it seems like male leadership in Christianity is dead. But tonight my hope was renewed as I saw my fellow students stand up and recite and share things that meant a lot to them. There were some girls who shared but over all there were mostly guys sharing. It reminded me that this place, my school, is raising up leaders, to turn around the trend of men staying in the background while women take over because the men won't step up. (Deborah anyone...? Judges chapter 4.)

This was an odd post... I'm not sure how to word my happiness at this prospect of change. It's very rare indeed for me to be wordless.

Respect. I guess that might sum up how I feel right now. It was a small thing, but I respect them a whole lot.

love

I’m working to gain the fruits of the spirit. This week I focused on Love.

I’ve been looking at the way I love people; or don’t love them. How I treat them or view them. I wanted to clean out the cobwebs that had collected over my old go-to ways of loving those around me.

I looked deep and I didn’t like what I found. I am not good at loving people. I have patterns that I follow that don’t always produce the product that is pictured on the package. I love people If… I love people when… I know I don’t need those extra words, if and when.

Surprisingly reading the book about firstborns that I’ve been working on has taught me a lot about myself and why I do the things that I do. Things that I don’t always like. I know I judge people too harshly; I hold them to the standards that I hold myself to. Maybe that’s why people I love sometimes feel so discouraged by me; maybe that’s why I feel so discouraged about myself…?

I’m grieving this week over the lack of love I’ve shown. I won’t be perfect from here on out and maybe you won’t see a change but I promise you that I’m trying. I cannot change the habits of my lifetime in a moment, I wish that I could. But I can change them in time.

If I ever hurt you, please know that I am so very sorry. I am not good at loving but my God who lives within me is.

Why is it always easier to write what you want to say than to actually say it aloud to someone?

fruit & flowers

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

I want this to be the fruit of my life; what people see when they look at the things I do and say. I want them to show up ASAP. I have a mircowave mindset. But good, rich, healthy things don't come easily. For something to be worth a certain amount it has to be worked for just that much.


I recently wrote about feeling a loss of self-control. I've decided that I want it back. Its at the end of a long list of lovely qualities that I would love to posess, (see first line above). After thinking, talking and praying I've decided it's time to gain back what I've lost. Starting with Love I want to go down the list and gather these traits like flowers. I'll grow them up and make them into a bouquet to carry around with me everywhere I go. As I walk along I can hand out the flowers and head back to the garden to pick the others that I want continually to grow there.

friends

Your best friends are the people who know you.

(I’m not just talking about the one or two people you tell everything too. I am talking about the group of people that you always hang out with; the people in all your pictures; the people you goof off with.)

That may be an obvious statement but think about it… Sometimes we get tired of our friends and want to make one or two new ones, and that’s fine. But stop for a second and think about why the people who are your best friends have been given that title.

My best friends are the ones that I am comfortable with. I can be quiet around them or really loud. They love me when I am down and when I am cracking jokes, (or failing jokes as it may be). We can sit and talk for hours or ride in a car in happy silence. We have inside jokes and have taken trips together. We know each other; be it a little or a lot.

I love them because I can be myself. I’m not worried what they will think because we all love each other.

I’ve found this on a small scale in a couple of places but everyday I am amazed at the people I know here at school. I love them so much and I’m not sure what I will do without them when I have to leave. Back-home friends are wonderful but I am convinced that nothing will ever be the same as the way it is here and now at school.

I don’t like thinking about the end of the year because I won’t be leaving school. I’ll be leaving my family of the past two years.

bittersweetness

I feel like I’ve grown younger since I’ve been at school.

In some ways it’s really good. I’ve got the typical Firstborn syndrome of being responsible, serious and driven. It’s been really nice to learn to let go and have a little fun. Not freak out if some one is a little late. Learn to roll with the punches, you know? I’m not saying I’m good at it, but it’s been nice to stretch and learn. I love to learn.

But in another way I feel like I have lost a lot. I’ve lost so much that I worked so hard for. I use to be very efficient and able to stay on task. Being at school I’ve developed a mild form of ADD. I also feel like I’ve lost self-control in a lot of areas. I hate that. But I’ve found a way to make it serve me; I use to rag on people with no self-control and say that they just needed to suck it up and do such-and-such but I am at the other end of the stick now and I am learning to understand that it’s a little more difficult than I thought it was.

Hmm… just some bittersweetness that’s been on my mind today.

rejuvinate

I need to refresh and recharge. Life is just fine but I am growing weary. Simple social interactions tax me and I find myself withdrawing into a shell that I know I will not like later on.

I want to hear the sound of rain.

Read a book to rival Pride and Prejudice.

Get my hair cut because it bothers me more than you would think.

Do something artistic.

Sing a beautiful song.

Get a hug from you. It’s been a few years.

Sit and enjoy the atmosphere of a coffeehouse.

Dream big dreams again.

Smell some flowers.

These are the little things I do to refresh. To recharge I need to hang out with God.

In Christian Life we’ve been talking about Celebrating and making sure that we take time to celebrate and have joy. I think that’s what I’ve been forgetting to do. I have lots of fun with people but I’m lacking joy sometimes. I think I just need to recharge and get back on bored, then I’ll be okay. I don't like to feel like this; especially when I feel like there is no reason.

where

Most people search and pray and worry over where they are supposed to be, where God wants them to be.

I don't know what to do. I know where I'm supposed to be, but I can't be there.

I just want to scream.