homesick? or heartsick?

Every semester I just keep wondering if college is really for me. I love being with the people and learning new things but its just too much…

Everything is too fast, too loud, too funny, too serious…

You would think I’d feel more in control at school, away from authorities, making my own decisions. But I feel like I have less control here than anywhere else. And I’m going absolutely crazy. My skin is crawling with the urge to get out.

I went to a good friend’s house last night and it was wonderful. Relaxing and homey. A space of her own. I miss that. Right now I would give just about anything to get out of here and back to the real world. I always start out liking it here but then I slowly realize that I don’t think this is for me.

I wish God would show me what to do. I am so lost. He is not far from me, but he is so quiet. I see in other people’s lives how things are opening up for them and opportunities arise… I’m waiting for that while trying to be proactive but there is nothing.

I am three months away from my 21st birthday and I feel like I am wasting my life…

ache

I really miss writing… it’s like I’ve been holding my breath for a long while. Maybe someday soon I’ll have time to produce something of at least a little substance…

personality test

Beaver
You scored 50% Otter, 53% Lion, 78% Beaver, and 47% Golden Retriever!

"How was that done in the past?"

You're a beaver. Beavers tend to be intellectually busy, always questioning why things are the way they are, and how stuff works. You think logically, and tend to be less emotional. You may be very organized, putting things where you know you'll be able to find them later, or use an "inner filing system" to record experiences. Beavers like to take things apart... and take people apart as well, making them some of the toughest critics. They set high standards for others, and themselves.

In relationships, beavers are advised to avoid the spontaneous, risk taking otter. They don't always understand each other very well. Instead, they are advised to pair up with a laid back Golden Retriever or an adventurous Lion.

Check out which personality type you are: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-animal-personality-test

so there's this boy...

He’s sweet; focused on God; makes me laugh; dances with me and LIKES it; puts up with my randomness; isn’t afraid to call me out on stuff and set me straight; doesn’t make me listen to ‘80’s music in his car (yet); makes me smile just by seeing him across the room; walks me to class or up to my dorm; sits with me even if we don’t have anything to say; amazes me with his musical talents; says cheesy things to me, but they aren’t cheesy because I know he means it; a hard worker; a practical joker; passionate about what he wants to do for God; nerd – he revived the one in me too; there’s more… but I think you should probably just meet him. You’ll like him… I do. He's my boyfriend. :-D

no thief

I am continually amazed at how well Relient K songs describe my life... sometimes it's uncanny. Of course, I suppose music is supposed to speak to us and identify with our lives... otherwise, we wouldn't be so attatched to it.

only when i'm breathing

You know that whole thing where you tell God you will never do this, you will never do that, and then you end up right where you said you'd never be?

I said for 6 years that I would never go to college...
I am currently living and attending classes at Ozark Christian College.

I said I would never do youth ministry again...
My only ministry in Joplin so far as been in a youth group (and I love it!).

I said that this would be my last year of college and then I was heading to Europe...
I finally listened to God and now I am finally open to His direction, Europe now or Europe later. (I know I WILL get there someday.)

Sometimes I wonder if I've deluded myself all these years - about many things - and my life will end up looking NOTHING like I've always thought it would. You know what, if it happens, I think I might be okay with it...

I keep lists, so many lists, and I hold them up as the guidlines as to what I should accomplish in my life. But the past week or so has seriously made me take a look at my lists and think again. You cannot condense the life you haven't lived yet into a list. Maybe it's time to rip them all up and start to live for real. Reality cannot be plotted out in a list.

I think I need to let go of control. Learn to be kinder, more vulnerable, more real. Living is not surviving, it's LIFE.

Now I am here wondering what else have I denied that will come back to me?

Life has never gone according to my plans... you would think that after 20 years I would have learned something... right? I hope I am finally learning this once and for all, because I'm weary and I can't take much more of this!

God... where are you?

Why can't I do anything right...?

I can't hear you.

I need you.

Help me.

Please.

I don't want to be me anymore.

community

Community and I have a love/hate relationship.

I hate living in a close knit community because you’re with the same people all the time and it can become stifling if you cannot get away (because you don’t have a car or whatnot). But on the other hand, I love living in a community because those people that are always around become your closest friends, and even a part of your family sometimes. When you’re hurting you don’t have to be alone you just have to be brave enough to reach out. When you’re confused about something you just have to walk to the next room or across campus and sit down and talk with someone. When you want to laugh and have fun you just grab a few people and go…

I want to focus on the love part today. I’ve been making an effort for the past 7 weeks or so to be more positive. It’s going well and perhaps that why God is enabling me to usually see the silver lining on everything…

Anyway, lately I feel like God has been telling me to get all I can out of being here. Not just out of the people but out of the school work too. I’m exerting effort to have a better attitude towards my school work this semester, since that’s the reason that I am actually here.

Today I have that strange feeling that at any moment someone might pull the rug right out from under me; it wouldn’t be too surprising since God likes to do that but it’s making me a little anxious because I like to know what’s coming. So yeah, I’m trying to soak up all I can from the people around me and the information that I am steeped in daily.

That’s just a tiny update on my life for ya’ll… whoever reads this, I don’t actually know…