vanilla twilight

Its snowy and cold again. And I'm remembering those warm evenings sitting on the back porch, alone,  watching the light fade while the backyard went to sleep.

Gosh, I hate working in an office sometimes. I feel like the world is going on outside while I'm stuck in a fake creation of plaster and florescent light.

Maybe if I cared about my job it would be different.

What could I do that I care about?

I had a job that I cared about for awhile... but then the caring became my job and it was a terrible thing.

Caring about people should never become a job.

But, what should I do then?

There are very few things I am passionate enough about to invest myself in them for more than money.

I go to work to make money to live.

I do things I love to stay sane.

It's hard to think about what it would be like to combine those two things... is it possible?

emma

Jane Austen is one of my all-time favorite authors, up there with Laura Ingalls Wilder and Maud Hart Lovelace. So whenever I see a new adaption of one of her novels I get excited. Can you ever get enough of empire waists, parasols and British accents speaking words from the 19th century?

Of course not!

Thank you Masterpiece Theater 2010!
I hope it's as good as it looks

sick part #2

i've had a relapse. i'm sick again. this is what I'm doing today:

this is what i wish and need to be doing:

some people speak

When some people speak their words bound and scatter across you, tickling you and making you smile.

When some people speak their words fall like rocks, crushing you.

When some people speak their words softly heal wounds you didn't know where bleeding.

When some people speak their words are like balloons, they float so high but in the end they are only full of air and eventually pop. And you spent too much time waiting for them to land.

heaven's five

I've never been very excited about heaven. Part of that is the fault of my limited imagination and also the ways in which spiritual leaders in my life have tried to explain it to half full classrooms.

I don't relish the thought of spending eternity singing hymns, pacing streets of gold or bowing down before a throne with a Being so bright I cannot see him.

What is the point?

I think that Mitch Albom might be on to something in his book. He writes about a heaven where relationships reign. I think God would do something like that... Isn't that what He is all about?

I don't think Mitch got it all right by any means, but his book made me think. Made me happy. If his idea of heaven can do that, what about God's reality of heaven? He knows us so well and wants us to be happy... I wonder what that will be like...? (back to limited imagination...)

shut eye

Is sleep God's way of making us take it slow?

I was mourning a few minutes ago that I couldn't squeeze more time out of my day to do things.

Work and sleep take up most of the day.

I am one of those people who needs almost exactly 8 hours of sleep. No more, no less.

Maybe God knew He would have to force some of us to take a time out every once and awhile.

Sleep is essential.

So is rest.

Don't work or play too hard. Take some time to rest and slow down.

That's what I'm trying to teach myself to do.

short on time

So... I really need to get back on the wedding planning...

103 days

Time to make some lists. I love lists. It's hard to tell you just how much I really, really love lists.

sicky

I've been sicky this weekend.

It really stinks cuz this weekend was my birthday.

Maybe next year I will have a good birthday?

I've spent my sicky time reading Harry Potter, watching some King of Queens episodes on Youtube and forcing as much liquid into my body as possible.

I also made veggie soup and popped some vitamin C's.

Took a two hour nap and I asked my boss if I can get off work tomorrow. She's great and said yes.

So here is to getting well by Tuesday....

Cheers.

make believe

So tired of pretending.

Always pretending its ok.

I'll be fine.

I'll get over it.

I'm ok.

Put on the good face for company.

Its what you do... right?

But, what do you do about it later? When you stop believing your own lies and people start looking more closely?

some things i miss

I remember walking alone on the path before the rain; you could smell it in the air.

Gathering with those sisters for movie nights, (mostly of the 19th century) and cookies.

Preparing for a night of dancing with giggles, swirling skirts and dance cards.

in the moment

It can be hard for me to live in the moment. I like to plan ahead, look ahead in anticipation; sometimes worry ahead. I'm not good at being content with where things are at right now.

I know I miss a lot this way.

So I'm making some changes. When I'm unhappy with where things are at, or with what is happening I try to look for the good and celebrate it. It will be gone all to soon itself.

What is good right now that you are missing by looking toward something "better"?

this and that

My mechanic lectured me yesterday about not allowing myself to become a victim. It was weird, but he was right.

When I get in a situation where things don't go my way I tend to take the victim route instead of taking all the information from my experience and making better decisions, friends, choices, etc., with it.

Are you acting like a victim too?

Started reading James again. Its my favorite book. So practical and straightforward. Gives me something to think about besides work, money, food, entertainment and the latest song stuck in my head.