trust

So, writing is my addiction, once I start its hard to stop…

I have never seen myself as someone who has “trust issues”. But we’re most blind to faults in ourselves right? It’s a lot easier to see the faults in other people.

I assume that trusting is something that I am good at, but I’m wrong. I don’t like to trust because that means giving up control. I have come to realize that having control is a big thing to me. I want to be the one picking the restaurant; I want to be the one driving so I can leave when I want to; I want to spend my money as I see fit; I want to be in charge of pretty much everything.

Part of this desire for control may be attributed to the fact that I am a first born and have always been a leader for my siblings. And I think it may also just be part of my personality type. Those things are fine but when it comes down to taking control instead of trusting God, I’ve got problems.

Some major changes are coming along and instead of giving them to God my first impulse is to try and solve them, to try and change them to how I think they should be. I have grown up thinking, “If I can just find the right formula or the perfect solution, then I can fix the problem!” and sometimes that works but other times, I cannot fix it. And oddly enough, at those times I feel like I have failed.

Today I woke up with the realization that I don’t lean on God like I should. If I am sad I take it to other people instead of God. Its easier for me because they are THERE. I can see them, touch them, hear them… but maybe I could “feel” God more if I spent more time with Him and learned to recognize Him just like seeing my friends across campus.

I don’t know… let’s chalk this post up to mid-morning ramblings… there’s really no conclusion yet