love

I’m working to gain the fruits of the spirit. This week I focused on Love.

I’ve been looking at the way I love people; or don’t love them. How I treat them or view them. I wanted to clean out the cobwebs that had collected over my old go-to ways of loving those around me.

I looked deep and I didn’t like what I found. I am not good at loving people. I have patterns that I follow that don’t always produce the product that is pictured on the package. I love people If… I love people when… I know I don’t need those extra words, if and when.

Surprisingly reading the book about firstborns that I’ve been working on has taught me a lot about myself and why I do the things that I do. Things that I don’t always like. I know I judge people too harshly; I hold them to the standards that I hold myself to. Maybe that’s why people I love sometimes feel so discouraged by me; maybe that’s why I feel so discouraged about myself…?

I’m grieving this week over the lack of love I’ve shown. I won’t be perfect from here on out and maybe you won’t see a change but I promise you that I’m trying. I cannot change the habits of my lifetime in a moment, I wish that I could. But I can change them in time.

If I ever hurt you, please know that I am so very sorry. I am not good at loving but my God who lives within me is.

Why is it always easier to write what you want to say than to actually say it aloud to someone?