runaway : give up

When I come up against problems that I don't know how to solve my first impulse is to runaway. My simultanious impulse is to give up.

I've been afraid of this my whole life.

Afraid that I'm a quitter; that I manipulate excuses so I can give up when the going gets tough. I've started to make myself stick things out, stay when its hard. That's why I'm still at school. That's why I finally held down a job this summer... and its been good for me.

But now I'm afraid that I've gone too far and won't give up when I need to.

Am I clinging to this because its the "right" thing to do? It doesn't feel healthy, I am hurting... and covering it with anger - as usual. Is this a form of "abuse"? Or is that too harsh a word?

...

Side note: I am tired of doing all of this work with my head. I want to use my hands for something. A sewing project, photography, painting... whatever. I got to paint last week and it was so good for my soul. I think we all need a creative outlet now and then. Whether its writing, making music or pottery. There's something in us, at least in me, that NEEDS to make something beautiful from time to time. Do it.