8.31.2008

robin hood

So I have this crazy addiction to Disney's animated version of Robin Hood - yeah, the one with the fox - and this song was in my head and I just love it so I wanted to post it because it's short, sweet and I like it a lot. (It's from the movie, if you didn't catch that fact)

Love
It seems like only yesterday
You were just a child at play
Now you're all grown up inside of me
Oh, how fast those moments flee


Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on


Love will live
Love will last
Love goes on and on and on


Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on

8.28.2008

a lucky man... ?

For my hermeneutics class I am reading a book called “Reading the Bible with Heart and Mind” by Tremper Longman III and today while I was reading I ran across a story I really liked:

***

This gentleman has a farm. He loves the old-fashioned way of doing things, so he doesn’t have any mechanical equipment and plows his fields with a horse. One day as he was plowing his field, the horse dropped dead. Everyone in the village said, “Gee, what an awful thing to happen.” He just responded, “We’ll see.” He was so at peace and so calm that we all got together and, because we admired his attitude so much, gave him a new horse as a gift. Then everyone’s reaction was, “What a lucky man.” And he said, “We’ll see.” A few days later the horse, being strange to his farm jumped a fence and ran off, and everyone said “Oh, poor fellow.” He said, “We’ll see.” A week later the horse returned with a dozen wild horses following it. Everyone said, “What a lucky man.” And he said, “We’ll see.” The next day his son went out riding, because now they had more than one horse, but the boy fell off the horse and broke his leg. Everyone said, “Oh, poor boy,” but my friend said, “We’ll see.” The next day the army came to town taking all the young men for service, but they left his son because of his broken leg. Everyone said, “What a lucky kid,” and my friend said, “We’ll see.”

***

The thing that strikes me so much about this story is the fact that each incident was not The End for this man. He knew that other things would happen, that life would keep going on. Personally, I have a problem sometimes seeing past the moment; if something bad happens it’s the end of the world to me, if something good happens I feel like nothing bad will happen again. It’s strange. So I like this story because it reminds me that good or bad will come but life will always go on and God will always be in control.

8.27.2008

Problem: down day

Solution: do something for someone else

Problem solved!

8.26.2008

on edge

Sometimes I forget how tiring it can be to just live. I haven’t had more than a teeny slice of time to myself for a week(ish) and I’m already going crazy.

How is it that I know what I need to do, but I just don’t do it?

I need to go off and just spend some time alone outdoors but I just can’t seem to get to it. There’s always a group going here, or a project I need to work on, a moment with friends that I wouldn’t miss for the world… with all of that happening, where is my sanity suppose to fit in?

I love school, but I miss solitude. But I MUST take that time because my insides are like spaghetti in a pot, all entwined and threatening to boil over at any moment.

I don’t like who I’ve become lately. I’m sarcastic, kinda mean, prideful, opinionated… I want to try to be something else. I want to be firm, gentle, kind, sweet… I just don’t know anymore. Sometimes I’m just at a loss and that’s when I’m glad everything doesn’t rest on me. Thanks for being in charge God, I keep trying to handle everything but I know that it’s your job and I can’t do it no matter how hard I try. And deep down… I don’t really want to do it.

8.22.2008

story time

There are these Freshman on my floor who are awesome. The other night I was hanging out with them and they were talking about Story Time, I asked them what that was. Apparently, these four girls bonded during orientation and they felt like they’d known each other for years but then they realized that they actually didn’t know much about each other at all. So their idea was to have a Story Time every couple of nights where they each take turns telling the story of their life to the others. I thought this was incredible. They asked me to join them and I jumped right in.

Something I love to do is find out why people do what they do and why they are who they are. That’s probably why I am a psych major. So I now have the opportunity to get to know these girls, my friends, better and to tell them the story of my life and why I am me and how God has changed me. I’m so excited. If you ever get the chance, ask people to tell you their story.

8.20.2008

grow up

Today in class one of my wonderful professors was telling a silly story about his wife. He said that they were married when he was 19 and she was 18. He jokingly said that the first two years of marriage were great but when she turned 20 she suddenly grew an opinion. At first we all laughed because we knew he was being silly but then I thought about it a little more…
When I turned 20 I slowly began to realize and become aware of more things and I dare say that I formed many opinions that I had never had before. I am by no means a “grown up” at 20 but I like to think that I am closer than I was at 18.

Frustration with college/high school dating…

So here’s the thing; people meet… they date… they decide they want to get married… when they are freshmen in college. How dumb is that? Really. It’s not the fact that they may be immature, financially unstable or whatever that gets to me (though those factors contribute). It’s the fact that at 18, 19, even 20; you are not who you will be. You will change, morph and reemerge as someone not completely different, but significantly changed. Especially as you go through college, travel experiences and the ups and downs of meeting new people and forming attachments.
Why do people think that they, and others, will be the same forever? We all change, each day. One day you may think that eating meat is fine; the next day you may read a book that changes your life and you choose to be a vegetarian, (true story of one of my friends). Someone you knew long ago may have been a terrible person who lied to you, stabbed you in the back and then spread rumors about you; but three years later, they may have changed their ways because of this or that.

If we forget to look at people as ever changing persons then I think we’ll be left behind holding on to a lot of hurts, prejudices and assumptions.

8.19.2008

booklist

There's a lot cooking in my brain right now but I'm still thinking on it, so instead of posting about that I decided to post the list of books I read this summer. Each one contributed a bit to my life, some more than others and I didn't enjoy them all but I am so glad that I was able to read them. The school year started again today and syllabus shock is setting in. I am realizing that I am not going to be able to read many, if any, books for fun this semester. But I am okay with that because I knew it was coming. That's why I tried to cram as many books into the summer as I could.

Tell Me, Pretty Maiden –Ryhs Bowen
My Antonia – Willa Cather
Twilight – Stephenie Meyer
In Dublin’s Fair City –Rhys Bowen
New Moon – Stephenie Meyer
Eclipse –Stephenie Meyer
Alice Adams – Boot Tarkington
Ethan Frome – Edith Wharton
Naked Once More – Elizabeth Peters
The Hound of the Baskervilles – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Utopia – Thomas More
Emma – Jane Austen
The Host – Stephenie Meyer
Savage Beauty –Nancy Milford
Persuasion – Jane Austen
Why We’re Not Emergent – Kevin DeYoung & Ted Kluck
Writing about Your Life – William Zinsser
Jane Austen – Carol Shields
The Last Lecture – Randy Pausch
Switching Time – Richard Baer

8.13.2008

how you know

When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you.

That lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.

-Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

8.09.2008

celebration

I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot this past week… it might surprise those of you that know I am a romantic to know that I am not one of those girls who has their entire wedding planned out and is just waiting for a name and a face to show up. Nope. My “wedding canvas” is pretty much blank except for a few basic ideas and must-haves; not wearing those prisons called “shoes” for example. I think I am just too practical to plan out my wedding, I know myself, and I change a lot. If I liked pink and green one day, the next it would be orange, red and yellow… so for now, my wedding canvas is a blank. And I like it that way.

But the wedding I have been thinking of lately is the wedding of two dear people whom I love, respect and admire. (I never say that of anyone lightly-there are actually very few people I would even say that of). They have been together for two and a half years or so and they have finally come to the point of marriage. It’s been a beautiful road, but not in the way most people think of “beautiful”. These two have given of themselves to help each other, they’ve laid aside the things they wanted the most (they were actually suppose to get married a year ago – long story there), they have heeded advice, grown more than I had ever hoped or dreamed and now because of hard work, perseverance and the true meaning of the word LOVE they are to be joined this evening; for the rest of their lives. And I can truly say that I have never been happier for anyone, ever.

I didn’t know that you could be happy like this for other people. It’s such a strange feeling. There are so many relationships I look at and can see right through because of all of the holes. But these two, they’ve taken the holes and knit them all closed with God and with the help of others. They’ve made this beautiful story that is their own, and tonight we will celebrate.

Yesterday I realized the simple truth, perhaps obvious to everyone else, that when we celebrate together we are saying “this is good”, “this is right”, “I am GLAD to be a part of this, so glad that I just want to gather together and rejoice for these two people who followed God and worked at love”. It’s such a strange custom, but one that is unique. I would say it’s uniquely human, but that would be wrong. It’s uniquely God because He is the one that invented marriage and celebration.

I hate going to weddings where everything feels wrong, this will be such an amazing chance to have it all feel right. I cannot write words to express right now how much joy I feel. It’s metaphysical.

8.06.2008

biography addict

Geneology of a reader: I use to read strickly fiction. Then I went on a self-help kick and learned a lot about psychology. Recently I realized, I love people, I always want to hear their stories, know how they became who they are and why they do what they do... so why not read biographies? Biographies are a combination of two things I love; Books & Life. I've read three biographies in the past month and I love them.

There are so many interesting stories of REAL life out there. Lives that have been LIVED, not fabricated. I'm beginning to wonder if we even need fiction? I guess it's a personal preference sort of thing. If you told me last year that I would eventually read biographies for fun I would have said, "yeah right", but here I am.

8.03.2008

alive... but a little sickly

Tonight we were in a grocery store and I was coming down an isle and saw my mom drop a tub of butter. Her arms were full of other things but she still leaned down to retrieve the butter. Before she could get far in her attempts the young man in line behind her quickly stooped down, grabbed the butter and handed it to her. I was quite struck by this little act of kindness and courtesy… I believe it use to be called chivalry if a man did something for a lady. This little scene will probably be burned in my mind for a long while… He didn't know my mom, he wasn't trying to impress anyone, he was just being a gentleman. I was pretty impressed.

People say chivalry is dead (mostly the feminists -- who ironically where the ones that put it to death…) but I disagree! Chivalry is NOT dead, it is merely sick. And I think it’s up to us girls that still want it around to nurse it back to health. The healing balm, (or one of them?) is to start expecting more from guys! They are not mindless, knuckle dragging video-game addicts… but they will be if that’s how you treat them. Everyone wants standards to live up to but if there are no standards then where can guys really be men? *Am reminded of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge*

No matter how many of chivalry’s graves walk by you when you’re struggling to open a door or to carry a load somewhere, chivalry is not dead. I saw proof tonight.

8.01.2008

vietnam

In one of the books I am reading I came across this poem, written by a Vietnamese soldier named Duong Tuong who visited the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C. He wrote it and left it there at the wall. It is beautiful and inspirational about love for one's enemies.

At The Vietnam Wall
because i never knew you
nor did you me
i come
.
because you left behind mother,
father an betrothed
and i wife and children
i come
.
because love is stronger than enmity
and can bridge oceans
i come
.
because you never return
and i do
i come

7.30.2008

"emerging" opinion

The Emergent Church – Perhaps you’ve heard that phrase thrown around your Bible College, the foyer of your church, on radio talk shows or you may have no idea what I’m talking about because you’ve never heard of it before. That’s okay, neither had I until a few months ago when one of my professors briefly vented about the evils of the Emergent church. I’m pretty sure no one in class knew what he was talking about, most were probably still half asleep – I think I was...

Fast forward a few months to last week...

Mom tells me dad is reading a new book, I see it on the coffee table and it looks cool so I ask him about it. (Yeah, yeah, you should never judge a book by its cover, I know. But I have a terrible habit of picking up books that look cool and then reading them just because I like how they look. Oddly enough, many of them turn out to be marriage books…I’m not married??) Dad and I start talking about this book and he tells me a little about it and so I decide to steal it from him and read it myself.


What IS the Emergent church? What is the church emerging from? I’ve not found this stated anywhere specifically but I assume that this generation is moving from the traditional church and emerging into something new and different. That’s what the emergent church is all about. In Why We’re Not Emergent by Kevin DeYoung and Ted Kluck they have a list of things that might let you know if you are emergently minded or not. For example;

“If you listen to U2, Moby or Johnny Cash’s Hurt (sometimes in church), use sermon illustrations from The Sopranos, drink lattes in the afternoon and Guinness in the evenings, and always use a Mac; if your idea of quintessential Christian discipleship is Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, or Desmond Tutu; if you don’t like George W. Bush or institutions or big business or capitalism or Left Behind Christianity; if your political concerns are poverty, AIDS, imperialism, war-mongering, CEO salaries, consumerism, global warming, racism, and oppression and not so much abortion and gay marriage; if you believe who goes to hell is no one’s business and no one may be there anyway; if you are into bohemian, goth, rave, or indie; if you love the Bible as a beautiful, inspiring collection of works that lead us into the mystery of God but is not inerrant; if you support women in all levels of ministry, prioritize urban over suburban, and like your theology narrative instead of systematic; if you’ve ever been to a church with prayer labyrinths, candles, Play-Doh, chalk-drawings, couches or beanbags (your youth group doesn’t count); if you loathe words like linear, propositional, rational, machine, and hierarchy and use words like ancient-future, jazz, mosaic, matrix, missional, vintage, and dance; if you grew up in a very conservative Christian home that in retrospect seems legalistic, naïve, and rigid; if you want to be the church and not just go to the church; if you believe that doctrine gets in the way of an interactive relationship with Jesus – if all or most of this torturously long sentence describes you, then you might be an emergent Christian.”

(And I edited that list; it’s actually about two and a half pages long.)

I was surprised to find that a lot of things in their long list did apply to me. I didn’t know I was leaning toward the emergent bent, but apparently I am. Then I kept reading….

I did not much enjoy reading the chapters written by Pastor Kevin DeYoung as they read more like a Bible College text book; chocked full of big words with simple meanings and quotations from dead reformists. (There are more endnotes for just ONE of his chapters than for one of my term papers). In fact, even with one year of Bible College under my belt, I had a hard time understanding or deriving a direct meaning from his chapters. I agree with some of the foundational things that DeYoung has to say but it was hard to retain much respect for him, or even any interest, due to his content and constant belittling, and mockery of the emergent church, (this after stating he didn’t want to bash his Christian brothers) and many shaky quotations of Rob Bell (a favorite author of mine).

That was my first impression…. But as I kept reading and slowly let go of my biases and prejudice against a man I had predetermined not to like, I discovered that DeYoung is just like me, willing to stand up and fight/defend what he believes is the TRUTH. He doesn’t believe that the Emergent church has the Truth, and I think he may be right.

Ted Kluck’s chapters were more enjoyable and easier to understand. He writes like a blogger which is something this generation has become comfortable with. I personally like that style best in non-fiction books because it’s more like talking with the person.

Again, what IS the Emergent church? According to this book it’s a movement that the leaders-who-don’t-want-to-be-known-as-leaders, call a “conversation”. They say that they are redefining how they “do church” and everyone is welcome to contribute to the conversation about how it should be done. In reality there’s a lot of soft squishiness about the movement and not much that’s solid and easily grabbed on to. But they do have some really good ideas.
The Emergent church wants to move away from the traditional but while doing so they seem to focus more on shock value and self-help theology than anything else. I believe that they are right in realizing that many churches today are not meeting the needs of people (Christian’s are some of the most miserable people I’ve met), and this fact is reinforced by how quickly people are flocking to places like Mosaic church in LA and Rob Bell’s own Mars Hill in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Personally I like the whole lets-redo-church idea and I tend to lean towards the Emergent ideals of more love, color, change, creativity, refreshing, difference and celebration but if gaining those things goes hand in hand with kicking out doctrinal truths like the evils of abortion, the wrongs of homosexual orientation, the blurring of lines between truth and feeling… if it’s all about a spiritual journey and not the ultimate destination then the Emergent church is not something that I want to support.

As with most things in life, I believe it all comes down to motives. Are people running to the Emergent churches because they are angry, hurt or bored with their former congregations? Or are they going there because they see new ways to reach people that weren’t effectively reached before? Or are they just more entertained?

One of my biggest concerns now is how many people may wander to the Emergent church because their own church is too stuck in a rut, stuck in the past, or stuck on tradition to see that there ARE things that could be different, changes that could be made. There’s a lot of cool stuff out there and the Emergent church has discovered and embraced that. While they might have thrown away absolute truth (since they may never find it if they keep taking these life-long journeys towards finding it when they aren’t sure if it even exists), they do have some things right. Things like unconditional love and acceptance. But the thing about love is - if you love someone you can accept them, but if you really love them, then you love them too much to let them stay in their sin. I hope that people would love me that much. God did.

This is where another problem comes is, Freedom in Christ is something the Emergent church is big on. They claim their freedom to do what they want because they are set free by Jesus. That’s a wonderful idea but not when you run wild with it. I am not opposed to alcoholic beverages consumed responsibly (as in; you are of age, you don’t get drunk, you don’t drink and drive… etc.) and smoking is not a sin, just a really bad idea. But when your church movement is known for coolness, beer, espresso, cigarettes, ambiguity, tolerance, experience and love… you have to wonder if it’s a good idea. Or if it’s just a remake of the 1970’s.

My good friend Jack, with whom I mainly discuss philosophical aspects of life, books and Christianity, told me that he thinks this emergent church trend will die off in twenty years or so. I believe that I highly agree with him. Can something so insubstantial last very long? If it does disappear, I hope that we hold on to the best of it. That we learn from it and incorporate the best of its parts into some of our dying churches that cling to hellfire and brimstone, strict hymnal usage and the unwritten no-jeans in church rule.

In conclusion, I’ve begun to wonder if the Emergent church is this generation’s rebellion disguised as deeper spirituality. As was mentioned in the long list of you-might-be-emergent-if, many of us grew up in very conservative Christian homes and once we got to college or out in the world those beginnings seemed legalistic, naïve, and rigid to us. Is this our way of trying to provide a different beginning for our kids? Our friends? Ourselves…? But at what cost? You may think it’s overdramatic but how many people will go to hell because we (or the Emergent church) told them that sin doesn’t matter, it’s all about being who you are and living a good life. It seems to me that the Emergent church’s biggest message is “if you just live well, trying to be like Jesus, then you’ll probably make it to heaven.” When was the “if you’re a good enough person God will love you enough to let you into heaven” message EVER an accepted form of evangelism??? And show me where it’s advocated in the Bible.

I love the friends I have whom I believe are involved with the Emergent church, I also love Rob Bell’s books and Donald Miller. These are creative, innovative people with a dream they are trying to make into a lifestyle. But Truth has to fit in there somewhere. You cannot just float along in life on a cloud, drifting from one spiritual “experience” to another. There comes a time when you have to look around and see if your “experiences” and “journeys” are really getting you anywhere. Or, are you still in the same place you’ve always been? Kluck makes a good point in one of his chapters about the difference between experience and fruit. You can have as many spiritual experiences as you want, there’s nothing wrong with that, but if there is no fruit in your life, in my life, then there is no point. And we’ve been told that trees that bear no fruit will be cut down and burned.

In the Epilogue the author states: “I realized a number of years ago that it didn’t matter if I was against all the things I should be against, if I wasn’t for anything.” I love that statement because I have recently come to the same conclusion. I can rant about communion, proclaim my freedom in Christ to do what I want and I can sit in church and make sarcastic comments about every point of the service. But if I’m not FOR anything, then what is the point of my existence? The other day I wondered what had happened to my passion, the kind of passion that drives your life. I realized that it was gone and I’d replaced it with this second-rate kind of life where I wondered around with no purpose but just generally had a good time. I’m tired of that. I’m not suddenly going to get involved with three youth groups, volunteer at soup kitchens every weekend and spend all night studying the Bible, (That’s just too radical for me; plus, I’ve tried that, it’s like the other extreme. Extremes are not always good.), but I want to change. I want to combine who I am, who I was and who I should be all into one. It’s a life long process but I don’t need to wait to start it, I can start now. And it has a destination at the end of the journey; Christ-likeness.

Other than reading this book and a few others by Emergent leaders, I’ve only talked with my Dad and Jack about the emergent church. I’d like to hear what you think/know. I may be wrong about some of this, but as I stated above, it’s just my opinion. Opinions should be subject to change if better and truer information is presented.

So, let me know… what do you think? And what do you know?

7.29.2008

cantaloupes and such

I tasted the nectar stuff you can buy for humming birds today, it was pretty good. I am now wondering how it would taste as an ice cream topping…?

I had to write down the code for cantaloupes on my hand today and every time I happened to noticed it, it made me think of the numbers tattooed on the arms of Nazi prisoners in WWII. (I am a prisoner of Wal-Mart… sort of.)

A kid at work offered me pizza on a bagel. I said no thanks… now I kinda wish I had tried it.

I’ve been keeping an eye on this HUGE mushroom that’s been growing in our yard, I wouldn’t let anyone cut it or squish it because I wanted to see how big it would get. Today I noticed that it seems to have collapsed upon it’s self. I was sad because I wanted it to get even HUGER.

Today I found the root reason that women’s intelligence is slowly melting away and they have nothing of interest to contribute to a conversation… during breaks at work I’ve noticed that over half of the people that bring books to read are reading those trashy romance novels! Yeah, the ones with the half-naked guy on the front with his hair blowing around like Fabio… oh my gosh. How can you insult your own intelligence by reading such garbage???

Sometimes when I get bored working the cigarette lane I print out blank receipt paper and write poems on it. Pretty sure I am NOT supposed to do that.

7.27.2008

day to day

Today was really sad because my youth group went going off to CIY and I want to go with them more than I’ve wanted to do anything in a long, long time. I sat through the campfire last night, the CIY memories, the jokes; I even got to chat a little with our awesome bus driver who always goes with us. (He even remembered me from two years ago when I sprained my ankle and he drove me to the ER in our 50 passenger bus!). But when that bus pulled out at 6am this morning I was at home asleep because I cannot go with them. It would be too long to try and explain to you why CIY means so much to me – and why especially right now.

I went back to my journal last night to see what I was doing last summer at this time. I’m a little stunned. Things haven’t changed as much as I thought. To top it all off, some stuff I went through last year at this time has been totally reversed on me and I’m finally beginning to understand, (and finally forgive?) some stuff that I should have forgiven someone for a long time ago -- like when I said that I did. Yeah.

Forgiveness is something I’ve been thinking about more seriously of late. Steve (my pastor) said something the other day along the lines of: if you’ve forgiven someone, really forgiven them, then your relationship should not change with them at all. There’s no “I’ve forgiven them, but things are different now…” it’s just forgiveness. And that’s all.

When I say I forgive people though, I do that. I think; I forgive them, but things are different now. That’s not forgiveness, that’s a grudge. That’s a record of wrongs. So I’m working on forgiveness, if God can keep forgiving me for the things I do to Him everyday then I hope He can show me how to forgive the nothings and the every things that happen to me.

7.26.2008

yourself is ok

When I started this new blog I decided that I was going to make it less personal. Less personal and more “fun” and “trendy”, mirroring some of the other blogs I like to read. But that’s just not me. I mean, it’s a part of me, but not close to even a quarter of who I am.

(Just because it wasn’t as personal before doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to go all Oprah on you, okay friends? P.S. I do actually enjoy Oprah though.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to Be Yourself.

Next week my friend has two British soccer players coming to stay with her for the week and we’ve been planning stuff to do with them and thinking about all that and I was foolishly thinking in my foolish mind “They’re awesome people from Brittan, I want to make a good impression on them - blah blah blah…” then it hit me (reality, again– heh). They are just people.

The person I was making myself into didn’t look like me, act like me or say things I would say. I didn’t like that person much. She had Jennifer-Aniston-straight-hair, sweet high heels and a friend’s cute borrowed outfit - but Jessie Denbow wasn’t really around there anywhere. So I’m shedding all of that. If some guys from Brittan won’t be my friend because I’m wearing jeans, no lipstick and have a PLAID purse, then I guess I really don’t want to waste my time getting to know them. Besides, that girl they would have been friends with, wasn't me anyway. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt though. It’s not that I think they will scorn me if I don’t look a certain way; it was just all in my head.

I tend to play a lot of mind games with myself. Some of them are very good and help me to keep up good habits and all that jazz… but other ones are not good, they are very destructive but the destruction takes awhile to recognize.

I’ve been thinking and learning a lot lately but I won’t post it all right now because I’m guessing that reading a book that long on a computer screen wouldn’t be good for your eyes. But I do want to blog more about what I’m living and learning, I learn best when I am telling someone about things so even if no one reads this, I will at least read it over myself sometime and maybe learn something I needed to know.

-Good-night

7.22.2008

smile

You never accuse of the many things,
But guilty so I prove.
You pleaded, prodded, begged of me
But atrophied muscles seldom move.
.
The one you see most everyday
Is cheaply taken off the shelf.
Is it not a perfect likeness?
A twin of its blooming former self?
.
One day you slowly dared to peep
Where others never travel,
My quaint white curtains drawn aside
Expose molded bits left to ‘ravel.
.
The window panes they blocked you out
Too bad glass is painted clear,
For in the end you caught a glimpse
Of each and every tainted tear.
.
Unshed -- unwed to a purpose or a reason
So much filth so deep ingested
How can I spit it out? I asked
“Be happy”, you suggested

7.20.2008

memories of a blanket

When Aslan, Grace and I were born we were each given a soft, brightly colored blanket. We have never actually called them “baby blankets”, but I suppose that that is exactly what they are.

Being the eldest I was the first I participate in what would become a tradition, my blanket was light pink with soft silkiness around the edges. I have never had a pet name for my blanket, for as long as I can remember it’s just been known as “the pink blanket”. I do believe that it might have been fondly called a “night, night” for awhile. Yes. I named by blanket Night Night… I’ve never been so good at nicknames…

Aslan’s blanket was a minty green color, also with silky edges. (The blankets were all the same type, just different colors.) His blanket won the nickname “Bashie” (pronounced Ba-She), over time. We’re not really sure where this sophisticated and seemingly unconnected named originated. We think it might have been Aslan’s way of trying to say “blanket” when he was little and it just stuck even after he learned to speak correctly.

Grace’s blue blanket, (known as "Deet De") was the last, and the most cheaply made we gradually found out. She’s actually had two blankets because the first one deteriorated so quickly and soon it looked like a spider web and so mom bought her a new one. The last I knew though, the old one was still stashed in a drawer because she loved it and didn’t want to get rid of it. As a naughty little child, I believe that her blanket was always a great aid to her the many and multiple times she escaped from her crib.

These blankets have been pals and companions. I can only speak for myself but my blanket has been a constant comfort with me throughout my twenty year life. I generally use it as a sort of free form pillow that I can shape or squish into the uncomfortable crevice between my pillow and the wall but it has served many purposes. When I’ve had stomachaches or headaches somehow laying my blanket on the painful spots helps to sooth them, this idea came from my mom telling me she use to do that with her blankie when she was little. The pink blanket has also been soaked with many tears for many reasons. Currently its’ main use is as the tool in a simple neck exercise my chiropractor insists that I do each night before I go to bed.

When my cousin Denny and I were younger we would stay up late in our old house watching taped reruns of the Batman show from the ‘60’s then we would clothespin towels, or in my case, my blanket, around our necks and run around the house on missions. I was usually Batgirl and he was Batman. I remember having many conversations with Commissioner Gordon on our back staircase, also known as Police Headquarters.

So while blankets may be for little children, I will never let my blanket go. It’s got huge holes in the middle but it’s still one of the softest and most comforting things to me. It usually goes wherever I go and I think it will probably stay that way.

7.17.2008

have you ever noticed...

...once you pass the 100 page mark, the rest of the book goes like wildfire?

I am currently reading a biography of the poetess Edna St. Vincent Millay called, Savage Beauty. It's not a book I would highly reccomend but I am enjoying it, mostly because I've never heard about her before.

I read a poem in there today that captured a bit of how I feel and why I cannot just stay in one place forever, at least not yet...

How shall I know, unless I go
To Cairo and Cathay,
Whether or not this blessed spot
Is blest in every way?
.
Now it may be, the flower for me
Is this beneath my nose;
How shall I tell, unless I smell
The Carthaginian rose?
.
The fabric of my faithful love
No power shall dim or ravel
Whilst I stay here, -but oh, my dear,
If I should ever travel!

7.15.2008

toothpastefordinner

I find this humorous: