joy

I wrote about love. Now I'll write about joy because it's next on the list. (Gal.5:22-23)

Joy does not always equal happiness. but it did for me this week. Everything hasn't been perfect but I've been happy and able to better handle things that come my way. There is an underlying cheerfulness that helps me to shy away from my cynical nature and look at things with more of a silver lining.

I like seeing the sunny side of life while still being able to be sad if I feel sad or be angry if I get upset.

Running with balloons through a field sounds like fun...

4am

Heavy words; no weight possesses
Inside out and under tresses
Make no sound my heart stay silent
Sheets of paper torn and violent

A peek inside the contradiction
Share with me your one affliction
Most say yes and one says no
Which of these is labeled “foe”?

tiny bit of random

just watched this and laughed.

cannot believe the ridiculousness of these shoes















i want to learn how to ride this

a walk in the woods on a rainy day would be great for inspiration

leadership

Sometimes it's discouraging because it seems like male leadership in Christianity is dead. But tonight my hope was renewed as I saw my fellow students stand up and recite and share things that meant a lot to them. There were some girls who shared but over all there were mostly guys sharing. It reminded me that this place, my school, is raising up leaders, to turn around the trend of men staying in the background while women take over because the men won't step up. (Deborah anyone...? Judges chapter 4.)

This was an odd post... I'm not sure how to word my happiness at this prospect of change. It's very rare indeed for me to be wordless.

Respect. I guess that might sum up how I feel right now. It was a small thing, but I respect them a whole lot.

love

I’m working to gain the fruits of the spirit. This week I focused on Love.

I’ve been looking at the way I love people; or don’t love them. How I treat them or view them. I wanted to clean out the cobwebs that had collected over my old go-to ways of loving those around me.

I looked deep and I didn’t like what I found. I am not good at loving people. I have patterns that I follow that don’t always produce the product that is pictured on the package. I love people If… I love people when… I know I don’t need those extra words, if and when.

Surprisingly reading the book about firstborns that I’ve been working on has taught me a lot about myself and why I do the things that I do. Things that I don’t always like. I know I judge people too harshly; I hold them to the standards that I hold myself to. Maybe that’s why people I love sometimes feel so discouraged by me; maybe that’s why I feel so discouraged about myself…?

I’m grieving this week over the lack of love I’ve shown. I won’t be perfect from here on out and maybe you won’t see a change but I promise you that I’m trying. I cannot change the habits of my lifetime in a moment, I wish that I could. But I can change them in time.

If I ever hurt you, please know that I am so very sorry. I am not good at loving but my God who lives within me is.

Why is it always easier to write what you want to say than to actually say it aloud to someone?

fruit & flowers

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

I want this to be the fruit of my life; what people see when they look at the things I do and say. I want them to show up ASAP. I have a mircowave mindset. But good, rich, healthy things don't come easily. For something to be worth a certain amount it has to be worked for just that much.


I recently wrote about feeling a loss of self-control. I've decided that I want it back. Its at the end of a long list of lovely qualities that I would love to posess, (see first line above). After thinking, talking and praying I've decided it's time to gain back what I've lost. Starting with Love I want to go down the list and gather these traits like flowers. I'll grow them up and make them into a bouquet to carry around with me everywhere I go. As I walk along I can hand out the flowers and head back to the garden to pick the others that I want continually to grow there.

friends

Your best friends are the people who know you.

(I’m not just talking about the one or two people you tell everything too. I am talking about the group of people that you always hang out with; the people in all your pictures; the people you goof off with.)

That may be an obvious statement but think about it… Sometimes we get tired of our friends and want to make one or two new ones, and that’s fine. But stop for a second and think about why the people who are your best friends have been given that title.

My best friends are the ones that I am comfortable with. I can be quiet around them or really loud. They love me when I am down and when I am cracking jokes, (or failing jokes as it may be). We can sit and talk for hours or ride in a car in happy silence. We have inside jokes and have taken trips together. We know each other; be it a little or a lot.

I love them because I can be myself. I’m not worried what they will think because we all love each other.

I’ve found this on a small scale in a couple of places but everyday I am amazed at the people I know here at school. I love them so much and I’m not sure what I will do without them when I have to leave. Back-home friends are wonderful but I am convinced that nothing will ever be the same as the way it is here and now at school.

I don’t like thinking about the end of the year because I won’t be leaving school. I’ll be leaving my family of the past two years.

bittersweetness

I feel like I’ve grown younger since I’ve been at school.

In some ways it’s really good. I’ve got the typical Firstborn syndrome of being responsible, serious and driven. It’s been really nice to learn to let go and have a little fun. Not freak out if some one is a little late. Learn to roll with the punches, you know? I’m not saying I’m good at it, but it’s been nice to stretch and learn. I love to learn.

But in another way I feel like I have lost a lot. I’ve lost so much that I worked so hard for. I use to be very efficient and able to stay on task. Being at school I’ve developed a mild form of ADD. I also feel like I’ve lost self-control in a lot of areas. I hate that. But I’ve found a way to make it serve me; I use to rag on people with no self-control and say that they just needed to suck it up and do such-and-such but I am at the other end of the stick now and I am learning to understand that it’s a little more difficult than I thought it was.

Hmm… just some bittersweetness that’s been on my mind today.

rejuvinate

I need to refresh and recharge. Life is just fine but I am growing weary. Simple social interactions tax me and I find myself withdrawing into a shell that I know I will not like later on.

I want to hear the sound of rain.

Read a book to rival Pride and Prejudice.

Get my hair cut because it bothers me more than you would think.

Do something artistic.

Sing a beautiful song.

Get a hug from you. It’s been a few years.

Sit and enjoy the atmosphere of a coffeehouse.

Dream big dreams again.

Smell some flowers.

These are the little things I do to refresh. To recharge I need to hang out with God.

In Christian Life we’ve been talking about Celebrating and making sure that we take time to celebrate and have joy. I think that’s what I’ve been forgetting to do. I have lots of fun with people but I’m lacking joy sometimes. I think I just need to recharge and get back on bored, then I’ll be okay. I don't like to feel like this; especially when I feel like there is no reason.

where

Most people search and pray and worry over where they are supposed to be, where God wants them to be.

I don't know what to do. I know where I'm supposed to be, but I can't be there.

I just want to scream.

good bye

I hate starting over. It's so hard.

I don't even know how to go about this. It feels like a divorce. I loved you. I gave you my heart. I wanted to help you grow, to take care of you, to be there to hug you when you were sad; to make you laugh and to teach you things.

I didn't know that I would love you this much. I've learned so many things about you in such a short time. I had plans for you... so much good.

When you wonder why I don't love you, why I just picked up and left without a good-bye; I pray that somehow you know that I miss you. Because I do. My heart aches for you and I still pray for you.

I'm not good at loving people. But I love you.

You may think I'm talking about a boy. I'm not. I miss my kids. They were actually mine this time.

scaffolding

It’s time to build some scaffolding and repair myself.

Bitterness and anger. They don’t hurt the person you direct them at, they hurt you. When you stockpile this fuel inside it slowly feeds the fire, takes over and runs your life. Even if you think that it doesn’t.

I am angry. I am bitter. I am upset. I am weary of this. I could wait for situations to change; life to change or I can go ahead and change myself. The only thing I can change is me. Or more correctly, I can choose to change and then allow God to restore me.

I love the book of James. I always end up coming back to it…

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19-20)

Can I even serve God effectively when I am angry and bitter? I think I can for awhile (by pretending and habit) but when I’ve got these weights dragging me down only one of two things will happen: I will cut them off, or I will drown.

absurd

I absolutely love this singing rabbit; there's no explanation as to why, but it makes me happy.

home on the range

I am in the mood to watch Gone with the Wind... or perhaps the more much more Humerous Version.

Today I also want to travel west and live on a ranch for a few weeks. I've had the urge to dig out a plaid shirt, put on some boots and go watch some bucking broncs while hanging on the fence.

I guess some good ol'e country music from back home will have to sufice for now.

I miss my reenacting days. Oh hoopskirt how I miss you sometimes...

music man: take 2

So I'm trying out for the Music Man tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should really be in it or not but an audition is the first step. If I get a callback then I'll have to made a decision but if I get rejected then I won't need to make a choice.

conversation of life

They say that you should end a conversation with someone while things are going really well -- is college the same way? Do I need to stick with my plan to leave, even though I've finally started to love and appreciate being here...?

a story

Someone sent me this story and I thought it was wonderful...

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. Her name was Brenda and he fell in love. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again. She simply said it wasn't possible. He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to find out that the baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us." She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter and a son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome. Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was amazed. That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children. Since then they have added two more kids. So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl from the Cedar Rapids Hy Vee? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals going to the Super Bowl. It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl's Most Valuable Player. And, of course, he has publicly claimed to be a Christian and has always given the credit for his success to Jesus Christ. Now there's how you change people's image of what a Christian is!

Cool fact: I went to church with Kurt Warner one Sunday a few years ago. :)

the harris generation

Was it actually a good idea for my generation to have Kissed-Dating-Goodbye?

I've been reading and watching people lately... (ha! Those are actually two of my most favorite pastimes.) And it seems that so far when we kissed dating goodbye we set down a very rocky path...

• Guys won't step up and ask a girl they like out on a date (for a multitude of reasons, I understand...)
• People get too serious too fast because they have been warned against the evils of the "casual date"
• Christian "singles" groups... which I really don't understand at all
• etc. etc.Theres' so much more but I need to go to bed soon.

A trend that a good friend and I noticed last semester was that guys who actually are proactive and pursue a girl they like were jokingly (or not so jokingly) refered to as a "stalker" or a "creeper". I've noticed that many girls do this. Seriously, it needs to stop. You cannot go around calling a guy a creeper just because he really likes you but you don't feel the same way. That's not nice AND you'll prolly never get asked out again. lol

Just some random thoughts on dating... goodnight!

as a woman...

The other day I was confronted with something I've never had to deal with before. Living in America and being raised by a family that said I could do anything made it even more shocking to me when I was told I couldn't do something becase I am a woman.

I have never been told that before. I was honestly livid.

I was not being particularly addressed (which in itself made me feel like I was invisible) but hearing someone say I could not do something because of who I am really sucker punched me.

I am not a feminist by any means but I do believe that men and women are equal, yet different.

To compare my tiny experieance with the likes of women being unable to vote or not allowed to follow their dreams would be ridiculous. But I found it interesting to get just a little taste of what life might have been like for women in the past.

i

I saw the last part of The Princess Diaries tonight at a friend's house. I love that movie and as we were watching it came to the scene where Mia arrives, bedraggled, to accept her role as Princess of Genovia. Her acceptance speech spoke to me.

She talked about the word "I" and how many times a day she uses it because all she is thinking about is herself.

This is true for me.

I am too busy to stop and chat. I am too shy to go and say hello. I want to go somewhere else for lunch. This is not what I want to do. I wish that I had that pair of shoes. I don't like what you have to say. I don't want to get up yet. I am weary. I already know that. I constantly think about ME...

dear God...

relearned

I'm never as alone as I think I am.

We tend to be alone because we isolate ourselves.

That short chat in class; the smile from the dorm room; the short phone call; beckoning for me to sit with you... thank you so much.

I am not alone. I am wanted.

jumble

I admire people who have passion.

A woman named Juliet, whom I've admired for some time, spoke during chapel today. She shared how her life has contained everything from drugs and prison to murder and addiction. Then she shared how God has turned her life around and is now using all of her past experiences to help her reach into the lives of other women and help them heal and overcome painful pasts with God's help. Then she sung a song I've never heard about the Alabaster box of purfume that Mary broke open and Jesus' feet and all of the feelings that must have gone along with that.

It was beautiful. Juliet didn't hit every note square on but she has a lovely voice and her's was one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a long, long time because it was raw. Her pain, joy and glory to God burst through every line and each intonation. At one part she even started dancing a bit and she was so happy.

Beautiful... why do some of us (me) have such a hard time showing our feelings and excitment about God? Maybe it's become old... mundane... stale. We don't need to strive to get back the "feelings" we had when we first became Christians but something needs to change.

I was struck today in chapel by the fact that the world's future pastors, youth ministers and such were nodding off while we spoke of God at this Christian College but when the speaker mentioned a favorite Football Star there were cheers and much awakening... Why do we get so excited about things that really don't matter very much...?

I do it too. For sure. But I want to know... why?

21 memories

For my 21 birthday I wanted to look back and share... (in no particular order)

1. Going to South Dakota with my brother’s Boy Scout group is one of my fondest memories! We camped, hiked, went to Mt. Rushmore and played a lot of cards. There are too many little memories about this trip to write down… the entire thing was wonderful.

2. On a warm summer day Anna and I road her family’s lawn mower about a mile down a cornfield to a stream. Across the stream was an island we named Skull Island (I cannot remember why, but I’m sure it was for dramatic purposes). We crossed the “bridge” (a fallen tree trunk) and explored. As I was exploring I stepped in what appeared to be sinking sand/mud and the harder I tried to get out the more my boot got sucked in. Trying to pull it out made my hip want to come out of it’s socket. Anna finally saved me though… and my boot.

3. When I was 9 or so, my best friend Molly and I made a singing group called The Sparkle Girls and wrote and recorded our own songs. We wanted so much to be stars…

4. As the Maid of Honor I stand on the stage and hear Cannon in D begin. As I look down the aisle I see one of my best friends of the past 9 years in a white dress wearing a beautiful smile as she looks at her groom. In that moment I am so happy for her, my heart almost bursts. Instead a huge smile blooms on my face and stays there throughout the ceremony – even as I cry happy tears for her.

5. Anne and I are both ridiculous and when I think of her I think of the nights we’d lay in our beds talking until far too early and laughing hysterically about the silliest things!

6. I remember flying to visit my Grandparents when they lived in New Mexico. I would put on tea parties with Mini Middles and the neighbor boys. And I would get little bottles of Twister from the garage for lunch. Gramps and I used to make snow men in the backyard and I would ride around them pretending they were the postman.

7. Jenny Yip is my Swedish Pen Pal. We met on a chat forum for the movie Gone with the Wind. Our mutual love of Gone with the Wind brought us together but many other things kept us together. Once she came here to visit me for two weeks. I love having a friend in another country!

8. When I was 10 I would help Gramps tend the backyard garden in my rubber boots and one piece swimming suit! (The pictures are hilarious!)

9. A few years ago my family took a weekend trip to St. Louis. We visited the arch and road down the river on a wonderful riverboat. I was sick that weekend but it was so wonderful to take a trip to someplace new with my family.

10. Libraries are special places to me. I grew up in them. I have many memories of rushing through the library to pick up a long awaited book. Or staying there for hours browsing or sitting in a back corner to read as the rain hit the windows.

11. I have an amazing friend who once took me for a surprise picnic at the Falls because he knew I’d been stressed and he wanted to help in any way that he could…

12. CIY was the highlight of my summer once we attended Martelle Christian Church. But one summer I was stupid and ended up spraining my ankle. I went to the ER in a 50 passenger bus and ended up in a wheelchair for the rest of the week. During that week Jacob was my protector and provider… He wheeled me around, brought me ice for my ankle and stood in countless Subway lines to get me lunch. Thank you Jacob.

13. Becoming a member of the “Ninja Nauts” my freshman semester in college was incredible. It introduced me to some of the closest friends I have at school. We had great times getting together to practice or just heading to Shakes (yes, Grant. I remember the incident with the straw…!). I love you guys.

14. I remember I use to write in my journal and pray to God every night that He would make me a professional figure skater… I’m so glad that didn’t work out!!!

15. Dancing is something that I ADORE. I’ve been doing vintage dances from the Civil War era for 8 or 9 years and it’s been splendid. Recently I’ve gotten to experience the thrills of Swing and other ballroom dances… I want to dance forever.

16. I love to talk with my brother. We get off on rants, on random rabbit trails and also often end up being serious. We have what my fake brother RJ likes to call “$5 conversations” because he thinks they are so silly/funny/weird that people would pay $5 for a copy of them on a CD.

17. My best friend has a beautiful way with words. Abbie has sent me “just because” cards at school and has left me little notes in my room after she has spent the night… and all these little notes make me feel so special and like she’s given me a beautiful part of herself.

18. Alysha and I have great memories every time we do anything together. She is my sister. I will always think of you Alysha whenever I hear a Taylor Swift song.

19. My 19th birthday Anna and Melissa planned a surprise party for me. I had NO IDEA! This is amazing because it is really hard to surprise me. I am good at knowing what is going on.;)

20. I was really under pressure at school last semester. I wanted to run away and quit. I was talking/crying to Patrick about wanting to go home one night and he said, “Why don’t we?” After that we made the plans and made a wonderful surprise visit home. That’s one of the best things anyone has ever done for me. Thank you Patrick.

21. There are so many talks I’ve had with so many people… I know that’s not a memory but it is one of the things I remember the most.

If you have any memories to share, then please go ahead and share them! :)

sparrow

I was sitting in the living room reading this morning when I stopped to look out the back window at all of the birds flying around. Suddenly one of them hit the window. I got up to see if he had flown off or had fallen and I saw him lying in the snow on the back pourch.

His leg was stuck out at a funny angle and his beack was open wide as his little body moved up and down from the hard inhale and exhale of his breath. I sat down on the floor by the window to watch him and I cried.

I wish I could save him but there is nothing I can do. Of all the things I hate in this world one of the things I hate the most is the sense of powerlessness and lack of control when I cannot fix things and make them better or different. When I cannot save something or someone.

Update: He's okay! He's okay! I just wanted him hop away! :)

two brilliant brits

Snipits of two of my favorite poems. They are both wonderful, go find and read them wholly.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
-She Walks in Beauty, Lord Byron

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.
-The Lady of Shalott, Alfred Lord Tennyson

odd

Have you ever known something for so long that you forget other people don't know it...?

bones

I hugged you yesterday
And my arms felt almost empty
Your bones I held instead of you
Someone tell me what to do

Why can I help mere strangers
But not the ones I’ve loved?
It’s been another year and
There’s less and less of you my dear

They tell me what they think of you
And how I ought to help
Don’t they know my heart is breaking?
Do they feel my dry tears aching?

I have the knowledge
The information from the books
But your life is not a hardbound copy
This ink and paper got more than sloppy

Old and dear friend
Why won’t you let me help?
Your bones I held instead of you
Someone please tell me what to do…

thin man

I've discovered that I have a '30's and '40's sense of humor. How odd... I rather like it.

elizabeth

I have an acquaintance named Elizabeth. I would love to call her a friend but sadly I’ve never been able to spend much time with her. She comes and goes, popping up in my life when I least expect it.

Elizabeth is somewhere in her thirties. She has a quiet spirit but knows how to have fun; sometimes her face bears a mischievous smile and her eyes always sparkle. Most of the times I talk with her are at the old fashioned dances where she happily wears the “TV Western” dresses that she and her sisters love to sew to dance in. To me she is the embodiment of a lifetime past, a beautiful, slower world where cows are hand milked, wool is spun; generations live together and share wisdom as well as laughter.

Elizabeth has Mennonite roots and currently lives on a family farm that’s over one-hundred years old. She and her sisters and brothers are working side by side making plans to breathe life back into their family heritage there.

She is a sweetheart, making people feel loved and welcome. Posessing much wisdom she shares but doesn’t throw it at you. She slowly offers her experiences and life lessons, making them so appealing that you would love to gather them all up and store them away in little boxes to look at whenever you please.

To me she has the air of someone who might have had a tragic romance in the past. But perhaps I let my imagination runaway with me.

Lest you think Elizabeth is stuck in the past you should know that she has a teaching degree and has been mentoring and mothering her classes as a professional teacher. Elizabeth strikes me as a woman who has the brain of Madam Curie, the wisdom and wit of Eleanor Roosevelt and the adventurous heart of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

I wish I knew her better.

reflections on a mr. button

Tonight we went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I absolutely loved this movie. It was a beautiful and tragic celebration of life and it made me think about a million different things.

In the movie Benjamin meets many people that are only there for a short time and stand as a snapshot in his life. They are there for a moment but that moment is only captured and sustained through his memories of them. Sitting in the semi-dark theater with good friends on either side of me I began to wonder about my life…

As Benjamin continues through his life he does many and varied things. Meeting people he will love deeply, who leave a lasting impression; and others who were there for a moment but won’t be forgotten. Each of these people helps to shape his story. This is true of myself. The people that I’ve known, interacted with and lived with have helped to shape me into who I am.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have my own identity but am instead a compilation of all the others that I have talked with and who have shared their stories with me.

I sometimes feel like an empty shell that is filled up with the nectar of other people’s lives.

I like doing this because it feels rich and lovely like holding a favorite, old book, battered with love in your hands. But at the same time I am tired of being a holding tank. I want to live life too. I want to have stories and wisdom to share with others, to fill them up and to leave a snapshot of myself behind when I go.

Near the end of the movie Benjamin talks about living a life you will be proud of and having the strength to start over again if you haven’t done that. I can do that.

questioning

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. -Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail

Hmm... the writers must have been reading my journal... or peering into my heart?

another case of feminism gone wrong?

Faint heart never won fair lady.... - Miguel De Cervantes

Why is it that the girls nowadays seem to have all of the courage?

a step back

The timeless truth is ever present
But Mercy buried it with the distance.
Delight did dim and its replacement?
Disappointment, silence grim.

Once girly frills and laughing eyes
Quite content to sit and smile.
Now cold rooms and no good-byes
She tried to sit and sing awhile.

Please tell me what I’ve done! She cried,
Sadly no answer lies within her ear.
There’s nothing you can do, he said
She grew up and slowly disappeared.

old person

Old people can be just as interesting as new people, but in a different way. They are interesting because you can think you know everything about them but you only know as much as they have shared with you.

How many people walk through our lives and we don’t think to ask them more about themselves. Ask them why they like t-shirts vs. button ups. Why they rarely make eye contact. Why their favorite color is pink. What their strangest thought of the day was…

How many people walk through your life and don’t know you?

We spend so much time with the people that we think we know the most, but what if those people are the ones we know the least because we’ve stopped “getting to know” them? Maybe they are lonely. Maybe you are lonely. Maybe we need to take a step back, enjoy being with each other but also dig a little deeper… maybe I should ask again.

Sometimes I get tired of being the one with all the questions. But maybe people don’t ask because they think I tell them everything…?

new person

New people can be very exciting to me. I love my friends and the people that I am close to; but new people are like presents waiting to be unwrapped. They are ripe with the possibility that you may have a shared experience; a love of the same book; the chance of a funny moment to start off your friendship and always remember. Its also the chance to learn so much about someone; about humans.

I love meeting new people who are interested in everything and as interested in you as you are in them. It’s wonderful when everyone feels comfortable and happy to be hanging out. Its one of my favorite things.

to wait

I’m impatient. We are impatient.

I want it now. I don’t want to wait to hear back from you; wait to get somewhere; wait for the weekend. We want everything now.

But is it really that important?

Not so very long ago people waited and were perfectly fine with it because that’s what they had always done. I sometimes feel that if I don’t get the answer now, the information now, solve the problem now then things will not be right. But in most instances waiting will not hurt anything. Sometimes it improves the situation.

I’m learning to slow down and wait. And it’s not the horrible lesson that I thought it would be.

Sometimes I worry that I am too psychologically minded… this may sound stupid, but it causes a lot of problems.

What to do… what to do…

a day at home

Today has been a nice day around the house. I've been baking Christmas cookies, helping babysit a neighbor's adorable baby, knitting and listening to a lovely song about moms.

god of this city

I've been thinking a lot about a possible mission trip to NYC this summer and this song keeps sticking in my head. I love it...

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this
City Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this
City Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

(Just think of all the people...)

out of rope

I’ve never had to ask and trust for anything before. There have always been parents and grandparents to provide things. Food to eat, a lovely home to live in and clothes to wear.

But I’m getting older. I need some stuff and I just can’t get it.

I’ve been stressing and worrying and planning… but there’s nothing I can do. I get frustrated when I can't find a way around things or find a way to fix them. (that's my Bever side coming out - heh)

For the past few weeks I’ve been kind of lamenting the fact that I don’t have to trust God for anything but now I do so I guess this will be a test. He may say “no” and not give me what I think I need but I know that somehow, in some way he will step in and do something. I’m trusting here… and yes, its probably because I’ve already done everything else I could but that’s when trust tends to happen, right? When you’re at the end of your rope...?

the velveteen rabbit

I use to love this story when I was little. Something tonight reminded me of it and so I listened to it again and it was lovely. Give it a listen, or go ahead and read it yourself:

Text: The Velveteen Rabbit

Audio

The Velveteen Rabbit Part 1

The Velveteen Rabbit Part 2

The Velveteen Rabbit Part 3

It's so lovely! Please go enjoy it!

no strings attatched

Being sersious can be a good thing. But when every action and decision has the possibility to become a breeding ground for stress, drama, guilt, perfectionism and strain then I think we've gone too far.

I've always been a very "do it by the rules" kind of person. I tend to get stressed because sometimes I don't know what the rules are. And if I know them I strain so hard to follow them that I trudge through piles of guilt and stress when I fail.

But what if my whole theory is skewed?

Abundant life that Christians are offered to walk in doesn't sound like it includes stress and guilt yet these are the things I struggle with. Has it come down to Christians judging people more harshly than God ever does? I guess we'll see. But I've seen people who follow God yet don't agonize over every choice and they are so much happier and I think make a better impact for God.

I want to be one of those people. So here I go...

problem girl

(This song yes... but I don't get why the bear pictures with it?)

Does it really have to be this big of a deal?

I don’t want to be a problem.

I’m supposed to be your new sister. I already feel like you don’t want me and I’m not even there yet.

I’m sorry, okay.

But honestly, I think you are acting ridiculous.

Thanks so much for giving me such a hearty and warm welcome…

good things today

• Starbucks with my dear, dear MaryAnna
• $4.40 boots that rock... thrift stores are the best
• learning how to eat a pomegranate with Alysha
• (jokingly) signing up for eHarmony and getting a hit within 20 minutes
• watching Rudolf with the family
• lovely roses from a sweetheart of a friend
• blueberry begal with strawberry cream cheese
• driving alone with music
• Ahna's artwork

things I discovered in the last 3 hours

I am so sheltered...

My life has been so easy

My life has been so boring

Maybe I'm a good listener because I've got nothing interesting to say

I don't know why I'm a Christian (when asked my mind goes blank)

Why do I believe all this?

What you've been looking for for years can be right in front of you. Literally.

I have no idea how to relate to someone who is not a Christian. That's pathetic.

I'm confused.

Sunday school answers don't cut it in the real world

I have so much to learn.

Philly

I'm all about new experiences. I like to go new places and experience new things. In the book I'm currently reading, Irresistible Revolution, the author talks a lot about his travels and also his home in Philadelphia called The Simple Way. While reading this book I've gone back and forth between agreeing with him and disagreeing with him. He is very big on peace, love and joy but I wonder if he takes it too far. Maybe my mind is just too narrow because I've never worked to push it beyond the limits of my upbringing, biases and presuppositions.

That's why I would like to visit.

After talking with my parents the other night I've started to think of things to do with my life. I want to write but I'm not sure what to write about. I want to travel, but I'm not sure where to go. The people at The Simple Way community continually invite people to visit them and see what is happening. And I want to go. Not right now but I definitley want to keep it in mind as somewhere to visit and write about once I'm done with school. I've never considered Philly... but I'm kinda excited.

It's 1000 miles away though... Hmm.

diverged

Safety first, I tell myself lies
Practicality implies
This logic is a pathetic attempt at comfort

In hands my head will rest
There’s such an ache inside my chest
Where can I find the answers for these questions?

Two places I call my own
The hearts that have all become my home
How do I decide which faces to pack?

My peace of mind all but erodes
These are my two diverged roads
Mr. Frost they are both excessively traveled, I feel no difference here

irresistible revolution

"There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God’s call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose. And they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their first and those of the people they live among. Both lead to emptiness and burnout." -Shane Caliborne

big brother

Alyssa & Brent
I've always wanted an older brother.

Today I was hanging out with everyone and I realized that if I had an older brother I would want him to be just like Brent!

Brent is the husband of a good friend of mine. He's silly, wise, talented and kind-hearted. He and Alyssa are so lovely together! But I envy my best friend because he is now her brother-in-law! (And one day soon she will also get Curtis too!)

Now I'm wishing I had an older sister so I'd at least have the chance of one day getting an older bro...

the point

Do you ever have those moments where you're like... umm... pretty sure I missed it.

Not the bus. Not dinner... the Point.

I feel like that's where I'm at. Here I am, in the Bible Belt of the USA, surrounded by the next generation of pastors, youth ministers and Christian counselors and I feel like I have no idea... about any of this.

I know the facts. Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. The Ten Commandments (though I must admit sometimes I like the Charlton Heston version better). Words like wittnessing, redemption, apologetics and salvation are a typical part of my vocabulary. But what's the point?

<---- I'm reading this new book (up there) and its making me think. {Which I love.} It's making me ask myself what I'm doing. I'm dinking around here BS-ing book reports and worrying about drama while some of my friends are actually out there living life and living God and I am envious.

I don't know how.

Some people use the term "spiritual journey" and I feel like thats where I'm at. I'm moving towards something but I'm not there yet. I'm moving towards a better grasp and understanding of what it means to be a Christian. Some times I feel like I get it.

But today; I know that I don't.

I feel like I'm starting at the bottom. My hands are empty and its dark out. You might think that I would be discouraged to be back at the beginning. But no -- its actually quite refreshing.

I feel like I'm allowed to peel away the onion-like skin of dried up arguments, hurtful experiences and continued annoyances with the church/Christianity. I'm looking for what's underneath; the heart of the matter. What DOES a Christian look like? Do? Say?

Don't quote any scripture at me yet, please... Just let me think about it for awhile.

But then you start to think there must be more to Christianity, more than just laying your life and sins at the foot of the cross. I came to realize that preachers were telling me to lay my life at the foot of the cross and weren't giving me anything to pick up. -Shane Claiborne, Irresistible Revolution

humanity: an hors d'oeuvre

I whine and complain about people but you know what, in the end I really do like them. Being here at school I’ve met some very interesting people. Actually, the fact is that I meet interesting people all over the place. Mostly I just love to know their stories…

Rebecca- We have the sweetest lady here at school. She’s caught between being young and looking old. It’s a rough sort of old, the kind that tells you life has been on the harder side. But her spirit has not wrinkled; you can tell by her eyes. She always has a smile and a quiet hello for anyone who is interested enough to catch her eye as they walk by. She and I have never talked over ten minutes at one time but the thought of her makes me smile and appreciate her quiet service day after day cleaning our bathrooms.

Hers is just one story that I like to think about… She got married this past spring to our security guard here at school. They are lovely together. I wish I knew her better.

I could spend my life sitting and listening to people tell me why they are who they are. The best part is, they tell so much of it without using words... and they don't even know!

lonely

The unthinkable has happened.

In the company of a book I was lonely. (Am lonely)

Maybe it is time for me to go home for good…

too many hands

On one hand I want to end this part of my life. Pack up at the end and leave without looking back.

On one hand I want to stay here and keep plodding along because this place is safe.

On one hand I think I am supposed to be here.

On one hand I want to go home because I'm weary of all of this.

On one hand I'm afraid of going home and being "trapped" there.

On one hand I want to throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams. But that is impractical.

On one hand I know what I need to do. On the other hand, I am so unsure.

I have all of the questions and none of the answers. Why can't You just be clear?

spine

I need to grow a spine. Lately I've let myself be pressured and coerced by people. If I didn't want to do something I would do it anyway just so they wouldn't be upset with me. If I had something to say I wouldn't say it because it took too much effort or too many people would disagree with me.

But I miss doing what I want and not caring what people think.

Sometimes the not-caring-what-people-thing thing can be taken too far in either direction. We need to be sensitive to people but we also can't let others have the run of our lives.

anger

James 1:19-21
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

I usually get angry for two reasons. 1) I am hurt but I cannot show it/don't know how and so I get extremely angry instead. 2) People do something that I think is wrong and I get upset because for some reason I think I should be able to control them... neither of these things are beneficial. The last one might be on some occasions but not to the extreme that I sometimes take it.

So what to do?

My game plan: take more notice of my frequent anger and begin to gain better control over it. Question if what is making me angry is really worth it, or if its even any of my buisness. And about being hurt; find a different, more healthy way to express pain than shutting someone out.

where was i?

"What happened to the girl I fell in love with?" - we both wondered.

Where did I go for three months...? It's strange how you can change and not even know it. But I did know it, at least I felt it in a quiet, sad place... I knew that I was not myself.

I was holding back on my honesty

Constant complaining and negetivity overrides your good parts if you induldge in it

Really caring about people ceased to matter because I didn't make the time

I became a cynical, ugly, unlovely version of myself and I'm not going to stand for it. There is no reason that I should allow myself to become that way. My soul is refreshed everyday in God, there are people who love me even when I am the most unpleasent person imaginable, I am healthy and with all of that I still allowed myself to slip into a pit of selfishness and wallow there.

Its inexcusable and that means I am going to change.

tuesday morning

Today is one of those very strange and far apart days where I actually enjoy being awake in the morning. Usually I am a Night Owl hands down but occasionally there is a morning that just makes me glad to be up and about.

Usually these days come in the fall because it’s so crisp, beautiful and cool that I want to be out and about instead of lying in bed. I would be taking a nap at this time since I didn’t sleep well last night and I don’t have class for another two hours but instead I am sitting here in the caf enjoying a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and writing about it…

I wish I could be sitting at a little sidewalk café, a green tea frappuccino on the wrought-iron table next to my laptop and stack of books, (of course!). Sounds like a lovely way to spend such a beautifully dreary day. It would greatly refresh my soul and spirit.

christmas

I thought it was time that I write about something happy…

Christmas!

Maybe I should be all Christian and write about how much Christmas means to me because Jesus was born… but…. Yeah… no. Sorry.

Personally one reason I love Christmas is because it gives me a strange "back-in-time" feeling. We’ve all celebrated Christmas through the years and it connects all of the time periods that I wish I could have been a part of. There’s the WWII Christmases represented to me by “White Christmas”, “Holiday Inn” and “It’s A Wonderful Life”. The Civil War Christmases brought to me by Louisa May Alcott. And of course, my own fun Christmas memories of having my own twinkle lights in my window, helping dad decorate the house and yard with thousands of lights (yes, we sometimes make Christmas Vacation references), and baking lots of cookies.

This is not the only reason I like Christmas, it's just one side of the dice...

parts of the whole

Time used to be such a precious commodity but now I have too much of it and I don’t know what to do with it…
***
I’ve been reading so much about multiple personality disorders lately that I’ve grown to have an unhealthy wish of having one myself. I use to wonder if I had multiple personalities when I first got to school. I’ve always been a “moody” person and all of my pieces didn’t always fit together so well…

I can't remember most of my life from ages 10-15... it's a very strange feeling. I can only see snapshots of a life.

I still don’t really have an answer.

But I do work on ways to blend myself together into one person. I can’t tell for sure if it’s working, I don't think I’ve never “lost time” (except for that teenage weirdness mentioned above) so I’m pretty sure I don’t have any other personalities. Mine is just… unstable.
***
I find myself standing back at times, watching myself. I don’t always like what I see. Other times I do. I made progress this summer but when I got back to school I let go of everything I’d worked for.

I don’t think school is good for me.

It’s fake. And so I am fake.

I’m trying to find reasons to stay. But the reasons to go are mounting.

But I don’t want to leave.

Because I’m afraid

What is there after school…?

What is the next logical step

very much alone

I put all of my eggs in one basket and now here I am, sitting alone in my room because I didn't stick to the rules I gave myself at the beginning.

back to lists

Five things in my bag/purse

• 12 kinds of chapstick/lipgloss
• digital camera
• iPod
• almonds (my boss swears they are fermented)
• an old straw paper

Five favorite things in my room (here at school):

• laptop
• old cups and vases
• BOOKS
• bamboo sheets
• my scents

Five Things I’m Currently Into:

• Gilmore Girls
• A Fine Frenzy
• blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese
• collecting old glasses and vases
• books about multipule personality disorders

Five Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do:

• write a book
• travel the WORLD
• become a proficient swing dancer
• have a library with a fireplace
• know what to do with the future

no words

what am i doing here?

sick

Everytime I get sick I start reflecting on my life. At first I'm all angry at my body, wondering how it could betray me this way but then I stop to think about what kind of fuel and care I've been giving it.

Late nights, stress, soda instead of water or juice, greasy fries and pizza instead of helpful veggies and fruits... its no wonder my body shuts down sometimes. Not that eating right and sleeping will keep me safe from all illness, but its gotta help! Regular exercise will as well.

So, starting a few days ago I've been trying to take better care of myself. I've only got one body and I'm slowly weakening it as much as any smoker just by feeding it crap and never letting it workout.

Go eat a carrot and run a mile. You may not like it at first, but later on you'll be glad you did.

runaway : give up

When I come up against problems that I don't know how to solve my first impulse is to runaway. My simultanious impulse is to give up.

I've been afraid of this my whole life.

Afraid that I'm a quitter; that I manipulate excuses so I can give up when the going gets tough. I've started to make myself stick things out, stay when its hard. That's why I'm still at school. That's why I finally held down a job this summer... and its been good for me.

But now I'm afraid that I've gone too far and won't give up when I need to.

Am I clinging to this because its the "right" thing to do? It doesn't feel healthy, I am hurting... and covering it with anger - as usual. Is this a form of "abuse"? Or is that too harsh a word?

...

Side note: I am tired of doing all of this work with my head. I want to use my hands for something. A sewing project, photography, painting... whatever. I got to paint last week and it was so good for my soul. I think we all need a creative outlet now and then. Whether its writing, making music or pottery. There's something in us, at least in me, that NEEDS to make something beautiful from time to time. Do it.

to forgive

Forgiving is rather selfish

There’s something about forgiving someone that really makes you feel better. You’ve been stewing, harboring anger, hurt and poison inside wishing that there was a way to inject the other person with your hurt. But you step back, acknowledge the hurt and decide to move on and forgive them for the tiny mistake that they made.

Especially after all that you’ve done and all of the things that God, and other people have forgiven you for…

You have been wronged and yet you feel so humble to be forgiving them. “Forgiving” is such a big, heavy word. It seems like such a big thing to do. Like the word should be saved for murderers and politicians (heh) instead of for small offences that sting. But in the end it’s all the same. You still have to forgive.

I forgive you. I love you.

THIS is not worth Us.

on my mind

I actually have a little bit of time right now to write but there is nothing predominately on my mind. That makes me sad. At home I always have ideas, discussions or something artistic going on inside of my head. But here it's like there's too much in there to extract any single concept for consideration. It's exhausting really.

I've found that I tend to define myself based on what I am thinking or mulling over, so who am I when my mind is too full to think? Hmm...

introvert

So I'm here in Dallas, Texas for a meeting of the America Association of Christian Counselors this weekend. First of all, I love Dallas but I'm really sad that we can't wander more and look around.

Secondly, I am going crazy. I am an introverted person; this means that I recharge by being alone. Alone as in AWAY from other PEOPLE. Trying to get away alone is nearly impossible. A six hour trip in a van with 9 other people, sharing a hotel room with three other girls, spending all day with hundreds of people in rooms at the Hilton... my only escape so far as been the bathroom. Sometimes I seriously run in there and just lean against the wall and breathe to try and get some balance.

I never realized how inconvenient being introverted really is. You lucky extroverts can usually find people to be with anywhere and at any time but for us introverts it can be so hard to get away...

I know that I need time alone because today I have been cranky, angry, annoyed, sad, upset and feeling sick. I also feel really trapped. This is how I feel when I cannot get some time alone.

Praise the Lord, I was able to hang out for a teeny tiny bit alone in the room and write this post. But the girls are back from swimming now *sigh* so I'll end this because my mind just exploded again.

now

This past weekend has been such a refreshment. To be at home, outside of the Ozark bubble, back in the real world. No where in the real world is there a caf that you all gather at. No where is there a student center where you check your mail and hang out. College is fake life.

Fake life won't help you live in the real world.

What is the real world? You may be wondering. To me, the real world is a job, friends from all around, not just your campus, getting involved with church (because at school you don't have time!), growing friendships gradually instead of being thrown together and pretending you are so close.

I've also seen how pointless my life is lately. Hanging out with Patrick and my other friends is great but what am I DOING? Who am I helping? I go to youth group twice a week but is anything getting accomplished? I need to step it up.

They talked about missions and stuff in chapel today and it inspired me. I am inspired to get up and get moving again. I came to school this year with passion, happiness, love... and now I'm bitter, complaining and weary. This is not abundant life. There are people out there suffering and I am whining about living in a dorm and having tons of food and clothing... it's time to change. I'm not sure how, but I know when; NOW.

trust

So, writing is my addiction, once I start its hard to stop…

I have never seen myself as someone who has “trust issues”. But we’re most blind to faults in ourselves right? It’s a lot easier to see the faults in other people.

I assume that trusting is something that I am good at, but I’m wrong. I don’t like to trust because that means giving up control. I have come to realize that having control is a big thing to me. I want to be the one picking the restaurant; I want to be the one driving so I can leave when I want to; I want to spend my money as I see fit; I want to be in charge of pretty much everything.

Part of this desire for control may be attributed to the fact that I am a first born and have always been a leader for my siblings. And I think it may also just be part of my personality type. Those things are fine but when it comes down to taking control instead of trusting God, I’ve got problems.

Some major changes are coming along and instead of giving them to God my first impulse is to try and solve them, to try and change them to how I think they should be. I have grown up thinking, “If I can just find the right formula or the perfect solution, then I can fix the problem!” and sometimes that works but other times, I cannot fix it. And oddly enough, at those times I feel like I have failed.

Today I woke up with the realization that I don’t lean on God like I should. If I am sad I take it to other people instead of God. Its easier for me because they are THERE. I can see them, touch them, hear them… but maybe I could “feel” God more if I spent more time with Him and learned to recognize Him just like seeing my friends across campus.

I don’t know… let’s chalk this post up to mid-morning ramblings… there’s really no conclusion yet

a moment of rest

So I’ve got some down time… the school library is closed, my man is at work and my roommate and I are at Starbucks. I love coffeehouses! The ambience isn’t the only part I enjoy, especially around here where I see fellow Ozark students wherever I go. Its been cool to sit here and observe life as the people flow in and out with cups filled with various concoctions.

Being here makes me happy. Its slow, its artistic, its an aspect of life that I love in slow motion.

I miss being able to do stuff like this whenever I want. I miss the freedom of having a car to be able to take off and get a group together or just go somewhere alone. I never realized how blessed I was at home to have access to the family cars pretty much whenever I wanted.

…

So I got interrupted because, true to coffeehouse form, a friend walked in, sat down and we struck up a conversation. I don’t want this to be just another complaining entry but I want to voice how sad it makes me that we have so little time to get to know those around us. With juggling classes, then loads of homework, jobs, sleep (when we can!) and significant others it gets harder and harder to build deep relationships with the wonderful people around you. If you're not careful they are "just those people I eat lunch with" or "Those guys I had a class with Freshman year"...

I’ve really missed that deepness this week. I want to sit down and debate or discuss a subject that has a deeper impact on life than the lunch menu for that week in the caf. I want to call my best friend and talk the night away like we use to do. To drive down the highway headed towards the home of a friend where we can bake cookies together and enjoy the smell of almond flavoring together. (Its amazing! You should smell it).

But over all I have missed this. This part of my life that helps me feel full and whole, or organize my thoughts and to express the things that fester inside of me. This beautiful world where words rule and I can ramble about things that I care about. I love to write.

I also miss God. But I have to leave Starbucks now. So I’ll finish this thought the next time I can… hopefully that time will come soon.

homesick? or heartsick?

Every semester I just keep wondering if college is really for me. I love being with the people and learning new things but its just too much…

Everything is too fast, too loud, too funny, too serious…

You would think I’d feel more in control at school, away from authorities, making my own decisions. But I feel like I have less control here than anywhere else. And I’m going absolutely crazy. My skin is crawling with the urge to get out.

I went to a good friend’s house last night and it was wonderful. Relaxing and homey. A space of her own. I miss that. Right now I would give just about anything to get out of here and back to the real world. I always start out liking it here but then I slowly realize that I don’t think this is for me.

I wish God would show me what to do. I am so lost. He is not far from me, but he is so quiet. I see in other people’s lives how things are opening up for them and opportunities arise… I’m waiting for that while trying to be proactive but there is nothing.

I am three months away from my 21st birthday and I feel like I am wasting my life…

ache

I really miss writing… it’s like I’ve been holding my breath for a long while. Maybe someday soon I’ll have time to produce something of at least a little substance…

personality test

Beaver
You scored 50% Otter, 53% Lion, 78% Beaver, and 47% Golden Retriever!

"How was that done in the past?"

You're a beaver. Beavers tend to be intellectually busy, always questioning why things are the way they are, and how stuff works. You think logically, and tend to be less emotional. You may be very organized, putting things where you know you'll be able to find them later, or use an "inner filing system" to record experiences. Beavers like to take things apart... and take people apart as well, making them some of the toughest critics. They set high standards for others, and themselves.

In relationships, beavers are advised to avoid the spontaneous, risk taking otter. They don't always understand each other very well. Instead, they are advised to pair up with a laid back Golden Retriever or an adventurous Lion.

Check out which personality type you are: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-animal-personality-test

so there's this boy...

He’s sweet; focused on God; makes me laugh; dances with me and LIKES it; puts up with my randomness; isn’t afraid to call me out on stuff and set me straight; doesn’t make me listen to ‘80’s music in his car (yet); makes me smile just by seeing him across the room; walks me to class or up to my dorm; sits with me even if we don’t have anything to say; amazes me with his musical talents; says cheesy things to me, but they aren’t cheesy because I know he means it; a hard worker; a practical joker; passionate about what he wants to do for God; nerd – he revived the one in me too; there’s more… but I think you should probably just meet him. You’ll like him… I do. He's my boyfriend. :-D

no thief

I am continually amazed at how well Relient K songs describe my life... sometimes it's uncanny. Of course, I suppose music is supposed to speak to us and identify with our lives... otherwise, we wouldn't be so attatched to it.

only when i'm breathing

You know that whole thing where you tell God you will never do this, you will never do that, and then you end up right where you said you'd never be?

I said for 6 years that I would never go to college...
I am currently living and attending classes at Ozark Christian College.

I said I would never do youth ministry again...
My only ministry in Joplin so far as been in a youth group (and I love it!).

I said that this would be my last year of college and then I was heading to Europe...
I finally listened to God and now I am finally open to His direction, Europe now or Europe later. (I know I WILL get there someday.)

Sometimes I wonder if I've deluded myself all these years - about many things - and my life will end up looking NOTHING like I've always thought it would. You know what, if it happens, I think I might be okay with it...

I keep lists, so many lists, and I hold them up as the guidlines as to what I should accomplish in my life. But the past week or so has seriously made me take a look at my lists and think again. You cannot condense the life you haven't lived yet into a list. Maybe it's time to rip them all up and start to live for real. Reality cannot be plotted out in a list.

I think I need to let go of control. Learn to be kinder, more vulnerable, more real. Living is not surviving, it's LIFE.

Now I am here wondering what else have I denied that will come back to me?

Life has never gone according to my plans... you would think that after 20 years I would have learned something... right? I hope I am finally learning this once and for all, because I'm weary and I can't take much more of this!

God... where are you?

Why can't I do anything right...?

I can't hear you.

I need you.

Help me.

Please.

I don't want to be me anymore.

community

Community and I have a love/hate relationship.

I hate living in a close knit community because you’re with the same people all the time and it can become stifling if you cannot get away (because you don’t have a car or whatnot). But on the other hand, I love living in a community because those people that are always around become your closest friends, and even a part of your family sometimes. When you’re hurting you don’t have to be alone you just have to be brave enough to reach out. When you’re confused about something you just have to walk to the next room or across campus and sit down and talk with someone. When you want to laugh and have fun you just grab a few people and go…

I want to focus on the love part today. I’ve been making an effort for the past 7 weeks or so to be more positive. It’s going well and perhaps that why God is enabling me to usually see the silver lining on everything…

Anyway, lately I feel like God has been telling me to get all I can out of being here. Not just out of the people but out of the school work too. I’m exerting effort to have a better attitude towards my school work this semester, since that’s the reason that I am actually here.

Today I have that strange feeling that at any moment someone might pull the rug right out from under me; it wouldn’t be too surprising since God likes to do that but it’s making me a little anxious because I like to know what’s coming. So yeah, I’m trying to soak up all I can from the people around me and the information that I am steeped in daily.

That’s just a tiny update on my life for ya’ll… whoever reads this, I don’t actually know…

robin hood

So I have this crazy addiction to Disney's animated version of Robin Hood - yeah, the one with the fox - and this song was in my head and I just love it so I wanted to post it because it's short, sweet and I like it a lot. (It's from the movie, if you didn't catch that fact)

Love
It seems like only yesterday
You were just a child at play
Now you're all grown up inside of me
Oh, how fast those moments flee

Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on

Love will live
Love will last
Love goes on and on and on

Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on

a lucky man... ?

For my hermeneutics class I am reading a book called “Reading the Bible with Heart and Mind” by Tremper Longman III and today while I was reading I ran across a story I really liked:

***

This gentleman has a farm. He loves the old-fashioned way of doing things, so he doesn’t have any mechanical equipment and plows his fields with a horse. One day as he was plowing his field, the horse dropped dead. Everyone in the village said, “Gee, what an awful thing to happen.” He just responded, “We’ll see.” He was so at peace and so calm that we all got together and, because we admired his attitude so much, gave him a new horse as a gift. Then everyone’s reaction was, “What a lucky man.” And he said, “We’ll see.” A few days later the horse, being strange to his farm jumped a fence and ran off, and everyone said “Oh, poor fellow.” He said, “We’ll see.” A week later the horse returned with a dozen wild horses following it. Everyone said, “What a lucky man.” And he said, “We’ll see.” The next day his son went out riding, because now they had more than one horse, but the boy fell off the horse and broke his leg. Everyone said, “Oh, poor boy,” but my friend said, “We’ll see.” The next day the army came to town taking all the young men for service, but they left his son because of his broken leg. Everyone said, “What a lucky kid,” and my friend said, “We’ll see.”

***

The thing that strikes me so much about this story is the fact that each incident was not The End for this man. He knew that other things would happen, that life would keep going on. Personally, I have a problem sometimes seeing past the moment; if something bad happens it’s the end of the world to me, if something good happens I feel like nothing bad will happen again. It’s strange. So I like this story because it reminds me that good or bad will come but life will always go on and God will always be in control.

Problem: down day

Solution: do something for someone else

Problem solved!

on edge

Sometimes I forget how tiring it can be to just live. I haven’t had more than a teeny slice of time to myself for a week(ish) and I’m already going crazy.

How is it that I know what I need to do, but I just don’t do it?

I need to go off and just spend some time alone outdoors but I just can’t seem to get to it. There’s always a group going here, or a project I need to work on, a moment with friends that I wouldn’t miss for the world… with all of that happening, where is my sanity suppose to fit in?

I love school, but I miss solitude. But I MUST take that time because my insides are like spaghetti in a pot, all entwined and threatening to boil over at any moment.

I don’t like who I’ve become lately. I’m sarcastic, kinda mean, prideful, opinionated… I want to try to be something else. I want to be firm, gentle, kind, sweet… I just don’t know anymore. Sometimes I’m just at a loss and that’s when I’m glad everything doesn’t rest on me. Thanks for being in charge God, I keep trying to handle everything but I know that it’s your job and I can’t do it no matter how hard I try. And deep down… I don’t really want to do it.

story time

There are these Freshman on my floor who are awesome. The other night I was hanging out with them and they were talking about Story Time, I asked them what that was. Apparently, these four girls bonded during orientation and they felt like they’d known each other for years but then they realized that they actually didn’t know much about each other at all. So their idea was to have a Story Time every couple of nights where they each take turns telling the story of their life to the others. I thought this was incredible. They asked me to join them and I jumped right in.

Something I love to do is find out why people do what they do and why they are who they are. That’s probably why I am a psych major. So I now have the opportunity to get to know these girls, my friends, better and to tell them the story of my life and why I am me and how God has changed me. I’m so excited. If you ever get the chance, ask people to tell you their story.

grow up

Today in class one of my wonderful professors was telling a silly story about his wife. He said that they were married when he was 19 and she was 18. He jokingly said that the first two years of marriage were great but when she turned 20 she suddenly grew an opinion. At first we all laughed because we knew he was being silly but then I thought about it a little more…
When I turned 20 I slowly began to realize and become aware of more things and I dare say that I formed many opinions that I had never had before. I am by no means a “grown up” at 20 but I like to think that I am closer than I was at 18.

Frustration with college/high school dating…

So here’s the thing; people meet… they date… they decide they want to get married… when they are freshmen in college. How dumb is that? Really. It’s not the fact that they may be immature, financially unstable or whatever that gets to me (though those factors contribute). It’s the fact that at 18, 19, even 20; you are not who you will be. You will change, morph and reemerge as someone not completely different, but significantly changed. Especially as you go through college, travel experiences and the ups and downs of meeting new people and forming attachments.
Why do people think that they, and others, will be the same forever? We all change, each day. One day you may think that eating meat is fine; the next day you may read a book that changes your life and you choose to be a vegetarian, (true story of one of my friends). Someone you knew long ago may have been a terrible person who lied to you, stabbed you in the back and then spread rumors about you; but three years later, they may have changed their ways because of this or that.

If we forget to look at people as ever changing persons then I think we’ll be left behind holding on to a lot of hurts, prejudices and assumptions.

booklist

There's a lot cooking in my brain right now but I'm still thinking on it, so instead of posting about that I decided to post the list of books I read this summer. Each one contributed a bit to my life, some more than others and I didn't enjoy them all but I am so glad that I was able to read them. The school year started again today and syllabus shock is setting in. I am realizing that I am not going to be able to read many, if any, books for fun this semester. But I am okay with that because I knew it was coming. That's why I tried to cram as many books into the summer as I could.

Tell Me, Pretty Maiden –Ryhs Bowen
My Antonia – Willa Cather
Twilight – Stephenie Meyer
In Dublin’s Fair City –Rhys Bowen
New Moon – Stephenie Meyer
Eclipse –Stephenie Meyer
Alice Adams – Boot Tarkington
Ethan Frome – Edith Wharton
Naked Once More – Elizabeth Peters
The Hound of the Baskervilles – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Utopia – Thomas More
Emma – Jane Austen
The Host – Stephenie Meyer
Savage Beauty –Nancy Milford
Persuasion – Jane Austen
Why We’re Not Emergent – Kevin DeYoung & Ted Kluck
Writing about Your Life – William Zinsser
Jane Austen – Carol Shields
The Last Lecture – Randy Pausch
Switching Time – Richard Baer

how you know

When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you.

That lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.

-Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

celebration

I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot this past week… it might surprise those of you that know I am a romantic to know that I am not one of those girls who has their entire wedding planned out and is just waiting for a name and a face to show up. Nope. My “wedding canvas” is pretty much blank except for a few basic ideas and must-haves; not wearing those prisons called “shoes” for example. I think I am just too practical to plan out my wedding, I know myself, and I change a lot. If I liked pink and green one day, the next it would be orange, red and yellow… so for now, my wedding canvas is a blank. And I like it that way.

But the wedding I have been thinking of lately is the wedding of two dear people whom I love, respect and admire. (I never say that of anyone lightly-there are actually very few people I would even say that of). They have been together for two and a half years or so and they have finally come to the point of marriage. It’s been a beautiful road, but not in the way most people think of “beautiful”. These two have given of themselves to help each other, they’ve laid aside the things they wanted the most (they were actually suppose to get married a year ago – long story there), they have heeded advice, grown more than I had ever hoped or dreamed and now because of hard work, perseverance and the true meaning of the word LOVE they are to be joined this evening; for the rest of their lives. And I can truly say that I have never been happier for anyone, ever.

I didn’t know that you could be happy like this for other people. It’s such a strange feeling. There are so many relationships I look at and can see right through because of all of the holes. But these two, they’ve taken the holes and knit them all closed with God and with the help of others. They’ve made this beautiful story that is their own, and tonight we will celebrate.

Yesterday I realized the simple truth, perhaps obvious to everyone else, that when we celebrate together we are saying “this is good”, “this is right”, “I am GLAD to be a part of this, so glad that I just want to gather together and rejoice for these two people who followed God and worked at love”. It’s such a strange custom, but one that is unique. I would say it’s uniquely human, but that would be wrong. It’s uniquely God because He is the one that invented marriage and celebration.

I hate going to weddings where everything feels wrong, this will be such an amazing chance to have it all feel right. I cannot write words to express right now how much joy I feel. It’s metaphysical.

biography addict

Geneology of a reader: I use to read strickly fiction. Then I went on a self-help kick and learned a lot about psychology. Recently I realized, I love people, I always want to hear their stories, know how they became who they are and why they do what they do... so why not read biographies? Biographies are a combination of two things I love; Books & Life. I've read three biographies in the past month and I love them.

There are so many interesting stories of REAL life out there. Lives that have been LIVED, not fabricated. I'm beginning to wonder if we even need fiction? I guess it's a personal preference sort of thing. If you told me last year that I would eventually read biographies for fun I would have said, "yeah right", but here I am.

alive... but a little sickly

Tonight we were in a grocery store and I was coming down an isle and saw my mom drop a tub of butter. Her arms were full of other things but she still leaned down to retrieve the butter. Before she could get far in her attempts the young man in line behind her quickly stooped down, grabbed the butter and handed it to her. I was quite struck by this little act of kindness and courtesy… I believe it use to be called chivalry if a man did something for a lady. This little scene will probably be burned in my mind for a long while… He didn't know my mom, he wasn't trying to impress anyone, he was just being a gentleman. I was pretty impressed.

People say chivalry is dead (mostly the feminists -- who ironically where the ones that put it to death…) but I disagree! Chivalry is NOT dead, it is merely sick. And I think it’s up to us girls that still want it around to nurse it back to health. The healing balm, (or one of them?) is to start expecting more from guys! They are not mindless, knuckle dragging video-game addicts… but they will be if that’s how you treat them. Everyone wants standards to live up to but if there are no standards then where can guys really be men? *Am reminded of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge*

No matter how many of chivalry’s graves walk by you when you’re struggling to open a door or to carry a load somewhere, chivalry is not dead. I saw proof tonight.

vietnam

In one of the books I am reading I came across this poem, written by a Vietnamese soldier named Duong Tuong who visited the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C. He wrote it and left it there at the wall. It is beautiful and inspirational about love for one's enemies.

At The Vietnam Wall

because i never knew you

nor did you me

i come

.

because you left behind mother,

father an betrothed

and i wife and children

i come

.

because love is stronger than enmity

and can bridge oceans

i come

.

because you never return

and i do

i come