only when i'm breathing

You know that whole thing where you tell God you will never do this, you will never do that, and then you end up right where you said you'd never be?

I said for 6 years that I would never go to college...
I am currently living and attending classes at Ozark Christian College.

I said I would never do youth ministry again...
My only ministry in Joplin so far as been in a youth group (and I love it!).

I said that this would be my last year of college and then I was heading to Europe...
I finally listened to God and now I am finally open to His direction, Europe now or Europe later. (I know I WILL get there someday.)

Sometimes I wonder if I've deluded myself all these years - about many things - and my life will end up looking NOTHING like I've always thought it would. You know what, if it happens, I think I might be okay with it...

I keep lists, so many lists, and I hold them up as the guidlines as to what I should accomplish in my life. But the past week or so has seriously made me take a look at my lists and think again. You cannot condense the life you haven't lived yet into a list. Maybe it's time to rip them all up and start to live for real. Reality cannot be plotted out in a list.

I think I need to let go of control. Learn to be kinder, more vulnerable, more real. Living is not surviving, it's LIFE.

Now I am here wondering what else have I denied that will come back to me?

Life has never gone according to my plans... you would think that after 20 years I would have learned something... right? I hope I am finally learning this once and for all, because I'm weary and I can't take much more of this!