on edge

Sometimes I forget how tiring it can be to just live. I haven’t had more than a teeny slice of time to myself for a week(ish) and I’m already going crazy.

How is it that I know what I need to do, but I just don’t do it?

I need to go off and just spend some time alone outdoors but I just can’t seem to get to it. There’s always a group going here, or a project I need to work on, a moment with friends that I wouldn’t miss for the world… with all of that happening, where is my sanity suppose to fit in?

I love school, but I miss solitude. But I MUST take that time because my insides are like spaghetti in a pot, all entwined and threatening to boil over at any moment.

I don’t like who I’ve become lately. I’m sarcastic, kinda mean, prideful, opinionated… I want to try to be something else. I want to be firm, gentle, kind, sweet… I just don’t know anymore. Sometimes I’m just at a loss and that’s when I’m glad everything doesn’t rest on me. Thanks for being in charge God, I keep trying to handle everything but I know that it’s your job and I can’t do it no matter how hard I try. And deep down… I don’t really want to do it.